Dive Flu outbreak at Chelsea opener

Funny story written by tennisman

Saturday, 15 August 2009

image for Dive Flu outbreak at Chelsea opener
A Dive Flu warning outside Stamford Bridge

It didn't take long. As Chelsea opened the Premier League season against Hull, it was John Obi Mikel who confirmed that Dive Flu has infiltrated Chelsea's 2009/10 squad.

First reported here at the end of last season, this strange condition has already gained a name history in its short life. Originally know as Collapsing Legs Syndrome (or CLS), the ailment was re-named Damien Duff's Diving Disease (or D4), by the Ministry of Health, in recognition of its originator. However, fearing a UEFA-wide pandemic, the World Health Organisation lead a move to change the name yet again and settled on a simpler solution, Dive Flu.

However, whereas the illness was first thought to be a condition affecting forward players in the box, in today's incident, a worrying development unfolded as Mikel's legs failed him while he was many yards outside the penalty area. As his path seemed blocked by two Hull defenders, his legs collapsed and he hit the ground with his arms flailing in despair - a classic example of Dive Flu.

It is now feared that this disease may soon affect more Premier League footballers than Flash Car Flu which ravaged professional players in the 1970's, while simultaneously boosting the sales of gaudy Ford Capris to record levels.

After Mikel's fall to earth, Didier Drogba, a player felt by many to be a carrier of this awful condition, proceeded to belt the resulting direct free kick into the net. Few agree that he and the other known sufferers will be cured by the suggestion to force players to walk to the grounds with the fans, thereby strengthening their pathetically weak lower limbs, just like the players did back in the old days.

With Chelsea fans ecstatic and ignorant of the condition now clearly controlling their African star, Hull's Manager, Phil Brown, just back from an over-age male modelling commitment in Scunthorpe, swatted away the microphone which bizarrely, has grown out of his right ear since Hull have been in the Premier League and just shrugged his shoulders; 'I know it sounds bad. But I wish some of our players would go down with it, if you'll pardon the pun'

Brown's move to change the course of the game with the introduction of 93-year-old Nick Barmby didn't work and Chelsea ran out 2-1 winners.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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