Vanessa Hudgens: A Beauty's Shocker.
Vanessa Hudgens, 20, hates filming sex scenes on camera. Why? Because she claims it makes her feel "gross". "I know I shocked everyone with my naughty nude photos but this is something totally different. You feel absolutely gross because it IS g...
Read full storyInternational sport floored by cricketer Kevin Pietersen
At a training match in Leicestershire today, South African cricketer Kevin Pietersen floored international selection rules, and they were sent to the pavilion, out for a duck. 'The rills had become infit for even vegue siliction of internitional t...
Read full storyGiant octopus hampers French Airbus salvage sub
Mid-Atlantic Ridge - (Tentacles Mess): A freakishly massive octopus has been spotted menacing the Brazilian Navy submarine sent to reconnoitre with wreckage of missing French Airbus 320. At one stage the huge beast attempted mounting the Tupi-clas...
Read full storyNorth Korea Sell Osama Nuke!
Reports claim that North Korea has sold Osama Bin Laden a nuclear bomb. It has not been released about the amount that it was sold for, but estimates average at around $307 million US dollars. There have been great stresses on the N.Korean Governm...
Read full storyThe Only True British Act On BGT - Prince Philip
BUCKINGHAM PALACE, London - HRH Prince Philip has rendered his opinion on the talent show, Britain's Got Talent, and he thinks it blows. Speaking for the first time to the media regarding BGT, Prince Philip says he is shocked at the attention a s...
Read full storyGareth Barry To Earn £80,000-A-Week
There was extreme anger tonight in a West Midlands living room, when it was discovered, by listening to my radio, that the England midfielder, Gareth Barry, who has left Aston Villa for Manchester City, will be earning around £80,000-a-week at Eastla...
Read full storyObama wants Lulu as next World Bank leader
WASHINGTON, DC - There was some cause for concern today amongst world bankers, or at least world bankers that were still employed, as Barack Obama reportedly tapped Lulu, Scottish born singer-songwriter, actress, model and television personality, to...
Read full storyGordon Brown will join Britains Got Talent street dance group 'Diversity' and fight the BNP
Gordon Brown the puppet Prime Minister of Britain, last night checked into the 'Priory' Hospital for loony celebrities- in an adjoining room to Susan Boyle before he embarked on a week long training session with street dance 'effnik' group 'Diversit...
Read full story"Big Papi" Missing
Boston, Massachussetts: Boston Red Sox slugger David "Big Papi" Ortiz was declared missing yesterday at exactly 3:15 P.M. He was last seen after the Red Sox postponed game versus the Oakland Athletics in Boston. Local police think he was captu...
Read full story"Bikini Girl" Asks Adam Lambert To Marry Her
HOLLYWOOD - Katrina Darrell, aka "Bikini Girl" has admitted that yes, she has in fact asked American Idol winner, ah make that runnerup, Adam Lambert, to marry her. Kit Kat as her grandmother calls her said that she was sitting at a Chick Fil-A in...
Read full storySusan Boyle Embarks On 'Nuthouse Tour'
It's been announced that Susan Boyle, the Scottish singing sensation who finished second in last weekend's Britain's Got Talent show, will next week embark upon her first nationwide tour - of Britain's mental institutions. Boyle, 48, was the runne...
Read full storyObama is stuffed right up his black Opel Butt and left with an obese GM!
Failing to jump on board the lost Air France flight headlines Jaggedone's CIA (cockroach infiltration army) has decided to report on another lost cause, giant panda, GM! Yesterday "The Black Messiah" and his disciples launched the saviour package...
Read full storyEsther's Teeth - Shock refusal to stand
The faded television personality Esther Rantzen has unexpectedly withdrawn from her (doomed) quest to become an M.P. following a shock refusal from her teeth to be party to this charade. Calling a shock news conference to deliver the shock news her...
Read full storyPattinson, Stewart And Stunt Doubles Having Fun
It's always fun to get your own back after being hunted all the time by the paparazzi and Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are driving the reporters nuts. Furthermore, several other stars are keeping an eye on the situation to see what they can d...
Read full storyKerry Katona to replace Susan Boyle in Britains Got Talent Tour!
Former Atomic Kitten songster Kerry Katona,12, will be replacing Susan Boyle on the forth-coming 'Britain's Got Talent Tour'. Simon Cowell Prime Minister of Britain who was at Downing Street this morning shouting at Gordon Brown in a disapproving...
Read full storyKim Jong-il's Son To Be Next Leader Of North Korea
Kim Jong-il's third son, Kim Jong Yung-un is to become North Korea's next leader. Born in the early 1980's, Yung-un was not thought to fit the mold of the average communist dictator slash tyrant. "Actually if you think of it in American terms, ou...
Read full storyOxfordshire PCT's morality 'has been found'
Oxfordshire PCT announced today that the organisation has found its morals that it had lost some time ago. The lost morals were said to have been kept on a Pound Stretcher USB stick which was lost when left in the back of a black cab some years back.
Read full storyPremier League team signs Susan Boyle
English football side, Aston Villa, have signed Scottish "magpie" Susan Boyle to a three year contract. It appears that after finishing second on the Britain's Got Talent TV programme, Boyle has been left out in the cold, with no commercial entic...
Read full storyGreedy politicians to fight for their jobs in 'MP's got talent'
As you probably will have heard, there has been much hoo-ha to do with MP's expenditure in Britain. Members of parliament have been spending money on such things as second homes, electric gates and dog food (It was bought from Sainsbury's if that is...
Read full storyAshley Cole Injured
Ashley Cole has been badly injured in a brutal attack.The footballer was running with the ball in a match against Chelsea and Newcastle.When suddenly out of nowhere,Newcastle manager,Alan Shearer ran out onto the field and attacked him.Shearer was ai...
Read full storyMan Swallowed by Whale Calls Wife
A fisherman and his crew set sail from the coast of Gibralter in the early evening on the 1st June 2009. Heading off for a night time fishing expedition, spirits were high as The Rock dissapeared into the mist behind them. Suddenly, without warning there was a loud bang followed by a deep scraping sound. 'We've run aground' the captians shouted. The crew, mainly comprising of tourists,...
Read full storyBirth of Two-headed Lamb Sparks Revival in Kansas
WICHITA, KS - Last week, a very average sheep known only as D1001457 gave birth to a healthy but very slow, very clumsy two-headed lamb. Perhaps this extremely rare occurrence should be expected to come as a surprise, but not as much of one as the...
Read full storyOxfordshire PCT 'bring in chimps'
It was confirmed today that Oxfordshire PCT has contracted in help from four male and three female chimps from London Zoo. The seven new unorthodox employees are believed to be taking on senior executive positions after Oxfordshire PCT health officia...
Read full storyRussel Grant and Nancy Reagan almost started WWIII
After admitting that she still sees her dead husband before going to sleep, ex-first lady, Nancy Reagan, admitted that many of her husband's decisions were astrology based. "He wouldn't go the john without first checking the alignment of the plan...
Read full storyJacqui Smith Sacked For Being A Blob Of Lard
Sensational news just emerging from Downing Street, is that Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, has been given the boot by Prime Minister Gordon Brown after a series of incidents that have left the nation feeling she is nothing more than a big, fat, ugly,...
Read full storyGazza Weds Girl
After just 3 weeks of dating, Paul Gascoigne and his glamour model girlfriend have married in a private ceremony. The wedding took place in a low key ceremony on a beach in South Shields, the town where his bride comes from. The wedding was overse...
Read full storyJacqui Smith in the new expenses revelation
The soon former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith apologised for claiming £1 entry fee in expenses on her first home. She confirmed that it was claimed by mistake by her secretary (which is also her husband). Apparently he was too distracted by his parliam...
Read full storyHas Britain really Got Talent?
So - the "Boyle Train " has been derailed - the wheels have fallen off, and with a last puff of screeching brakes the buffers loomed up out of the mist of missed opportunity. The "little village in Scotland" has taken down the bunting - tea shop owners have cancelled the extra tables & chairs and the blue "Susan Boyle lived here" plaque lies unfinished in some council filing cabinet. So...
Read full storyTop Doctors Called to Westminster
A team of medical experts are being rushed to London to deal with an 'unprecedented crisis' at Westminster. The team, from the Spinal Injuries Unit of Stoke Mandeville Hospital in Buckinghamshire, were called in by Prime Mincer Gollum Brown after...
Read full storyGoogle Blamed for Crop Circles Stunt
Following a recent spate of crop circles in Wiltshire, it has all turned out to be one massive hoax! It has long been thought that it is the work of extra terrestrials, but the real culprits have now been identified. The circles have become more e...
Read full storyMurray: Nadal Exit My Best Chance Yet
Andy Murray has welcomed Rafael Nadal's shock exit from the French Open, saying that it represents 'a massive opportunity'. Nadal, the World #1 and winner of four consecutive titles at Roland Garros, was beaten by Sweden's Robin Soderling yesterda...
Read full storyBurnley win last 2010 premier league relegation spot
Wade Elliott's sensational strike ended Burnley's 33-year wait for another relegation from the top flight as they defeated Sheffield United in the Championship play-off final. Elliott scored with a curling 13th-minute strike into the top corner fo...
Read full storyPyongyang bomb gang behind French Airbus disappearance?
Paris - (Merde Alors! Mess): A North Korean hit squad is suspected of blowing up a French plane that went missing over the Bermuda Triangle yesterday. Worried CIA sources commented that a series of recent high profile dodgy 'suicides' in Paris had...
Read full storyAir France Jet May Have Been Abducted By Aliens
The Air France flight that disappeared over the Atlantic Ocean after it flew out of Rio de Janeiro on Sunday, may have been abducted by aliens, it has been reported. After leaving Rio, flight AF447 vanished into thin air "somewhere over the sea be...
Read full storyBallack to hurl abuse at refs for another year
Chelsea forward Michael Ballack has signed a one-year extension to his abuse-hurling contract, the club has confirmed. Incoming coach Brian Ancelotti said he was delighted, insisting that with Ballack, John Terry and Didier Drogba, Chelsea would c...
Read full storyCold Turkey-R-Us clinic says Boyle has a hangover
London - (Britain's Git Talent Mess): Shrinks at a rehab clinic where Susan Boyle is detoxing from months of celebrity hype said today she had suffered a panic attack after mislaying the remains of her cocaine stash after the show's grand finale.
Read full storyPalace expenses shocker
London - (What A Scandal Mess): The Queen used taxpayers' money to 'clean her moat' and 'subdue dry rot' a House of Commons Public Accounts Committee heard today. "That's just so setting a bad example to snout-on-the-trough MPs like Douglas Hogg!"...
Read full storyScrew the D-Day Landings Ceremony, One is Orf to the Derby!
London - (Epsom Salts Mess): The real reason why the Queen is not joining publicity-ravenous desperados like Gorgon Brown and Bollox O'Bummer at the 65th Anniversary of the D-Day Landings Ceremony was revealed today. The event coincides with the E...
Read full storyThe Only Honest Graduation Speech This Season in Six Hundred and Seventy Fun Words that Shouldn't Take More than a Few Minutes
Good Morning, Graduates and the many friends, relatives and paid participants who would much rather be somewhere else. Hic! Excuse my Latin.Let's speak some truth as Cicero said to Cataline... I'm not the only hung over mofo in the stadium today so let's have a rousing round of applause for every dehydrated aching big head out there! Graduation... it is no accident that it sounds like somethi...
Read full story"NYC Projecks Spawn Mo' Den Celebrities"
With the nomination of Judge Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court, reporters are collecting the dozens of NYC public housing project former residents whom have made it big. Comedians like Dyno-Mite Jimmie Walker who once mugged this writer on the tra...
Read full storyUS Supreme Court's Five Catholics Make the Vatican the Fifty-First State
American Protestants worried that a Roman Catholic president, John Fitzgerald Kennedy would have a greater allegiance to the Pope than to the US Presidency. Once they learned that the whorin bastard was alot like them they relaxed at least until the...
Read full storyNYC Sends Its Scum to The Great State of Texas
Some say nature abhors a vacuum. Others believe that opposites attract. Still some say that likes gravitate toward likes. And so the third theory seems to prevail as NYC after dredging the toxic mud in the bottom of the Hudson River has found a depos...
Read full storyFiat makes an offer Chrysler can't refuse
Now that the Italian car company will be taking over Chrysler, what will it all mean? Here are some possibilities: 1) The stickshift will be in the shape of a cannoli. 2) Instead of "Honk," the horn will go "Bada-a-bing." 3) Fuel will now be 80% gasoline and 20% Chianti. 4) The hood ornament will be a Sophia Loren profile. 5) The transmission will be lubricated with extra v...
Read full storyConversion of a Liberal Tops Box Office Records
Hollywood CA: Universal Studios grossed $150 million over the weekend with its new smash hit motion picture "Conversion of a Liberal." The movie is based upon the fictional novel by Ronald Wilson Goldwater that claims to be an unauthorized biograp...
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