WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama says he wants to set the record straight. Having received blunt criticism from many who say he has betrayed his promise to end pork barrel spending, the President asserts that he is often confronted with lose/lose situations.
"If I veto important legislation because it has pork attached to it," explained the President, "my critics... will only point out that I vetoed important legislation. On the other hand, I'm helpless to stop those... on both sides of the aisle, who load up bills with pork. That's just what they do."
Fortunately, he says he has come up with an ingeniously simple solution that, while not eliminating pork barrel spending, will at least harness the energy of the process. It takes a lot of energy to print hundreds of thousands of pages of bills and their attached pork provisions, figured the president, so the energy, the equipment, the presses, the friction of mechanical processes - it all must produce heat. Then, why not harness that heat energy?
He immediately drafted a plan to divert air warmed as printers generate endless reams of pork-barrel documents, making the Oval Office and its attached bathroom nice and comfy using a system of ducts. It would also use the energy to provide plenty of piping hot water for the two rooms.
Today, White House staff informed President Obama that his proposed amendments to the ventilation and plumbing systems would be quite simple to enact, involving only about $149 worth of materials and the labor of staff handymen already on salary. He was also told that this miniscule price tag included everything necessary to provide for the needs of several adjoining rooms.
The President's cleaner, greener pork-barrel spending initiative is expected to save the White House roughly $515 a month on average. He says he will use the money saved to pay down his own personal share of America's nearly $11.2 trillion national debt, estimated to be about $36,500.
"So," he proudly proclaimed, "I should be paying off my share just before my second term ends!"