HOLLYWOOD - Warner Brothers Pictures has just announced that they have signed Roger Clemens to star as the lead in "Oops - The Mark McGuire Story."
The unemployed baseball pitcher says that he is thrilled to be allowed to show yet another side (his acting side) of a man that many people, including former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Roger Staubach refer to as "Roger the Dodger, Jr."
Clemens said that he is proud to be allowed to portray Mark McGuire and that he noted that there are a lot of interesting similarities between McGuire and himself.
He said that both Mark and he were baseball players. Both batted right and threw right. Both played for birds; Mark for the Cardinals of St. Louis, and he for the Blue Jays of Toronto. And both love to eat shrimp tacos.
Roger then remarked that both Mark and he have the letters G and R in their names. Both know Sammy Sosa, and both were born in America.
Clemens was asked how his wife Debra was and he replied that the Debster was great. He mentioned (again) that she had come out in the 2003 Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition wearing a skimpy bikini and looking like a million dollars.
He said that Deb is 45-years-old and that she still possesses one fantastically gorgeous-looking body. He went on and said that Debbie has a body that women half her age would love to have.
He thought about that statement for a moment and then said that he wanted to clarify that remark. He then said that he did not mean to imply or hint that his wife was in any way, shape, or form a lipstick lesbian.
He said that to the contrary, his wife was as straight as a lazer beam and that women half her age wished they had a figure like hers.
Clemens then stated that Debita does not have any cellulite, stretch marks, fat, wrinkles, spider veins, blemishes, tattoos, or piercings.
When told that Debra had admitted in a National Enquirer interview two years ago that she had a tiny tattoo of a baseball on her bikini line, Roger blushed and said that it was true, but that the tattoo has long since rubbed off.
Clemens said that the movie will focus on two aspects of McGuire's life. The first is his secret love for the opera. And the second is of course the 1998 homerun race to break New York Yankee Roger Maris' single season homerun record.
He added that Antonio Banderas will portray Sammy Sosa and Will Smith will star as Ken Griffey, Jr.
Warner Brothers had originally wanted Jack Nicholson to play Sosa and Harrison Ford to play Griffey, but a Warner Brothers vice-president of realism brought out the point that Nicholson was 71, and Ford was 66.
Clemens got a smile as big as Dallas on his face when he said that Pamela Anderson, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Winona Ryder would each be portraying themselves in the film.
The movie is loosely based on Jose Canseco's book, 216 Waxed Red Stitches on a Baseball, Two Courtesy Stitches on My Girlfriend.
In other news. As far as we know, conservative radio talk show personality Rush Limbaugh (aka "The Rushing Sewer"), who has been gaining about five pounds a week, and now tips the scales at 405, did not stick his foot in his mouth today...or at least not yet anyway!
