Usain Bolt is to be tested to check whether he is in fact a woman.
Apparently the world record holder for both the 100m and 200m is under suspicion for behaviour that means that, although in possession of a very fine male member, he may in fact be a lady.
A spokesperson told me: "We have to be totally fair and when we have any suspicion that an athlete is not entitled to compete as a man or a woman, we have to investigate."
I asked what Bolt, perhaps one of the finest sportsmen of all time, has done to raise suspicions, my source responded:
"He was spotted talking on the phone and writing something down at the same time. We call this multi-tasking. It is well known that only women can multi-task, so we have to investigate."
The tests are to be held in secret, but we understand that Bolt was initially asked to pat his head and rub his stomach.