Premier League protects its image by changing player names
To protect its image as a perfect group delivering perfect football coverage, the top football league announced today that it will simplify all player names too difficult for the nation's broadcasters to pronounce. This development follows the se...
Read full storyFlorida's Muck Monster Turns Out To Be Just Rush Limbaugh
WEST PALM BEACH, Florida - Local residents, tourists, and a few illegal aliens had the daylights scared out of them as they encountered a big, fat, strange-looking colossal creature in the Lake Worth Lagoon. Dozens of individuals captured the wate...
Read full storyMan with World's Largest Penis Banned from being Within 5 miles of Obama!
Publicist Buck W. Wheat, representing Bargis Tryhol, man with the largest penis, was shocked today to receive a Stop and Desist order from Attorney General Eric Holder prohibiting his client from being within 5 miles of any speaking engagement where...
Read full storyWoody Allen Removed From Discussion Forum
Film director, actor, writer, and comedian Woody Allen was removed from a New York City Forum for comments that he made. The group of famous people, which included former President Clinton, a Catholic Bishop, and others, was convened to answer q...
Read full storyForsyth unsuited to Strictly Come Dancing?
Bruce Forsyth may need to consider his position in the cult TV show, Strictly Come Dancing. According to one of my sources, the legend that is Mr Forsyth was told that he would have to present the show from a wheelchair. I was informed that gi...
Read full storyUsain Bolt to be gender tested
Usain Bolt is to be tested to check whether he is in fact a woman. Apparently the world record holder for both the 100m and 200m is under suspicion for behaviour that means that, although in possession of a very fine male member, he may in fact be...
Read full storyNFL's Philadephia Eagles to Change Mascot
The Philadelphia Eagles football team has used the name for over 75 years (except for a bried time during WWII when they became the Steagles). With their recent signing of Michael Vick and his court ordered requirements to promote dog health issues,...
Read full storyThe 17 Yazoo Kids of Cumberland County, Kentucky
Taylor Swift and Joe Jonas have been signed to star in the 1980 remake of Coal Miner's Daughter, the true story of Loretta Lynn. The original movie starred Sissy Spacek as Loretta and Tommy Lee Jones as her husband Doo. Loretta was born and raised in Butcher Holler, Kentucky. Taylor and Joe traveled down to Cumberland County, Kentucky which is located on the Kentucky-Tennessee border in or...
Read full storyBritish Nasty Party List: Two Charged
Two people have been charged with the little known offense of 'helping the public good' by revealing the contact details of members of the British Nasty Party. The former nazi scumbags saw the light and decided to show just how far the evil right...
Read full storyNew Homosexual Television Network to Begin Broadcasting
It has been four years since the beginning of link]the Special Interest Group wars in the cable networks. Next month, the latest population segment will join the fight with the debut of The Homosexual Television Network. HTN will launch on every...
Read full storyObama Announces Details of 'Gold for Grandmas' Program
Washington DC - On the heels of its widely successful 'Cash for Clunkers' program the Obama administration has announced a new plan to overhaul the nation's stockpile of old women. 'Gold for Grandmas' will allow family members to trade in their grand...
Read full storySan Francisco Man Plunders Adam Lambert's Hot Commodities!
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Some fans like to flick their lighters at concerts to show their appreciation, while others throw flowers and panties. Fans of America's Got Idols runner-up Adam Lambert seem predisposed to pelting him with sex toys and other nau...
Read full storyMandelson Fine After Op
London (Private ward, comfy bed, wide screen tv) Lord Mandelson, supreme ruler of the UK was recovering from surgery tonight after a 'large gland' was removed from his body. It is still a mystery how the foreign body came to be deep inside the nation...
Read full storyOpportunist a danger to an intelligent society
Bargain hunting is the most fervent of pastimes in the United States, a country built on liberty, equality and the right to shop. But it is one that may no longer appeal to Patricia VanLester, who was knocked unconscious in an opportunist stampede fo...
Read full storyHomeopathy Totally Shown To Work
A top scientist at a real university has done some really clever research, with numbers and everything, that totally proves homeopathy works and is not in fact a made up load of pseudo-scientific mumbo-jumbo. A spokesman from the Society of Homeop...
Read full storyWomen's (?) 800 metre champion being hunted by razor manufacturer for new, erotic, advertising campaign
New 800 metre womens (?) champion is being hunted by a razor company to head a brand new advertising campaign alongside Federer, Tiger Woods and Thierry Henry for their new product called "Cross Gender Razors for Everybody"! After her (or his!) an...
Read full storyDubai Tourist Minister: We Bought Jocko's Bod! Museum and Road Tour to Follow!
The Dubai Minister of Tourism confirmed today what had only been hinted at in an earlier report, that Executors of the Michael Jackson estate had chosen to maximize their investment by selling rather than burying their brethren, classified by accou...
Read full storyMaking love to a beautiful woman is like...
SENDING EMAIL: Sending email is like making love to a beautiful woman, you have to give the right messages and press the right buttons. Then hey presto, it's arrived in her box! MAKING COFFEE: Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squ...
Read full storyRochdale Declares Christmas Has Come Early
The town of Rochdale, in Lancashire, England, has declared that Christmas is to to be celebrated on the 22nd of August this year. Local mayor, Stan Halfwit, said "This will make a substantial saving for the people of Rochdale. We are all as tight as...
Read full storyBritney Spears Naked At The Circus
LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears is getting ready to kick off her big concert tour which is being hailed as The Britney Spears Naked At The Circus Tour also known as The No Clothes Tour. Spears will perform in 49 cities starting off in Hamilton, Ontar...
Read full storyMan Calls Mum, But She Doesn't Answer
A British man living in the Thai eastern seaboard resort of Pattaya was inconsolable yesterday after a lunchtime telephone call home to his mother in the UK went tragically wrong when the doddery old lady didn't answer the phone. Moys Kenwood, a p...
Read full storyPope Benedict Moves To Make "Saint" Bill Clinton.
(Washington-DC) It's difficult to say who was more surprised when the Vatican announced that it would begin the process of sainthood for William Jefferson Clinton, forty-second President of the United States: Bill Clinton, Secretary of State Hillary...
Read full storyNaked Zaprudder footage of Jackie Kennedy found at Warhole archive
New York - (Starkers Ass Mess): A five minute clip of a naked former First Lady Jackie Kennedy cavorting in the tidal spume at Montauk, Long Island, has been found by researchers at the Andy Warhole Institute. The footage was previously thought to...
Read full storyClinton 'Socks' Mogg is third Mayfair gems heist suspect
London - (Pink Panther Mess): A Bournemouth cat-burglar and close associate of Clinton-era First Feline Socks has been arrested and charged in the £40 million Mayfair gems heist. Clinton Mogg, (no kidding!) 42, is in the dock along with Craig Cald...
Read full storyBritney's "Circus" Interrupted By Dwarf's Death
After this past Monday, Britney Spears says she will never take her Circus act outside the US, Canada and Europe. The nation of Thailand offered Britney and her group to do a one night stand in Bangkok and offered to pay as much as three U.S. or...
Read full storyMan Buys Wrong-Flavored Crisps
A Hull man living in the Thai eastern seaboard resort of Pattaya, was so completely stressed-out by a Teaching English as a Foreign Language (TEFL) course, that he went into a supermarket and bought a packet of Nori Seaweed crisps by mistake. The...
Read full storyChina Crisis: Demand for Polyester Pant Suits for Obama Appointees Outstrips Supply
Beijing, China/ Business Wear Daily - At a town hall meeting today embattled President Barack Obama took time out from taking a beating on his health care program to point out the positive economic effects of his recent appointment of Hillary Clinton...
Read full storyMichael Vick Sees The Light
PHILADELPHIA - NFL deviant Michael Vick held a press conference this morning where he announced that he is gay. Vick stated "prison made me realize how much I love men, their smell, their lips, scruff and I am gay now, it's a great thing for me, I...
Read full storyRoy Turse Celebrates Hawaii Day Today
Occasional Spoof writer Roy Turse has announced that he is celebrating Hawaii Day today, 21st August. He says that there are no hula skirts involved, and no ham and pineapple pizza. It's just the big Five-Oh. Unlikely as it seems, Roy is fifty t...
Read full storyJacko-Terrorist!
Michael Jackson has had to put up with many allegations over the years. But now, The Daily Crap can exclusively reveal that Michael Jackson was in fact a terrorist. The shocking revelations were revealed to our news team by a member of staff worki...
Read full storyGovernment "Adopt a CCTV street camera" scheme takes off
Now that there are almost 3 CCTV cameras per head of population, the Department for Cameras, Street Bollards and Waste Bins is offering people the chance to adopt and look after their own CCTV camera. Announcing the initiave earlier today, the Sec...
Read full storyMarijuana Dispensary Busted in Los Angeles
ECHO PARK, CA - The Los Angeles Police Department raided a medical marijuana facility Thursday night at the Royal Temple of Zion in Echo Park. Authorities said the facility never applied for a permit to dispense medical marijuana, so when officer...
Read full storySpoof Editorial Board Performs First Intervention: Commit Deranged Contributor for Internet Addiction!
Fall City, Washington/ Internet Addiction News - The Spoof Editorial Board (SEB) was forced under emergency conditions today to involuntarily commit a rabid contributor to the nation's first Internet Addiction Center, not only for his own good, but f...
Read full storyEmployees Fired for Refusing to Honor Five-Finger Discount
BROOMFIELD, CO - Two employees of a Best Not to Buy store in Broomfield, Colorado, were fired because they tried to stop a shoplifter. "Booyah!!" shouted Jared Bergstreser, 20, as he tackled a man attempting to leave the store with a plasma screen...
Read full storyMarriage Plans For Rihanna and Jeremih
After the tragic break-up with Chris Brown, Rihanna looked stunning when caught with Jeremih, the singer behind the hit radio single "Birthday Sex" at a very well known Las Vegas cabaret last week. Rihanna was seen stripping, in her underwear, in...
Read full storyLockerbie bomber's bum doctor probes Mandy
London - (Reterus & Ass Mess): The proctologist who found a foreign body up the Lockerbie bomber's back passage is operating on Peter Mandelson's suspected brain tumor today. Royal Freak Hospital Prof V Smart said that a Mossad rectal implant...
Read full storySouth African Crossdresser Runs 800 Meters with Penis Tucked!
JOHANNESBURG, South Africa - South African officials have rallied behind a controversial new cross-dressing cross-trainer, who won the women's world 800 meters title shortly after he tucked his penis and genitals safely away from view. The runner...
Read full storyLockerbie Bomber In Miracle Cancer Recovery
Convicted Lockerbie bomber, terrorist Abdel Baset Ali al-Megrahi was flown home to Libya yesterday and received a hero's welcome when he touched down in the oil-rich territory. He emerged, smiling, from the aircraft and seemed visibly to become yo...
Read full storyOscars 2010 Best Actresses: Miley Cyrus, Hilary Duff, Megan Fox?
The Oscars are definetly one of the most prestigious awards in movie history. This year, we've seen some really great movies and now the buzz is rising on which ones will steal the jury's hearts. The Few York Times, in a special and exclusive report, wrote that "next year's Oscars are going to be different, not only with the newly-changed categories but also with who the winners might be, some...
Read full storySinger David Crosby Remembers(?) Woodstock
Actually, I recall very little except being there and being ...a little fuzzy. I think it was Crosby, Stills and Nash, that was us, our second performance. Of course, I'm Nash so I had to be there. Wait a minute..no, I'm Crosby. Remember all that was before I got arrested for drugs and put in prison for fleeing on my boat and Crosby loaning me all that money and ..Nash loaned me all th...
Read full storyWoman Sues Copafeel for Perfoming "Too Much Magic" on Her
A woman has sued magician Dirk Copafeel, contending he performed "too much magic" on her while she was a guest on his private island off of Somalia for more than twenty years. Copafeel's law firm Paymee & Screw, LLC deny the allegations and s...
Read full storyMajor Antonius Julius Argus Xerxes Part-14
This miserable courageous woman is acquitted of all charges; therefore, she is free to go. But the rest of you pigs must walk all the way down the same route poor Yusef took in the middle of the night with no shoes on. I chain you all together and padlock the chain, including this man. Now he, shouted at Yusef's boss, "Step forward." The man obediently stepped forward and Major handcuffed him. Th...
Read full storyMonsignor Francis Dubois, S.J. Confessionsl #01
Dear Monsignor Dubois, First, allow me to say how honored the parish was to attend your consecration as Monsignor. My wife and I have followed your career with great joy. You were the priest who did our premarital counseling, as well as peforming the actual wedding ceremony. I especially remember that you encouraged us to continually seek out new ways to keep our "physical" relationship ne...
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