Snooker chiefs today unveiled their plans for making snooker a more popular sport. Viewing figures have fallen steadily over the years. When Dennis Spectacles beat Steve Boring in the 1985 World Final 500, 000, 000 tuned in. Recently the Exchange and Mart Open attracted viewing figures of 4. One of those, Mr John Cole of Nova Mews, thought he was tuning in to Bargain Hunt. "I thought the balls were useless. But you could get something for the cloth. And those bits of wood were nice."
The image problem has vexed those running the game for a number of years. They called in leading celebrity publicist Clax Mifford to help change the face of the game. Now there are some new rules.
In each frame one ball will be heavily loaded with explosives. Only the referee will know which ball it is. If the right shot is played a player could clear the table. And the kebab shop next door.
Jim Davidson will act as master of ceremonies at each tournament. He will 'entertain' by telling racist jokes whilst members of the audience down 30 pints of lager and a curry. John Virgo will do 'amusing' impersonations of other unknown snooker players, whilst wearing a waste coat that looks like he has vomited over it.
John 'Bollocks' Parrot, former snooker player and professional Liverpudlian, said "Calm down. This is smashing. All we need is some disco lights. Then a few of us could release a really fun hit single." Several hundred passers by rushed forward to strangle him.
Latest score from the crucible: Arthur Miller 147 Ray Reardon foul 4 away.