The Only Honest Graduation Speech This Season in Six Hundred and Seventy Fun Words that Shouldn't Take More than a Few Minutes

Funny story written by Pointer

Tuesday, 2 June 2009

Good Morning, Graduates and the many friends, relatives and paid participants who would much rather be somewhere else. Hic! Excuse my Latin.Let's speak some truth as Cicero said to Cataline... I'm not the only hung over mofo in the stadium today so let's have a rousing round of applause for every dehydrated aching big head out there!

Graduation... it is no accident that it sounds like something a mechanic does to a transmission that eventually will fail but because of her( note the feminist gear shift)intervention will continue to go from first to third if roughly for a few more miles.Hoc! which reminds me that Caesar's bellicose writings were once the steady diet of 10th graders for generations, perhaps in order to supply corpses, I mean, bodies for the inevitable war effort of the capitalist struggle against competition.

But you my blessed graduating souls,the phrase seems to recall the reincarnation bullshit your yoga teacher no doubt taught while he( note the manly back rub)placed you in an hypnotic trance that prevented you from realizing... the truth Cicero brought me here to speak... But you my graduating spirits had no draft from which to fear or flee to Canada( except for health insurance) or shove quarters up your ass in order to bribe the Whitehall doc to discharge you because there were more where that came from if he got your drift...

Haec... And so the truth, dear strangers, is that I grew up in a very different world than you have and I managed to graduate not because my parents invaded the university on a regular basis in a heliocopter but because the last thing in the world I wanted was to have my dead body, O hear me corpses!, (was how Cicero and Caesar and Virgil might have put it in the hortatory subjunctive), lifted out of some Southeast Asian rice paddy by a Raytheon engineered heliocopter that had not been designed, let's just say, for parenting.

And so excuse my small "t" truth but a recession has precious little to do with a death motivated education and if you learned anything at all you will not repeat the greedy grasping catastrophe of an economy that has been foisted upon us all with our near unanimous approval.

My dear not yet corpses, please refuse to go to war, share the little you have and keep your possessions small, so you have little to worry about losing. Hold on tight to the ones you love but not so tight that they need to get away from you in order to breathe, And yes, avoid having a big head both for the effect it has on your well being and the trouble it causes those big heads around you.

Keep your transmission in a well lubricated and efficiently working order...changing gears will prove to be essential throughout the life of your life engine which will require feminine and masculine and very many more types of adaptations. Don't read Caesar's Gallic Wars unless you want to increase your ability to do etymology which in that case let me prescribe Ovid who is just as eloquent and there's a lot more fucking...

Certainly do yoga especially if it involves backrubs and even if you have to go to Canada( Please, Obama, no) be sure to have health insurance. I will leave it up to your good judgment as to what you do or do not shove up your ass, just reminding you that the US quarter can feel larger than it looks.And while on the subject of parenting, just remember how it felt to have that ghetto bird constantly shining its spot on your business while you sought natural liberty in some upperclass suburb. Cut those possibly yet unborn kids some slack.

Keep your truths with a small "t". Make love not war. Trust your god if it's not money or any value that is inferior to your everlasting soul and for that god's sake do not take advice from some total stranger!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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