US warships watch for Elvis off the coast of Tennessee
Nashville, Tennessee - The American fleet was diverted from its mission to capture Bin Laden for a chance opportunity to capture Elvis Presley as he was expected to leave his mansion after more than twenty years pretending to be dead. The former s...
Read full storyPM challenges Pakistan on imaginary terrorism
Gordon Brown has said that Pakistan must do more to root out fake terrorism, as police thwarted yet another made-up non-existent terrorist plot in England. 'Please', the ex-bachelor said, 'please stop supplying me with endless, ridiculous fake 'pl...
Read full story"Pope Friction", Quentin Tarantino in Vatican outrage.
Despite initial reservations, it would seem that the creative muse has visited herself upon the producer in the form of his most recent film. Critics praise Tarantino's latest offering as a return to form. "Pump factions" is a lesbian, vampire Nun , martial arts extravaganza combining elements of traditional "Grind house" movies, "Planet of the apes" and an emotive soundtrack written by Link...
Read full storyFBI to exchange marijuana for release of the skipper held by Somali pirates.
NAIROBIA, Kenya - FBI anti-hostage negotiators began handing joints to the Somali pirates in an effort Thursday to free an American cargo ship captain held captive on a lifeboat. A U.S. destroyer and a spy plane kept a close watch on the deal in the...
Read full storyOriginal Jackson 5 lyrics revealed
The Jackson 5's song 'Blame It On the Boogie' originally had different words, and here they are: 'My baby's always cryin' and it wouldn't be a bad thing But I don't get no lovin' and that's no lie I spend the night in Frisco at every excuse And that's where I learnt all about child abuse Don't blame it on the sunshine Don't blame it on the moonlight Don't blame it on the good times Bla...
Read full storySnooker Loopy Nuts Are We?
Snooker chiefs today unveiled their plans for making snooker a more popular sport. Viewing figures have fallen steadily over the years. When Dennis Spectacles beat Steve Boring in the 1985 World Final 500, 000, 000 tuned in. Recently the Exchange and...
Read full storyTop Policeman Quits Over Leaked Documents, But Gets Starring Role In 'The Bill'
Britain's top counter-terrorism officer has quit after admitting he could have jeopardised an operation to thwart a possible UK al-Qaeda terror plot. Assistant Commissioner Bob Quick resigned after he accidentally revealed a secret document to ph...
Read full storySurprise Bounce in House Prices
UK building society, NationIfax, announced this morning a surprise rise in house prices. Figures for March show house prices across the UK rose by 0.0012%. The figures were greeted with excitement by the markets with the FTSE100 up 0.1 points at...
Read full storyManchester United make audacious new bid
Cash rich Manchester United has dipped its toe in a new transfer market causing their trade mark controversy in the process. Following the weekend's photo's of United manager, Sir Alex Ferguson, leaving a Berlin restaurant with German Chancellor,...
Read full storyWhite House clarifies 'We are not at war with Islam' speech
The White House moved to quell domestic fears about the softening approach of President Obama over the War on Terror. Following a speech in Europe in which he said 'We are not at war with Islam', politicians and activists in America have attacked Ob...
Read full storyRecession-hit BBC to rebrand Radio 2
Following on from yesterday's shock news that Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles is to be laid off due to cutbacks at the BBC-run station and replaced by a specially trained talking buttock, the BBC's Head of Radio has today announced that Radio 2 is to have a...
Read full storyMadonna Gandhi visits Calcutta
The guru of pop, Madonna Krishnouise Gandhi, today visited Calcutta in India, to give hope to the thousands of children living on the streets there. 'Children of Calcutta', she announced, 'celebrate! I took a holiday from adopting African childre...
Read full storyUCAS dropped in favour of new Universities Fair Admissions Policy
The Universities Fair Admissions Policy has been unveiled by the Government after two years of consultations. From 2011 the new policy will replace the current UCAS system. Jim Knight, Minister for Education and Skills, announced the new system t...
Read full storyNo Comment
Merseyside - Last night. It looked like business as usual for the red half of Merseyside when Fernando Torres put Liverpool ahead after six minutes in the Champions League quarter final first leg. Liverpool, who have recently been kidding themselv...
Read full storyLindsey Lohan, Sam Ronson Split For Good?
"This whole thing has been an absolute hell," Lindsay Lohan reveals after her split from girlfriend Sam Ronson. "I feel like Alice In Wonderland and at the Mad Tea Party. That's what my life has been of late, a Mad Tea Party" Lindsay's been more...
Read full storyFrance: Armstrong A Dope
French's hard core biking bureau says 7-time champ Lance Armstrong is a two-time loser. However, the seven time winner says the French Biking Bureau are full of shit. "They make it twice as hard for someone outside France to compete. It's like...
Read full storyU.S. Chemical Industry Falls Down, Goes Boom
In a stunning reversal of fortune, the once highly esteemed U.S. chemical industry has completely collapsed into, as insiders call it, a slag heap. Industry analysts, however, are more blunt, calling current chemistry "hulking, stinking, steaming do...
Read full storyBank of England Cuts Interest Rate by 0.00% to Help Boost Economy
The Bank of England has cut interest rates once again to help to encourage the economy to recover. The cut of 0.00% is seen as a way of cutting the base rate without it going down to zero and punishing lenders. All previous cuts to the interest r...
Read full storyNew Fourth List Of Little-Known Facts That Will Amaze & Astound Your Friends
If you rub your warts with an old dishrag and go bury it behind her house at midnight on a full moon, they'll all disappear overnight and reappear on your Mother-In-Law's tits! Although the Eskimo has over 40 different words for snow, the French outdo them by having over 55 different words for surrender. Never leave a Viagra pill lying out where your pet dickie bird might find it. If he eats...
Read full storySmoking banned; Cocaine legalised
In a controversial move, anti-smoking nazis have pushed for smokers to be banned from smoking anywhere in the country - whether it be inside their own homes or outside in the open air. The government has backed the ban and the new law will take effe...
Read full storyChristiano Ronaldo Quits Man Utd
Christiano Ronaldo, after months of speculation, has finally confirmed that he is to move away from Manchester United. Ronaldo has been plying his trade at Old Trafford for 'some' years now, and many people in many places assumed that he would con...
Read full storyGame of Musical Chairs Turns Ugly
A game of Musical Chairs turned ugly yesterday evening when a dispute arose over the rules. The entertainment had been organised as part of a child's birthday to pass the time between cake and presents. However, the situation quickly grew out of c...
Read full storyGrim Reaper UFO hovering over Buckingham Palace
London - (X-Files Mess): A Destroying Angel UFO has been spotted over Buckingham Palace prompting fears that the Illuminati will go ahead with their Good Friday ritual sacrifice and top the world's longest running monarchy hoax contender Queen Elizab...
Read full storyPresident Fidel Castro "very energetic" For a Corpse
A visiting United States congressional delegation found president Fidel Castro of Cuba to be amazingly energetic when compared to a corpse. Democratic Reps. Mel Watt (NC), Emanuel Cleaver (MO), Marcia Fudge (OH), Mike Honda (CA), Bobby Rush (IL), Lau...
Read full storyBlair goes down on Pope to prove homosexuality 'all god clean fun'
Vatican Shitty - (Blowjob Mess): Ex-UK Prime Monster Tony Blair has offered to go down on Pope Joe Ratzinger to help make the point that gayness is 'all god (sic) clean fun'. His London orifice has even sent the Ponitff a couple of homegrown holid...
Read full storyTosser of the Yard replaced with Labour Sperm Donor probe cop
London - (AssoCIAted Mess): A senior police officer - whose dawn arrest of Tony Blair's personal nappy-changer Ruth Turner and blind truss portfolio bagman Lord Levy has become the stuff of New Scotland Yard legend - has replaced daftass top UK anti-...
Read full story3 Inch Painting of 60ft House on Dad's Penis
An 18-year-old has been grounded after it was discovered that he had painted a picture of his parent's 60ft £1million mansion on his dad's penis. The graffiti had gone unnoticed for over a year and it was only when the teenager's mother tried ou...
Read full storyNicholson donating eyebrow to museum after death
Hollywood, CA - Jack Nicholson has announced he is donating his famous raised left eyebrow to the British Museum in London, after his death. Nicholson claims the eyebrow had been passed down through seven generations of the Nicholson family, and con...
Read full storyHuge Public Concern Over New Anti-Terror Chief Replacement!
London Mayor Boris Johnson has expressed concern regarding the hasty replacement of Anti-Terror Boss Bob Quick. Home Secretary Jacqui Smiff countered Johnsons claim by saying "we would have put the British public at risk had we not replaced the bu...
Read full storyWinehouse Wins Miss Universe Pageant
Krakow, Poland - Amy Winehouse, representing Miss United Kingdom, has become the first ever drug addict to win the Miss Universe Pageant, which was held yesterday in Poland. 180 women representing 70 countries took part in the pageant, which began...
Read full storyManchester United Boss In Chewing Controversy
Bad news just keeps on cropping-up for the Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson! This morning, he was at the centre of a new and potentially-damaging controversy over his touchline behaviour during games, and more specifically, his penchant f...
Read full storyTop Terror Cop Arrested
A senior police office has been arrested today in a counter-terrorism operation aimed at exposing an Al-Qaeda mole in senior office, sources within the Metropolitan Police have confirmed. Reports are sketchy, but it is believed that armed police f...
Read full storyMerseyside Police in Therapy
There are reports today that Merseyside Police is to receive therapy after yesterday's anti-terror raids throughout Liverpool. 12 people were arrested in the operations across the area last night, including several at Liverpool John Moores Univers...
Read full storyObama Announces Cleaner, Greener Pork-Barrel Spending Initiative
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama says he wants to set the record straight. Having received blunt criticism from many who say he has betrayed his promise to end pork barrel spending, the President asserts that he is often confronted with lose/lose...
Read full storyCircus Clowns Laid Off
SARASOTA, Florida - The poor state of the U.S. economy has now affected the circus world. The world's largest circus, Ringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Circus has had to lay off eight of their clowns. The director of circus operations Bolivar...
Read full storyJustice Ministry: New Laws for Police Introduced
Following the tragic death of Ian Tomlinson during the G20 protests last week, and the alleged actions of a police offer which may have contributed to his death, the Justice Ministry has announced new laws to ensure that similar events do not recur.
Read full storyG20 Death: IPCC to hold Independent Inquiry
The Independent Police Complaints Commission are to hold an independent inquiry into the independent actions of an independent police officer which may have been linked to the tragic death of Ian Tomlinson. Mister Tomlinson died in the street on A...
Read full storyObamas Declare Solidarity with Gays on White House Lawn
Don't ask, don't tell and if you do your ass is grass in today's military remains in place under liberal black president Obama,and gay mariage is among the progressive causes that the new progressive President opposes. But fear not homosexuals of the...
Read full storyBennie Yahoo Prays for Ten Plagues on Palestine at Israeli National Seder
Ben Jamin Netan Yahoo stood at the Passover celebration at the national Israeli Seder and prayed for the Ten Plagues on Egypt from the Biblical Exodus story to be visited upon Palestine. BJ-NY went further as he explained how modern Israelis no longe...
Read full storyUtah Calls All Straight Mormons Home
Once one of the fastest spreading sects in the world, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has heard a clarion call from their Leader's convention. The modern descendants in the faith of Joseph Smith and Brigham Young are signaling for all...
Read full storyYankees Infected with Girardi Vaginalis
The wealthiest team in history has yielded one of the richest bacterial cultures in the CDC record books. Usually in yankee lore the records were for homeruns, pennants and world series. But since the Steingrabber twins fired Joe Torre,a malaise has...
Read full storyCruise and Travolta Signed for Butch and Sundance Remake
Tom Cruise and John Travolta are trying to be the next Robert Redford and Paul Newman. The pair have signed on for the remake of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Cruise will play the role of Sundance, played by Redford in the original picture, w...
Read full storyDoublespeak and Political Correctness in the Obama Administration
Characters in 1984 (the famous George Orwell novel) were used to their government using "doublespeak," a form of changing the meaning of a word for their own purposes. The Obama administration has chosen to follow suit with this practice. In a re...
Read full storyBilly Bob Thorton Does His Joaquin Phoenix Imitation
Joaquin, you have some competition. In a radio appearance reminiscent of David's Letterman's interview of Joaquin Phoenix who went nuts and finally ran into the audience, Billy Bob Thornton gave a puzzling and difficult interview Wednesday night in C...
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