Ballack to hurl abuse at refs for another year

Funny story written by Alex Hill

Tuesday, 2 June 2009

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"Chelsea are the most reviled bunch of overpaid, whining bitches in the Premier League" - Ancelotti

Chelsea forward Michael Ballack has signed a one-year extension to his abuse-hurling contract, the club has confirmed.

Incoming coach Brian Ancelotti said he was delighted, insisting that with Ballack, John Terry and Didier Drogba, Chelsea would continue to field the most reviled bunch of overpaid, whining bitches in the Premier League.

He added: "Michael has all the experience of berating poorly-paid officials that I could hope for.

"And despite his age he can still track a referee for 60 yards up the pitch to spit phlegm-sodden obscenities right in his eyes."

Ancelotti said he hoped to bring a fresh approach to ref-baiting at Stamford Bridge adding: "In England, coaches still obsess about foul-language work rates, while on the continent the focus has been on developing a more inventive form of sewer-mouthed intimidation."

Ballack, who has worked under five managers at Chelsea said he was looking forward to a period of stability, adding: "Over the last 18 months I have not known whether I'm supposed to call the referee a tit, a ballbag or a monkey-brained cocksucker."

Premier League agent Bill McKay said: "The battle to secure the services of the most abusive pricks in football just seems to start earlier every year, doesn't it?"

Following their FA Cup victory, the Chelsea squad will take a three week break before pre-season abuse training in Spain, where they will spend four hours a day screaming sexually explicit death threats at large, black cones.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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