Madoff pawned Opus Dei ceremonial chalices suit alleges
Off-the-Wailing-Wall Street, NY - (Armageddonouttahere Mess): Convicted Ponzi scamner Bernard Madoff is being sued by ultra wingnut TheoCon tossers Opus Dei who are alleging their priceless Holy Land ceremonial artefacts were lost to a TriBeCa pawnbr...
Read full storyNorth Korea space launch 'sucks utterly'
North Korea failed in its attempt to get a satellite into space after the rubber band broke on their rocket launcher Sunday, US and South Korean officials say. Two stages of the rocket and its payload of government approved 'nuclear-powered bubbl...
Read full storyEaster Bunny: "My Porno Shame"
Easter Bunny has revealed that the stories are true. He has a past as a porn star. Recent revelations in the press have forced 'EB' to come clean. "Yes, it's true. Some years ago I was down on my luck. Easter was still viewed as a religious festiv...
Read full storyMichelle O'Bama's 'No 1 First Ladies Defective Agency' star role audition
London - (ReUterus & Black Ass Mess): Having recently put on 'a few inches' (ie. 30lbs) around her already ample hips US First Lady Michelle O'Bama was secretly delighted to be asked last week in London to audition for the leading role of Mma Ram...
Read full storyManchester United Fans Incensed Over Proposed Name Change
Violent disorder broke out in Manchester tonight in the wake of the club's 3-2 victory over a plucky Aston Villa, following news that the club's American owners were preparing for a rebranding of the club, beginning with a name change. "United's a...
Read full storyFormula One driver accused of overtaking
The sport of Formula One has been thrown into turmoil this week when it was alleged that during the Malaysian Grand Prix, one driver overtook another driver. The alleged overtaker, Lewis Hamilton, is accused of bringing the sport into disrepute. B...
Read full story17 Year Old Italian Loses Virginity In Manchester
Ecstatic scenes today in Manchester as 'Fred The Red' Macheda, with back to goal, took one touch before curling a sublime right footed shot beyond the grasp of a desperate Brad Friedel and ever onward into the net, sealing a 3-2 victory for Mancheste...
Read full storySpoof Writer Laments, Few People Rating Spoof Stories
Spoof writer NickFun lamented today that fewer people than ever have been rating his stories, even though he thinks he's doing a fine job. I check my statistics almost daily", Fun said. "Every day, even when I don't have a new story, I get at lea...
Read full storyTop Ten Books w/e 10/03/09
1) "A collector's guide to Obamaware". The new hobby of collecting Barak Obama souvenirs shows no sign of abating after 2 months. Illustrated. 2) "Whale Meat Again". Japanese cookery book by Shintowa Nagasaki, the inventor of edible shoes. 3) "Piers Morgan is a Cult", by Richard Littlejohn. Sales still strong. 4) "Google StreetView Book of Oddities". A hasty cut-and-paste of stuff you co...
Read full storyNew television series: "I'm a politician, get me out of here!"
TV bosses are debating on what to call a new show, should it be; "Second Homes?" or "My Little Empire?" or "At Your Expense?" They finally agreed on a name. Thus a new (reality) television series is to be broadcast later this summer called: "I'm a...
Read full storyThousands Flock to See "Weeping Goody"
CHADAYAMANGALAM, INDIA (Kerala) - Welcome to the land of cashews, jackfruit, peppers, coconut and rubber, the legendary "Rock City," site of the giant boulder upon which Jatayu fell when Ravana cut his wings. A tourist town of about 25,000, located...
Read full storyManchester Rovers under investigation about new player
Manchester Rovers are under investigation by the Soccerball Association, after they fielded a player with size 32 shoes. The player, Ronaldo McDonaldo, is a professional clown and regularly uses his 50cm (20") shoes to entertain the public. But th...
Read full storyMadonna To Adopt Jelly Babies
Following her recent reversal in the High Court of Malawi, Madonna is to adopt Jelly Babies. An insider revealed "Really it is better for all concerned. Madonna is a little bit bonkers so a real child would not be a good idea. And the three real kids...
Read full storyDiplomatic Incident after Ref hit by missile
There were tense scenes at the UN Security Council this afternoon after it was confirmed the referee at the Cardiff City and Swansea City football derby was hit by a missile launched from North Korea, and not from a member of the crowd as was first c...
Read full storyWoman Insists "My Marriage Is Strong"
A woman has insisted that her marriage is strong. Jaqui Stiff, who does something for the government, believes that her marriage will survive. She is married to Terry Spank, who has the largest collection of porn in the UK. His collection is so large...
Read full storyGovernment To House Asylum Seekers
Gordon Broon has announced that members of the government are to house asylum seekers. Geoff Hoon, Jaqui Smith, Harry Cohen and that McNulty feller who nobody really knows have been asked to help. It is believed that the shortage of housing is yet to...
Read full storySchools to Change System for Mascot Choices
Schools in the state of New Mexico will change the way that mascots are chosen. No longer will names such as Lions, Eagles, Cowboys, or Falcons be chosen just because it sounds alliterate to the school name or because of a local vote. From now on,...
Read full storyDarling Is Worse Than We Thought
The Chancellor of the Exchequer today proved that he is in fact much worse than we first thought. At a time when the world is gripped with financial crisis and things are expected to get worse Darling responded by saying "It's worse than I thought".
Read full storyApparently, are alive. Selena Gomez's ex?
On entering the concert hall, I was enveloped in a screaming mass of hormonal teenagers and middle aged mid-life crisis suffering adults. The dreadful wannabe screaming of the so called band could be heard, I was sure, from China. Bracing a look at the anatomies clashing in a throb of a so called 'mosh-pit', and trying hard not to stare at the sheep of familiar dressed emos, I hurried through...
Read full storySecret G20 meeting exposed: China screwed to the wallboard
LONDON, England - The Queen reports that secret meetings held between China, England and the United States can now be made public, since "everybody knows about it anyway", as she told me. The toxic assets that caused the world economic crises are...
Read full storyWisconsin Legalizes Happy Marriages
Milwaukee, Wisconsin-Unlike it's neighbor to the southwest, Iowa, the Wisconsin State Senate has passed and Governor Doyle has signed legislation that legalizes "happy" marriages. "We can't guarantee that your marriage will be gay or carefree but...
Read full storyJade Goody to rise on Easter Day
Jade Goody's publicist Max Clitoris has today confirmed that it is Jade Goody's intention to be resurrected next Sunday. Speaking today, Clitoris said "After years of being crucified by the popular press it is now time for Jade to rise again. Her...
Read full storyCancer Raises Jade Awareness
A leading cancer charity has declared that the disease has raised people's awareness of Jade Goody. The Famously Untalented Cancer Kinship said "Without cancer Jade would still be an unknown trollope with a foul mouth and a twisted mind. It just goes...
Read full storyNot Nice To Fool Santa Claus
It was a little over a year ago that Morris Lancaster of Santa Claus, Indiana told Spenser County police that someone had called him at his house that morning and told him they we the police and that they already knew he had hid a small bag of cocain...
Read full storyMan at Father-Son Picnic had Been kidnapped Five Years Ago
River City, Iowa-Folks around here all agreed that Jacob Grotznik was a natural born salesman. That's what he was doing on the afternoon of April 12th, 2003. That day, while selling gift-wrap for a school fund raiser, twelve-year-old Jacob Grotznik a...
Read full storyTo veil or not to veil?
This is the big question many people are asking around the world as to whether they should look like a ninja warrior or just to be themselves - damn well ugly. We have compiled a list of the advantages and disadvantages of wearing a veil. The advantages If you've had a bad hair do you can hide under the veil You don't need to shave everyday, Its one way of getting all your cousins i...
Read full storyUK Government to introduce 'Sh*it tax'
As a new initiative the UK government is set to introduce a new green tax called - 'The Sh*it Tax'. Its the brain child of Alistair Darling. 'The Shit tax' would be calculated by weight -the more you shit the more tax you pay, the less yo shit...
Read full storyPorn shop manager denies hiring a Home Secretary
A porn shop manager in Little Newsworthy-sub-Headline, East Wessex, today denied he had hired a Home Secretary for the weekend. 'Go away!', he shouted from his shop, True Blue Jackie's, 'I deny it all! I just buy and sell, and often watch, pornogr...
Read full storyBill Weirdie's 'Political Bird Watch'
Political bird watcher Sir Bill Weirdie's 'Political Bird Watch' began a new series today, co-presented with Jay Starling and Myrtle Crowe. 'And here we see the lesser-spotted Obama during its annual migration from America to France', Weirdie said.'When it's in America its plumage is predominately black, but after it arrives for its spring stay in Europe it turns light brown, almost whitish.' A...
Read full storyBody comes forward to claim severed head
A body today came forward in South-east England, to claim the severed head that had been found in a field there. Mr L Party, aged 108, told reporters: 'The head, with the brain, is what really makes someone who they are, without my head I had just...
Read full storySir Alex Ferguson Has A Nasty Accident
There was drama at the top of the Premier League last night, as Manchester United Sir Alex Ferguson who was watching the Fulham v. Liverpool game on telly with his wife Cathy at their Wilmslow home, had a nasty accident when the Merseysiders scored i...
Read full storyAlan Shearer admits that he's 'A Very Naughty boy'
Alan Shearer, the so called 'saviour of Newcastle' was forced to admit last night that he was "not the messiah, but a very naughty boy." Speaking after Newcastle's 2-0 defeat to Chelsea, Shearer owned up to a elaborate hoax, after admitting that h...
Read full storyDear Duff
Dear Duff, I think that I'm just too nice and I think that this is not allowing me to see the bad side of people. Just recently I had a builder round to quote for an extension. I asked if he had any satisfied customers and he told me that he was always doing work for Esther Rantzen. He then asked me for thirty grand up front, "just for exes like squire" and it was only after I had given...
Read full storyMPs Caught with their snouts in the trough...AGAIN!
In an exposé that exposes things big style, I am ready to blow the lid off MPs who have their piggy snouts in the trough of the public purse. A story robbed off popular tabloid and rag, The Daily Mail, makes interesting reading, for there are at l...
Read full story17 year old Girl Flogs back the Taliban in Public
In a dramatic development in SWAT Valley, the 17-year old girl who was last seen in the video has revealed that with help of few women, they have been able to return the favor the Taliban had meted to her in public few days back. She not only con...
Read full storyBlacks And Red Indians Battle It Out In Dudley
There was real drama in the West Midlands town of Dudley yesterday afternoon when, in a strange new alternative re-enactment of the American Civil War, two tribes battled it out in the town centre for control of the marketplace. The trouble flared...
Read full storyThe Man Who Shot Down a UFO
CANTONVILLE, NEW YORK - In a bizarre turn of events, a man shoots down an alien aircraft with a home-made RPG, as his wife records it on video camera and then disappears. This all happened sometime last Thursday, the man told WEIRD Weekly. I took a trip to his house up in the rocky Adirondacks to investigate. I was invited into the house and offered coffee. I declined, and asked to see the video e...
Read full storyNY cops find children of the sewer
NEW YORK, N.Y. - Detective Urdtien Atereien reports that NY cops arrested a crap load of more than 100 sewer children today. The kids are from 13 to 20 years old. They turned up when cops investigated reports of children biting the butts of peopl...
Read full storyObama More Popular Than Urkel in Germany
Staats-Zeitung,Germany-President Obama was such a hit during his visit to Germany that a German Pole ranked him as more popular than Steve Urkel, a fictional character on an American comedy sitcom called "Family Matters". "Sure I liked "Family Mat...
Read full storyOprah to Give Octomum Her Own Show
Chigago - Media mogul Oprah Winfrey threw a giant media party on the weekend at McCormick Place to celebrate The Octomum being the latest television celebrity to join her media empire. The Octomum will star in her own daytime television show calle...
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