At a training match in Leicestershire today, South African cricketer Kevin Pietersen floored international selection rules, and they were sent to the pavilion, out for a duck.
'The rills had become infit for even vegue siliction of internitional teams', the 7'7'' player said, 'so I simply bowled a feeble daisy-cutter, ind it was adios inny point in Test Matches inny more, auf wiedersehn to only playing for your own cinntry, and bonjour to innybody playing for inny nation they choose to. Which kind of ruins the paint, er, iv hivving internitional teams.'
Kevin Pietersen is not only 0% Englsh and 100% South African, he has openly said so, claiming he only chose to play for the Anglo-Saxons 'because the kaffirs bick home didn't like my dodgy, Afrikaaner iccent, or may collection of Idolf Hitler mimorabilia. Dimn' wigs!', and as many English cricketers defied an international ban to play white South Africa itself, he probably fits into the English team very easily.
'If 'e says he's English, e's English', cricketing legend Geoffrey Borecott said, 'I mean if it weren't for foreigners, 'ow could we win at any sport, not just cricket? The English football league is now foreign-owned, with foreign players and managers, and the bloody cricket team were always filled with Welsh, South African, Australian, even Scottish players. 'Owzat - black puddin' coming along, Kevin?'
'I'll hiv a wait pidding instidd, think you.' 'Speak English, like ah does, tha knaws! Thee and thine will never play for Yorkshire Cricket Cloob though, lad, or 'ell will freeze ower. I'd prefer a Lancky at crease than an overgrown Nazi with a queer accent, and about as much to do with English cricket as Walter Smith.'
That Rangers manager was in the nets today, practicing his reverse sweep-sectarianism-bigotry-under-the-carpet-to-keep-UEFA-quiet-for-a-week stroke.