Obama orders White House painted black
I was having a pint with my mate Bob, when he showed me a contract, signed by Mrs Obama and Bob White Painters Inc to paint the White House black. He said Mrs Obama had thought it only fair, as the last bloke who painted it was called Fred Black. She explained that it was necessary to paint the house because she had been scrubbing for thee days but had been unable to get rid of all the excremen...
Read full storyCatholic Church In Holocaust Schism
The Catholic Church has become embroiled in controversy surrounding the claims by renegade Bishop John Tyndall that the holocaust was a lie. "Six million Jews did not die in gas chambers" he claimed "they just emigrated." It is not the first time...
Read full storyPlatini Plan To Deal With "Unfair Competiveness" Of English Clubs In The Champions League.
Liverpool, Chelsea, Arsenal and Manchester United may have got roughly the results they were looking for tonight but they haven't managed to do without receiving the wrath of football's most well dressed and incompetent man since Sepp Blatter. Mic...
Read full storyTop 15 Things Most People Didn't Know Were In New Trillion Dollar Bailout Plan
$100 for Snuggie for Senator Byrd. $2,000 for four cases of Beano for Senator McCain if he'll stop saying, "I just blew you a kiss." $200,000 to keep Cindy Sheehan camped outside Bush ranch. $1,000,000 for Jeremiah Wright to shut his yap about America's chickens coming to roost. $150 for new basketball goal set up in White House basement. $20,000 to provide Senator Craig his own pri...
Read full storyOz and James Visit Russia
Oz Clarke and James May have unveiled plans for their new series. So far the pair have got pissed at the license payers expense in France, the USA and Britain. Now they are on their way to Russia. In 'Oz and James Drink Toilet Cleaner And Die In A...
Read full story"U2 are very rich" claims an Irishman
Today an Irishman has claimed that U2 are very rich, avoid paying taxes, and behave like superstars. It is believed that this is the same Irishman who previously claimed that the Pope was catholic, 2+2=4, and that bears really do prefer the woods.
Read full storyLead Singer Of Barenaked Ladies Leaves Band
The lead singer of popular Canadian band the Barenaked Ladies, who was charged with drug offenses in the United States last year, is leaving to pursue a new career as lead singer of the "Totalfrontal Nudity", a spokesman for the new group said on Wed...
Read full story"Bonking Boycs Lasted 5 Days!"
Geoff Boycot was a "red hot lover" who remained "at the crease' and had "excellent technique" according to Ms Julie Creosote, a self-confessed cricket groupie. She first met Boycott at Headingley during a break for bad light. But, says Ms Creosote...
Read full storySpooks' leak says Thatcher and gangster Ronnie Kray spawned Prime Monster Gorgon Brown
London - (Fetid Ass Mess): The formal unveiling ceremony of Margaret Thatcher's official Downing Street portrait was hastily cancelled today following a security leak naming her and notorious UK gangster Ronnie Kray as Gorgon Brown's birth parents.
Read full storyMardi Gras Going BRAINS! Great This Year
New Orleans celebrated its biggest Mardi Gras since Hurricane Katrina's devastation in 2005 as Fat Tuesday's revelry only led to 27 shootings, plus two others found floating in the canal with their brains missing. Police said seventeen other bysta...
Read full storyMan Living In Cave Faces Foreclosure
You've heard plenty of stories about foreclosures, but the latest victims of this brutal recession are about to lose their cave they bought on eBay. That's right. For nearly five years, Charles Finny and his family have lived in a cave. His mor...
Read full storyWhat's the point of Rex Tillerson?
Irving, Texas - (Crude Ass Mess): "Frankly, none!" That's the considered view of BigOilShagger! magazine's March exclusive. It reckons a Rockefeller family feud with the ExxonMobil Chairman/CEO will see him booted out of orifice before the April 2...
Read full storyObama: We Will Recover
In a speech to constituents in Detroit today, President Obama reiterated that the U.S. economy would recover. Perpetuating comparisons to the Great Depression, Obama said,"Make no mistake, it won't be easy; unemployment will continue to rise, hom...
Read full storyBrenda Song & Rob Pattinson vow to stay virgins till marriage!
Teen queen, Brenda Song and Twilight hottie Rob Pattinson have vowed to stay virgins till marriage. The teen sensations wear purity rings, Brenda and Rob, both 19, reportedly wear metal bands on their fingers to symbolize. Rob thinks of it as, "a pro...
Read full storyHit Series 'Heroes' faces Credit Crunch Woes
The Worldwide hit television show Heroes has run into financial difficulties during filming of the fifth series. Previous series have cost nearly a million dollars an episode, but with the worldwide financial crisis deepening, bosses on the show a...
Read full storyBoche Bash Bish
The German government has today hit out at Holocaust-denying Bishop Richard Williamson after his forced departure from Argentina raised headlines around the world. They are demanding that he is extradited to Germany where holocaust denial is a crimi...
Read full storyMiddlesbrough Fans Told to "Shut Up"
Fans at Middlesbrough have been told to shut up. Middlesbrough currently sit two points from safety second from bottom in the Premiership, and wear red. Director of Communications, Millie O'Naire was asked by local residents and the multiplex cin...
Read full storyRoger Clemens To Star In "Oops - The Mark McGuire Story"
HOLLYWOOD - Warner Brothers Pictures has just announced that they have signed Roger Clemens to star as the lead in "Oops - The Mark McGuire Story." The unemployed baseball pitcher says that he is thrilled to be allowed to show yet another side (hi...
Read full storyMoney Saving Tips from TheSpoof.com
We're all watching our spending lately, so here's some tips on saving cash from The Spoof's money expert. 1. Save on your water bill by not flushing your toilet after every time you use it. Also, don't use it. 2. You can also save water by taking baths instead of showers. Then, when your skin gets all wrinkly, cash in on those "senior discounts." 3. Find out which bars have free food duri...
Read full storyObama inspires USA to beat recession
President of the USA, Barack Obama, has delivered a speech to a joint sitting of the American Congress in a brave attempt to lift flagging spirits battered by recession led forces. Dressed in a black tracky top with a hood over his bonce together...
Read full storyArsenal Pair William Gallas And Kolo Toure Romantically Linked
More trouble in the Arsenal dressing room last night, when the Gunners pair of William Gallas and Kolo Toure were being romantically linked after an incident at halftime which left manager Arsene Wenger 'gobsmacked'. Arsenal started the second hal...
Read full storyThe George W. Bush Presidential Library
Dear Fellow Constituent: The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages and accepting donations. The Library will include: 1. The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction. 2. The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything. 3. The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up. 4. The Walter Reed...
Read full storySleeved Blanket Causing Nationwide Family Furore
A snuggle blanket, which has built in sleeves to allow day-to-day tasks to be performed from under the covers, has been removed from the market. Consumers have raised numerous complaints about the garment, particularly women. Several consumers com...
Read full storyJapenese use Astrology to refute Climate Change
Japanese Climate Scientis, Saki Inbiba, has poured scorn on the findings of the International Panel on Climate Change that climate change is man-made, and currently in step with the most pessimistic of climate models. Inbiba, who leads the Tokyo U...
Read full storyLord Ahmed Wins Court Case
Firebrand Labour peer Lord Ahmed has won his court case for compensation, it has been revealed. Lord Ahmed was sending text messages while driving his Jaguar when he struck a stationary vehicle on the M1 on Christmas Day. The driver of the other v...
Read full storyResearch Proves Cancer Studies Cause Cancer
A study to be published in medical journal The Lanced today has warned that studies into the incidence of cancer increase the risk of cancer. The study, carried out by scientists at Oxford University, has identified that research into the causes o...
Read full storyJade Goody - An Apology
I would like to apologise to Jade goody. In the past she has been made to look a thick, useless, talentless, fat slapper with a foul mouth and racist tendencies. I now know that I was wrong. Jade is in fact Jesus, Mary, the Prophet Mohammad, Buddha, Mother Theresa and all the saints rolled into one. I was blind to her talents. But now that she is going to die we see her to be wonderful. I would...
Read full storyPresident Obama's Speech: "The U.S. Will Not Torture"
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Barack Obama delivered his first presidential speech to a packed joint session of Congress. Some of the people in the crowd included Secretary of State Hillary "The Face" Clinton, Senator John "Long Face" Kerry, Senato...
Read full storyDevils on the march Part VII
o Are they all of your age? o Of course not. Some are as old as daddy. o Well, if warlords' kids are sent to you for work, can you use them? o Warlords' kids do not come for work; they come for supervision. They sign letters. At this moment, one of the justices said: o Your honor, this kid must be a genius to successfully pass the undergraduate, graduate and post graduate programs in six year...
Read full storyJack Straw "not lost"
Sad news today. It has been confirmed that Jack Straw is safe and well. It had been thought that he had finally heeded the advice of millions and got lost. The story looks like being a hoax. It has angered civic leaders in Blackburn, Mr Straw's co...
Read full story"You're All Fat" Doctors say
Doctors have slammed the British population today for being "fat, greedy, drunk layabouts". The news shocked many and there were instances of people falling off their sofa in shock. The spread of obesity is causing concern. "I travel to work on th...
Read full storyThis Is The Age Of The Train
The government has announced that rail fares are set to come down for the first time in living memory. Lord Adonis (no, that really is his name) has told rail firms to lower their regulated fares. "We need to get people on to trains. At the momen...
Read full storyBabyFaceBook Offers a Wayback Machine to Avoid Adulthood
The newest latest social networking site offers a kind of time machine to those who would escape the responsibilities of maturity and stay peacefully stuck in the crib of childhood. BabyFaceBook allows members to remain in a world of breasts, bottles...
Read full storyRepublicants Hide under their Seats at Obama VisionQuest
After eight years of Republican and cannot do rule, the US of A finds itself with a horrific deficit and unprecedented economic crisis. Add to that two unwinnable wars, crumbling infrastructure and tens of millions without health insurance and yo...
Read full storyScientists Find Snow White's Dwarf Happy Had the Happiness Gene; So Did Dopey
Scientific researchers at the Human Genome and Mood Exploratory Expo have broken new ground in the study of human happiness. After a careful genetic splicing of pubic hair particles from the Seven Dwarfs found in the Snow White Archives, researchers...
Read full storyNancy Pelosi G-Spots at Obama Lovefest
It took eight years for the Democrats to regain their ascendancy in American politics and some couldn't blame them for the indulgent orgy they staged at the Obama speech to both houses of Congress, subtitled stick it to the loser Republicants! The...
Read full storyCatholic Calendar of Saints: February 24; Luca Beludi, Patron Saint of the gay sidekick
St Luca Beludi, patron saint of the homosexual sidekick, fell scapular over sandals in love with the handsome,charismatic and eloquent Anthony of Padua. Presciently, the patron saint of the lost and lost objects helped gay Luca Beludi find his true love. Luca followed the Billy Graham of his day over hill and over dale. The cuddlesome couple traveled as many miles as the famous American cross...
Read full storyRed Chinese To Introduce I-Pods To Lower Population
Chinese government officials have decided upon a plan to lower its population by the introduction of I-Pods, MP3 players and cell phones with text messaging with prices that the masses can afford. Reviewing American and European figures for the...
Read full storyJai Ho! "Slumdog Millionaire" kids return home to India; a heroes welcome turns...ugly
Mumbai, India - Still laughing and smiling as they were all during their whirlwind trip to Hollywood, California, walking the red carpet on the night of the Oscars, bumping elbows with international movie stars instead members of their overpopulated...
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