Written by Jalapenoman

Sunday, 5 April 2009

image for Schools to Change System for Mascot Choices
These kids are happy that they are no longer Loma Linda Mustangs, but are now Loma Linda 3rd Generation Welfare

Schools in the state of New Mexico will change the way that mascots are chosen. No longer will names such as Lions, Eagles, Cowboys, or Falcons be chosen just because it sounds alliterate to the school name or because of a local vote. From now on, the mascots must be named for something that has an actual relation to the school.

This is an offshoot of the recent move toward political correctness by not allowing NCAA schools to name mascots after American Indians or Indian tribes.

The Las Cruces Public School system became the first district to comply with the new guidlines when it announced the new mascots for several schools. Lynn Middle School, for example, will no longer be the Cougars. They are now the Lynn Lockdowns. Picacho Middle School, looking on the hazing of the nerdish and younger students, will become the Picacho Pink Bellys (other schools will also follow this pattern of naming mascots after the most popular form of hazing on campus).

Other schools in the system will change to:

  • The Mayfield High School teams will remain the Trojans, but now are the Mayfield Trojan Condoms
  • Sierra Middle School will lose the Falcon mascot and become the Sierra Swirlies.
  • Nunez Elementary will now sport the Nunez Purple Nurples.
  • Washington Elementary will become the Washington Wedgies.
  • Las Cruces High School has not been able to decide if the will become the Juvenile Delinquents or the Under Age Pole Dancers
  • Onate High School's girls teams will now become the Pregnant Teenagers.
  • Clausen Kindergarden students will be known, not as the Little Cowboys, but as the Pants Pissers.
  • University Hills Elementary School Students will now become the Fighting Pedophile Victims.

Assistant Superintendent of Schools Robert Jacobson said that "it should be easier for our children to feel more pride in the names of these mascots where they have a real connection than in some animal that they only see in a zoo."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more