In a stunning reversal of fortune, the once highly esteemed U.S. chemical industry has completely collapsed into, as insiders call it, a slag heap. Industry analysts, however, are more blunt, calling current chemistry "hulking, stinking, steaming dog poo."
In a misguided attempt to increase profits, industry leaders over the past two years chose to outsource all skilled positions, formerly staffed by this nation's best and brightest scientists, leaving only the bean counters and managers behind.
The resulting intelligence vacuum, caused by the sacking of the tens of thousands of experienced workers possessing cutting-edge talents, left U.S. pharmaceutical, petrochemical, plastics, paints, and agrochemical companies with nothing valuable remaining to sell and scant hopes of inventing anything new. Profits, indeed, all industry income, are rapidly evaporating into the ether.
When reached for comment, chemical industry leaders expressed complete bewilderment at these developments. "We didn't expect that eliminating the scientists would have any effect at all. We still don't really know what they did in those laboratories," spokesperson Bea Astard said.
While the industry executives still try to figure out why their businesses are failing, the general public is growing alarmed at the buzzards, maggots, and giant green flies swarming around the empty chemical sites.