Written by Dungeekin

Thursday, 9 April 2009

Following the tragic death of Ian Tomlinson during the G20 protests last week, and the alleged actions of a police offer which may have contributed to his death, the Justice Ministry has announced new laws to ensure that similar events do not recur.

The new laws will come in to effect immediately, and were announced by Justice Minister Laventiy Straw this morning.

Mr Straw said, "clearly, the Justice Ministry is highly disturbed by the events of last week, and it is right that we make sure that such a tragedy never happens again. These new laws will ensure that the actions of a police officer should not, and will not, lead to an IPCC inquiry being required in future".

The new laws are as follows:

  • Going Equipped For Annoying A Police Officer;
  • Looking At A Police Officer In A Funny Way;
  • Resisting A Police Officer Who Wants To Give Someone A Kicking;
  • Being In The Wrong Place At The Wrong Time, Tough Fucking Luck.

All three new offences carry a range of on-the spot penalties, ranging from a damn good twatting with a riot baton up to the application of police dogs, tasers, pepper-spray and firearms at the discretion of the officer doing the beating. The laws also allow for the imposition of capital punishment should the thumping administered not do the job in the first place.

A spokesman for the Association of Chief Police Officers welcomed the new laws, adding that they would be 'carefully and thoroughly' applied - especially to journalists, photographers or anyone in front of a constable when he didn't get laid the night before.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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