Santa Claus Announces Milk and Cookies are for Pussies
Santa Claus (a.k.a. Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, and by many other names) has announced that he is sick of the traditional plates of goodies left by children the world over. In fact, Jolly Old St. Nicholas stated in a press release that "milk and...
Read full storyNational Health Service Bought By America
President Obama has triumphantly announced the purchase of the British National Health Service for immediate transfer across the pond. Advance elements of NHS shock troops will land in Chesapeake Bay next Tuesday, provided that it is not a Bank Ho...
Read full storyMyth Busted - Virginity Does Not Grow Back In 2 Weeks
The Mythbusters have excelled themselves. In a specially extended, 4-week programme, the guys were treated to 25 virgins each, at a rate of 3 per day with Saturdays off. Said a TV company boss - "I have never seen the guys so dedicated or keen. They...
Read full storyDNA Tests Prove John Edwards Not John Edwards!
In a big surprise Saturday, John Edwards, Senator from North Carolina who has taken a DNA test to see if he is the father of his mistress's 18-month-old daughter that was exposed by the National Enquirer last year, says the report shows that although...
Read full storyWoman with World's Largest Vagina Loses It Over Pizza Toppings
WERNERSVILLE, PA - Kate Gosselin told "Today" host Meredith Vieira Monday that she still loves her soon-to-be ex-husband Jon; apparently, her hatred for whole grain pizza with mushrooms, onions, and green peppers runs even deeper. Police arrived a...
Read full storyDavid Moyes sacked following 6-1 thrashing
David Moyes has been sacked by Everton following their shock 6-1 thrashing at the hands of Arsenal on the first day of the season. In fact it transpired that he was sacked at half time, when Everton were trailing 3-0. The club tried to appoint Gra...
Read full storyFacebook Shuts Down Fake Sarah Palin Page
Hollywood, California - A Los Angeles screenwriter, Roger Anderson, decided that her would impersonate Sarah Palin by illegally accessing her Facebook account, posing as her. It was all a part of a social experiment he was conducting, he claims. To...
Read full storySarah Palin Summoned By Alaskan Judge
Saturday, former state governor, Sarah Palin received a summons from a judge in Juneau for a case that has been tied up in court for nearly two years. The case involved twelve mimes Palin had placed out with Alaskan state highway workers. The mime...
Read full story'Lockerbie bomber fingers accomplice Gerry McCann' furor
HMP Greenock, Inverclyde - (Rioters): Scottish Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill is fuming after a Lockerbie Residents Association member threatened to expose Gerry McCann as the Pan Am 103 bomber's accomplice. Abdelbaset Ali al-Meghrahi 'confessed...
Read full storyPope Benedict Distances Catholic Church From Pregnant Nun Mugging
Pope Benedict XVI today declined to get involved in allegations that a pregnant Carmelite nun was robbed and sexually assaulted whilst delivering succour, salvation, and direct debit forms to lapsed catholics in Salford, Greater Manchester. Emergi...
Read full storyJoe the Plumber leads "Million Moron March"
Toledo, Ohio - An angry crowd of plumbers, gun owners, and other supporters marched through the streets of downtown Toledo, Saturday, led by anti-tax advocate, Joe the Plumber. They brandished a wide array of pipe-wrenches, plumbing snakes, as well...
Read full storyGene splicing will allow males to forego nipples in favor of larger penises
SALEMS LOT, ME - Geneticists at the University of Maine Salems Lot Campus have announced a stunning breakthrough in the field of genetic splicing, at a news conference on Saturday afternoon. "This is a wonderful feat of genetic engineering," said...
Read full storyJust Leave Me Alone - Arthur Pewty
Alleged Neasden gangster and Mr Fixit, Arthur Pewty of Neasden today appealed to massed ranks of press and paparazzi to leave him alone. Reciting an oft repeated mantra, Pewty denied any link between himself and organised crime, despite being impl...
Read full storyAmy Winehouse Holds Up Plane Traffic At JFK
Ditsy singer Amy Winehouse caused a huge delay at New York's Kennedy Airport this morning as she got on a plane, must have dozed before takeoff and got up and left her seat and exited as others got on. Seeing what had happened, a stewardess quickl...
Read full storyDive Flu outbreak at Chelsea opener
It didn't take long. As Chelsea opened the Premier League season against Hull, it was John Obi Mikel who confirmed that Dive Flu has infiltrated Chelsea's 2009/10 squad. First reported here at the end of last season, this strange condition has a...
Read full storyPheasant Plucker's Son Lashes Out
Chartered Accountant, Ellsworth Biggins 39 of Virginia Water, Surrey today reacted angrily to accusations from Malicious sources which had branded him as a 'Pheasant Plucker'. "I am not a pheasant plucker, I am a chartered accountant," Biggins tol...
Read full storyFr. Francois Dubois, S.J. to be elevated to Monsignor by President Obama
WASHINGTON, DC - The Vatican announced today that Jesuit Priest Fr. François Dubois is to be elevated to the office of Monsignor, Sunday, in a White House ceremony presided over by President Barack Obama. This is an obvious break in Roman Cathol...
Read full story"Chase Me!" Says Didier Drogba
Bizarre behaviour being reported from Stamford Bridge as Didier Drogba nets the winner against Hull City, as an attempted cross looped over the goalkeeper into the net. As Drogba wheeled away from the goal, he invited team mates to chase him. Exhi...
Read full storyIowa Man Designs Tornado-Proof Trailer Park
WATERLOO, Iowa - Dean Biffersteen, an unemployed graphic designer has designed what he says is a tornado-proof trailer park. Biffersteen was recently terminated at The Tobias Talbot and Second Cousins Graphic Design Agency for allegedly sexually h...
Read full storyVenice hotel's one-cent special is a hit with Mark Lowton!
VENICE - In tough economic times such as those we live in today, everybody has had to cut back on vacation travel. Airfare is outrageously expensive from the US to Europe, and even within the continent, and luxury hotels can cost as much for one wee...
Read full storyMichael Jackson On Ice
Los Angeles, CA - According to anonymous zamboni drivers, Michael Jackson is on ice, in a deep freeze, awaiting burial once the Jackson family have come to grips with the fact that the only breadwinner in the family has left the building. Said fa...
Read full storyGazzspeare's Secret Poem For Diana
After the publishing of footballer Paul Gascoigne's poem to the recently deceased Sir Bobby Robson, members of the public have come forward and provided poems that Gazza has written in the past. Literature experts Jack Tweed and Paris Hilton have...
Read full storyNASA to scrap rocket power in favor of Astral Projection
HOUSTON, Texas -- Major General Charles F. Bolden, Jr., the new NASA Administrator confirmed by congress on July 15, 2009, has released a memorandum to senior space cadets informing them of his decision to drastically cut the budget-and staff-of NASA...
Read full storyPharma Cartel May Soon Unleash Donkey Flu & Bullshit Flu Virus
If you think that you have had enough of swine flu madness and that after frequent promising-moon-but-leaving-you-with-a-worthless-mound (i.e. foretelling millions of deaths but supplying only few hundred corpses) bouts of worldwide pandemics, the w...
Read full storyJesus returns, arrested following sermon
LYNCHBURG, Va. - Jesus of Nazareth, AKA the Christ, was arrested by agents from Homeland Security following a Saturday morning sermon preached in this southern Virginia town that is home to Liberty University, founded by the late Baptist minister, Dr...
Read full storyAnti Ageing Products Proven Effective - New Report
Prostoglandin works! Niaciorhombohydrehide is effective at reducing wrinkles! Say goodbye to laughter lines with strepttidiaorrhoic alimintary gum extract! You may not be able to find these compounds in chemical textbooks, but the beauty ind...
Read full storyBarack Obama Tripped-Up By Damon Weaver, 11
He might have been able to confound his critics thus far with some smooth talking and deft sideways moves, but US President Barack Obama was no match for the probing skills of 11-year-old schoolboy interviewer Damon Weaver yesterday. Obama agreed...
Read full story"American Idol" Judge Interviews Crashed by Susan Boyle
Hollywood, California - Reportedly, Susan Boyle is emotionally blackmailing Simon Cowell. Threatening to make another scandal of herself by having another psychotic breakdown and checking into a Rehab center again, if he does not select her as Paula...
Read full storySimon Cowell on "American Idol" replacement: "My God, isn't there a Bird out there that will fit into Paula Abdul's old dresses!"
Hollywood, California - Staying true to form, Simon Cowell inadvertently blurted out what he really thinks of Paula Abdul's contribution to the "American Idol" show when his microphone was left on picking up on a conversation between him and an assoc...
Read full storyShock as Jobs Unveils New i-phone.
Seattle: Members of the press were shocked today as Steve Jobs unveiled the latest version of the i-phone. The new phone, which Jobs described as 'revolutionary' is a third of the size of the current model and is re-charged as you sleep by inserting...
Read full storyMissouri Convent Nuns Beat The Hell Out Of A Trespasser
INDEPENDENCE, Missouri - The sign at the convent gate entrance reads "No Trespassing" and by golly you had better obey the son-of-a-gun sign! Two nuns Sister Connie and Sister Catarina were sitting out on the convent porch drinking milk and eating...
Read full storyObama Administration Paid ACORN to Disrupt Town Meetings
Washington DC: A startling revelation surfaced today at a congressional hearing, just as the Democratic National Committee (DNC) stepped up its rhetoric and innuendo to defame Americans who oppose health care reform. A former DNC operative (name w...
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