A team of medical experts are being rushed to London to deal with an 'unprecedented crisis' at Westminster.
The team, from the Spinal Injuries Unit of Stoke Mandeville Hospital in Buckinghamshire, were called in by Prime Mincer Gollum Brown after recent trauma in the opinion polls. The injuries the Government sustained were exacerbated by the announcement today that three more Labour MPs, David Chaytor, Patricia Hewitt and Beverley Hughes will all stand down at the next Election - Hewitt and Hughes to spend more time with their families, and Chaytor to spend more time being raped in the showers in Parkhurst.
Spinal expert Professor Stiffen Backbone, leading the team, said, "it's quite clearly an emergency, and the Goonvernment have done absolutely the right thing by calling in the experts at Stoke Mandeville. What we are seeing is unprecedented - the Government appears to be paralysed from the neck down, and we are also seeing evidence of neurological damage as well".
Professor Backbone pointed to the Government's lack of mobility, sensitivity and activity as proof of severe paralysis, adding, "it's a very serious case. The Government is in a critical condition and, in all honesty, we cannot say as yet whether it can survive.
The Stoke Mandeville team include a specialist psychiatric team equipped with Nokia-resistant body armour, and a consultant Proctologist, who will be trying to discover where the PM's next reshuffle is going to come from.