Cristiano Ronaldo, the Manchester United whinger whose sexuality has often been the subject of much discussion, has said he is not looking forward to this afternoon's match at Fulham, and to the threat of a bit of cottaging.
The Craven Cottage crowd will doubtless get right behind their team, as they always do, but with United having beaten Roy Hodgson's men 4-0 in the Cup only last month, the Reds will be favourites to claim all three points, and retain their lead at the top of the Premier League table.
Ronaldo though, may have other things on his mind at the home of the Cottaging Industry - gentlemen!
It was at Craven Cottage last season that the Portugueezer was approached by two Fulham fans, and asked to sign their 'autograph books'. On taking the pen from one of them, however, the other fan took out his penis and held it for Ronaldo to sign along its length. Temporarily unsure of what to do, Ronaldo signed the cock, and fled to the relative safety of the United dressing room, where he reported the incident to United boss Sir Alex Ferguson.
This morning, United club assistant Terry Phallus said:
"We'll look after Cristiano - if there's any 'autograph signing' to be done at the Cottage today, I'll deal with it."