Santa Claus Announces Milk and Cookies are for Pussies

Saturday, 15 August 2009

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I'd like it cold with a frosty mug nearby.

Santa Claus (a.k.a. Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, and by many other names) has announced that he is sick of the traditional plates of goodies left by children the world over. In fact, Jolly Old St. Nicholas stated in a press release that "milk and cookies are for little girl tea parties, small children, and pussies."

The Right Jolly Old Elf stated that "from now on, kids who leave me milk and cookies get reindeer poop. This man wants beer and bratwurst!"

Santa did say that children in areas where bratwurst is not available could leave burgers, hot dogs, or pizza, "but none of those damned sugar cookies shaped like snowmen or Christmas trees with the funny icing. I'm sick of that shit."

Mr. Claus also said that "no one should worry what this does to my health, because they've been giving me sugary snacks for years. If you think my weight is an issue, don't leave me any lite beer, or it's reindeer poop again. Also, if it's that generic store brand beer or some other cheap crap, I'll have Donner or Dasher piss in your stockings."

Mrs. Claus could not be reached for comment. The elf who issued the press release and introduced Santa at his news conference, however, said "hey, the guys an immortal. He can whatever he wants and he's okay after he takes a dump. Just don't piss him off with cookies or he might do it down your chimney."

"Also, if you're worried about drunk driving, he's been blind as a bat for years. The reindeer know the route and pretty much guide the sleigh anyway."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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