Birth of Two-headed Lamb Sparks Revival in Kansas

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Tuesday, 2 June 2009


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The sheep watched helplessly as one of their own was slain, victim of a primitive religious ritual.

WICHITA, KS - Last week, a very average sheep known only as D1001457 gave birth to a healthy but very slow, very clumsy two-headed lamb. Perhaps this extremely rare occurrence should be expected to come as a surprise, but not as much of one as the incredible religious revival it has sparked across the Sunflower State.

In a large field near South Wichita today, a fervent crowd of thousands gathered to hear Reverend Flatearth. They shouted Amen's in unison as he preached, almost chanting, hanging on his every word.

"The end of days is nearing," announced the Reverend to the ever-growing crowd. Gesturing toward the bleating animal, he said, "The devil is testing you at every turn, and this lamb you see before you symbolizes that very test."

It's true, he explained, that same-sex couples, would obviously never have any need for abortions. One might assume, therefore, that abortion rates among married couples in general could statistically decline if same-sex unions were to be included in the average. But, he says, allowing same-sex marriage is "clearly a bad choice," and that is the right head of the lamb.

On the other hand, he admitted, it would seem anti-abortion activists have a tendency to drive up violent crime statistics, blowing up abortion clinics and killing doctors. But allowing those doctors to continue performing abortions is "also clearly a bad choice." That's the left head of the lamb.

"It's a trap, you see," explained Reverend Flatearth. "Satan wants you to agonize about this apparent dilemma, then grudgingly choose between the two, picking the lesser of two evils. But you don't have to choose either one! We must be equally intolerant of all those not following the path of righteousness, the one true way to salvation."

A few non-believers could be heard during the sermon, saying things like, "But, didn't God give everybody free will, and tell us not to judge other people because that was going to be His job at the end of time?" and, "Couldn't the lamb just be exhibiting this particular phenotype because some of its nucleotides are out of sequence due to a transcription error, or something?" Another had the utter gall to suggest that a person actually has no rights as an individual until his umbilical cord is severed upon exiting the womb after a pregnancy has naturally run its full course. All three were quickly silenced, strung up in a nearby tree by zealous believers. Fortunately, most attendants were not so brazen.

"This, this... horrendous aberration, is obviously a sign of the devil's work," said Rob Dole, who traveled all the way from Goodland, KS, to see the curious two-headed lamb. One of its heads could be seen bobbing lazily, its eyes barely open, while the other head bleated loudly, non-stop, its eyes staring crazily like Sammy Davis Jr's, one of its ears twice as large as the other. Dole's face wrinkled with hatred as he spat at the helpless creature(s). "Only the devil could make something like that," he hissed. "This is what we get for letting the schools teach our children about evolution."

Jessica Sampson of Manhattan, KS, most of whose books had been burned over the years, said she too is concerned. "The Lamb of God has one head," she observed, scratching hers as she cocked it to the side, "so... two heads must be a bad thing, right?"

At the end of services, the lamb was sacrificed and burned, offered up to the vengeful crowd's God. Then they dispersed, many capitalizing on the opportunity to head South to Oklahoma for some cockfight action before returning home.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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