Fall City, Washington/ Internet Addiction News - The Spoof Editorial Board (SEB) was forced under emergency conditions today to involuntarily commit a rabid contributor to the nation's first Internet Addiction Center, not only for his own good, but for the benefit of the majority.
The reStart Addiction Recovery Program is located on a 5 acre site near Seattle and contains 6 beds for it's 45 day recovery program costing $14,500. A spokesman said the program provides therapy to combat excessive internet activity involving compulsive chatting, texting, gambling and Proselytizing.
The contributor involved, Thomas Craig, was involuntarily committed under the guidelines established within the very liberal state laws of California geared to protect individual liberties.
A panel of psychological experts, including a lawyer for the ACLU, agreed with the recommendations of the SEB and said the Patient fit all the criteria of being a danger to himself, and more importantly a serious threat to the credibility of the Democratic Party verging on a national embarrassment.
The patient is currently being held in Detox ward C as a spokesman for the institution said blood tests indicated the patient was a long time user of marijuana which apparently played a large part in his long rambling diatribes on the Spoof Forum which basically took up alot of space and did not contribute anything remotely funny, let alone productive to the generally user friendly site .
A doctor, speaking off the record, since he was not authorized to speak officially concerning paranoid schizophrenia, anti social behavior, and lack of rationality, said the program consists of several steps:
- Gradually bring the patient back to reality
- Convince the Patient that he is Not an Internet God, or The Son of God
- Relearn the art of conversation which occasionally requires listening to others
- Apply basic learned skills for a productive result in order to re enter the work place and be a positive contributor
The doctor said there is no guarantee of 100% success, " Sometimes," he said, " a patient is so far up his own ass, he can't be brought back."
The $14,500 fee is being donated from some of the $30M left over from Harvest Mouse Funds allocated by an earmark from House Speaker Nancy Pelosi since the Patient is one of her avid Constituents.
Dr. Ruth has also said she will be assisting staff to address some underlying Sexual Issues which may be contributing to the Patient's frustration.
If all else fails, a staff member said Lobotomy is still an option in California.
