Jesus returns, arrested following sermon

Funny story written by Frankie The J

Saturday, 15 August 2009

image for Jesus returns, arrested following sermon
A man claiming to be Jesus Christ photographed prior to his arrest in Lynchburg, Virginia

LYNCHBURG, Va. - Jesus of Nazareth, AKA the Christ, was arrested by agents from Homeland Security following a Saturday morning sermon preached in this southern Virginia town that is home to Liberty University, founded by the late Baptist minister, Dr. Jerry Fallwell.

"This long-haired, bearded, sandal wearing, hippie freak, dressed in an Arab looking robe, was standing on an actual soap box, preaching that all the churches in the world that called themselves 'Christian churches,' had absolutely nothing to do with him," said Ron Paul XXI, senior agent for US Homeland Security.

"That was bad enough," Paul told's Religion writer, Fr. Francois Dubois, S.J. "But what really got the crowd ready to crucify the nut job was his prediction that Liberty University's football team, the Flames, would be roasted in their opening game against the West Virginia University Mountaineers on Saturday, September 7th," said Paul.

Members of the angry mob told, "That proves he ain't Jesus! Everybody knows the Lord wants Liberty to beat WVU."

"Not only that," said an unidentified Virginia State Trooper who had handcuffed the Christ; "The guy looks like a damned A-RAB, maybe even a Jew. He don't even look like Jesus. Everybody knows Jesus Christ has fair skin, light brown hair, and blue eyes!"

Police were summoned to the Lynchburg Town Square where the man claiming to be Christ was preaching to "a crowd of druggies, winos, faggots, prostitutes, and homeless people who congregate there," said a man claiming to be the pastor of the Lynchburg First Church of the Nazarene.

"Why would the Son of God want to associate with the scum of the earth when we have multi-million dollar churches all over Lynchburg? That proves the guy's a phony," the preacher said.

According to arrest reports obtained by, the man claiming to be Jesus Christ was booked into the Lynchburg Pretrial Detention Facility on felony charges of "Inciting a riot, impersonating the Son of God, Predicting the Defeat of the Liberty University Football Team, Felony Vagrancy, and several misdemeanors."

The man was treated for wounds to his hands, feet, and a penetrating wound to his torso in the jail section of Lynchburg Christian Hospital. A headband made from some type of thorn bush was jammed down on his forehead said hospital officials.

A psychiatrist who interviewed the ragged man told Fr. Dubois, "His wounds most likely came at the hands of the scum-sucking dirt bags he was living with in the park. We get psychos like him all the time, claiming to be God, or Napoleon, or even Jesus-Budda. We nuke em with Thorazine or Haldol, and put em in a straight jacket till they shut up."

Jesus remains in jail. No bond has been set and as he has no money, he will likely remain there until his trial.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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