Spork Stabbings on Rise in London
London - Mayor Boris Johnson is outraged at the increase in spork stabbings in London. "Spork stabbings are now up to one or two a day. While most incidents have resulted in multiple skin indentations it is only a matter of time before one of these a...
Read full storyBarack Obama to Expose Himself Completely
Senator Barack Obama, feeling that his previous biographies, "Dreams From My Father" and "The Audacity of Hope" have not sufficiently defined his life to voters has been working on a new book. The working title is "The Chicago Story." Obama says...
Read full storySarah Palin Has Nude Pictures Of Warren Redlich
John McCain's Republican running mate Sarah Palin has told friends back in Alaska that she has the perfect foil against spoof writer Warren Redlich and his stories about her - nude photos of him! Mrs Palin said she had had Mr Redlich 'staked-out'...
Read full storyPayPal Employees to Wear Mandatory Smile Generators
San Jose Ca., Non-FDIC insured PayPal, a payment method use by sellers and buyers worldwide to buy, sell and trade on eBay, announced today that all employees will be fitted for and required to wear "smile generators." "This device is designed t...
Read full storyMan Charged After Shooting Neighbour's Dog
A man has been sentenced to 240 hours community service by Swindon Magistrates Court for shooting a neighbours dog with a pellet-gun, after it repeatedly "defecated itself inside out" on his lawn. "I was going to clear it up of course, but by the...
Read full storyGordon Brown-Trousers Is Brown Bread
UK Prime Minister Gordon Brown-Trousers is Dead - Metaphorically speaking of course. According to Downing Street sources he just sits at his desk all day staring at a photograph of Tony. He hardly speaks and when he does it is an unidentifiable gr...
Read full storyPalin Rocks Minneapolis
The comedian Sarah Palin has successfully completed the final show in her one-night tour at the Republican National Convention, notorious for its often frosty receptions. Palin managed to win the rowdy crowd over(complete with pink fur-lined stets...
Read full storySandra Bullock says Palin was original role model for Miss Congeniality movie
Los Angeles - (Lipstick Pitbull Bitch Mess): Hollywood actress Sandra Bollox said today that the 2000 smash-hit movie Miss Congenital Liar was loosely based on Sarah Palin's own 1984 Miss Alaska award. Palin, 44, was sponsored by the Wasilla Gay A...
Read full storyBritney Spears' Vagina To Be Sewn Up*
A vagina belonging to pop superstar Britney Spears, is to be sewn up, according to some people in a courthouse Spears' vagina has been the subject of countless stories in the media, especially on obscure English satirical news website TheSpoof.com...
Read full storyUsing Sense
Come on guys, you know the following advice makes SENSE: Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab. Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab. Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab. Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab. and, most importantly... Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department. JUST DO IT!...
Read full storyPilot 'comes' down safely
An experienced stunt pilot has narrowly escaped death as his plane crashed in a field at the Redcliffe airshow. An MaD spokesman said the jet crashed just 200 yards from crowds at about 1140 BST. Onlookers described the horror they witnessed a...
Read full storyDear Kent Pete: My husband likes porn
Dear Kent Pete My husband accesses porn sites when I am not in the house. I haven't told him I know about it, as I'm sure he would be angry that I was 'spying' on him. He always deletes the sites he accesses from the history section, but doesn't realise that there are other ways of seeing what he's been downloading. Whenever he gets in before me he usually lies about the time he's got home a...
Read full storyKevin Keegan Forced Out Of Newcastle
Kevin Keegan, the former Newcastle United manager, has spoken for the first time about the circumstances which resulted in him being unceremoniously booted-out of St James' Park. Keegan, 57, contacted Radio 5 Live with a statement saying that he h...
Read full storyKent Chief Constable airs views about people behind bars
The Chief Constable of Kent, Nick Scroats, has received an answer from the Secretary of State for Justice to his concerns over the number of people behind bars. The Rt Hon Jack Straw MP has replied to those concerns at a press conference held earl...
Read full storySarah Palin To Change Surname To Avoid Ridiculous Confusion With Ex-Monty Python Star
Sarah Palin, the running mate of Republican White House hopeful John McCain, is to change her surname to avoid any further confusion with the ex-Monty Python comedian, Michael Palin. Hundreds of writers all over the world have drawn the logical, i...
Read full storyGerrard cracks a smile
Liverpool UK: Shocking news reverberated around the world today with the news that Steven Gerrard actually smiled. Mr Gerrard, noted for being a miserable git, was opening a snack bar outside a College in Garston Liverpool. Stunned onlookers stare...
Read full storySarah Palins Husband suffers Stroke, Penis Implant Found!
HNN NEWS Husband of Governor Sarah Palin, Todd Palin is reported to have suffered a stroke earlier today which has rendered his right side completely paralysed. All was well for the Palins until an x-ray of Mr Palins 'lower half' was 'accidentally' l...
Read full storySarah Palin and 'Bong Hits 4 Jesus' teacher Deborah Morse gay naked porno internet videos posted
Juneau, Alaska - (Lurid Ass Mess): Sarah Palin: GOP femme fatale or poster child for Alaska's Corrupt Bastards Club? That is the FBI's top worry as a cache of gay naked porno videos featuring Sarah Palin in flagrente delicto with 'Bong Hits 4 Jesu...
Read full storyThe Self Healing Shoe
A new shoe has been invented which the inventor hopes will make a pair of shoes and other footwear last much monger than what we are used to - suggesting up to twenty years before any noticeable deterioration in the health of the shoe. The self-h...
Read full storyBush Preggers With Cheney's Gay Sex Child
The rumors of secret Republican occult gay prostitute goings on at the White house and Bohemiaum Grove have now been unequivocally confirmed with the fact that George Bush is now carrying the secret gay sex child of the current US Vice President, Dic...
Read full storyOlympic Face Sitting Continues
As we reported back in July the new olympic sport of face sitting started way before the rest of the games as it was expected to last much longer than the rest of the tournament. Well, we can now tell you that the final three countries are now in a h...
Read full storyTin Knickers and Traffic Lights
A Manchester night club is trialling a controversial system of a clubber's availability for sex. The system involves and requires clubber's to purchase appropriately coloured armbands on the way into the club. It is hoped the scheme will reduce...
Read full storyGPS Error for 2012 planners
A William Shakespeare festival is being planned for the run-up to the 2012 London games as part of an effort to make it a 'Cultural Olympiad'. Unfortunately nobody has yet had the wit to check which Stratford the stadium should be built in. Sev...
Read full storyPrice Of Sex Falls For Third Month In A Row
The price of Sex on Britain's streets has now fallen for the third month in a row, giving rise to fears of a global meltdown in the industry, it has been reported. Prostitutes in London are now charging their lowest prices for more than 30 years,...
Read full storyMirren to launch 'Nazi-Free' Cocaine Line
Los Angeles - In an interview today with 'Hallo' magazine Oscar- winning actress Dame Helen Mirren, announced the launch of her new range of drugs which she claims are 100% 'Nazi--Free'. Mirren,106, recently admitted that she stopped using cocaine wh...
Read full storyMcKinnon Marked Man for Hacking Real X-Files
A demonstration on behalf of Gary McKinnon was held outside the Home Office in London yesterday afternoon with protesters hurling cobs of fermenting chocolate blancmange and lumps of steaming aardvark shite at Home Secretary Jacqui Smith when she appeared on her third floor office balcony, ordering the assembly to "Be quiet and fuck off". Ms. Smith quickly retreated inside when her hi-viz tarta...
Read full storySacked For Scraping The Pot
Lancashire in the UK is known for its hotpot and at one time it was so much adored that people would fight over it to some extent. If there was any left on the surface of the pot some people would 'scrape the pot' to get some of it. The term 'scra...
Read full storyI Like To Eat
NEW HOPE - Got anything to eat? I love to eat anything that's handy. Brambles, leaves, twigs, hay, grass, clothes, shoes. Actually, the list is endless. That's a nice Fendi dress you're wearing. What does it taste like? I like those Ferragamo loafers you have on. Bet they're chewy and spicy. I like that purse you're holding. Got anything in there to eat? No? That's OK. I'll just eat the purse i...
Read full storyMicrosoft unveil new game - Toon Wars
Reading UK: Microsoft today unveiled it's latest game for the xbox 360 - Toon Wars - A Newcastle United Manager Sim type game. The press release said - "Microsoft are pleased to announce that Toon Wars will hit the shelves in the UK in the next co...
Read full storyNormality Is Identified As The Most Damaging Handicap
It has been officially declared that normality is the most common handicap in the world with nine times as many people with it than those without. It is also causes the most devastation affecting the lives of millions of people indirectly since the consequences of being normal when put to wrong use such as abusing power, bullying, selfishness, etc. are more damaging to society in total than the da...
Read full storyTwo Million Bob Cratchetts and a Sea of Tiny Tims By Christmas!
British economic pundits predict that the Ebenezer Scrooges of the UK business world will create two million Bob Cratchetts and a comparable number of Tiny Tims by Christmas. But an eleventh hour conversion and a last minute Christmas goose will n...
Read full story10 Absolute truths of the 2008 Presidential race!
1. Barack Obama is DEFINITELY 100% Muslim. 1. Bristol Palin is ABSOLUTELY the mother of her brother Trig. 2. John McCain is a Manchurian candidate. 2. Barack Obama is a front man for Black militant terrorists. 3. Michelle Obama is an angry black woman dying to be First Lady so she can destroy America. 3. Cindy McCain is actually a Stepford wife. 4. Sara...
Read full storyParalympics To Be As Big As Olympics - But More Scary!
After the sensational spectacle of the Beijing Olympic Games, now comes the Paralympics on Saturday, and the organisers are saying they expect them to be every bit as good as the main Games, and a damned sight more uncomfortable for those who are a b...
Read full storyUK population to be frozen down
In a shock announcement this morning, Prime Minister Gordon Brown has announced plans to put the population of the UK into suspended animation for the next 5 years. In a press conference at 10 Downing street this morning the Prime Minister announc...
Read full storyHollywood Celebrates 25 Years of Cruise
Hollywood celebrates twenty-seven years of Tom Cruise's career by re-releasing his entire twenty-five years of block-buster movies as enhanced directors' cuts with Cruise digitally removed from all scenes. 'This represents a new standard in the C...
Read full storyMonopolies Commission not happy with John McCain
John McCain, the USA Presidential hopeful, has now got himself into trouble with the UK Monopolies Commission, the organisation that monitors monopolistic practices throughout the country. The chairman of the Potato Growers Association in the UK,...
Read full storyRNC Slogan, Desperation First! Welcome to Sodom and Gomorrah!
The Republican National Convention put its most desperate foot forward into its mouth in the Twin Cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. For a Christian conservative based party, there were more wife abandoners on board than a booze cruise around Sin City, Ma...
Read full storyPalin's Four Month Old Daughter, Fathered By McCain Gives Speech of Her Lifetime at RNC
Without saying a word, Sarah Palin's 4 month old daughter kept up till midnight communicated volumes to the million or two half watching the Republican National Convention. Viewers rapidly turned channels as polygamist Big City Rudy Giuliani trie...
Read full storyOne Black couple at RNC Collapse from Media Fatigue!
A new ailment in a world of pain has reared its ugly face in the twin cities of St Paul and, er, the other one. The unlikely victims of the latest scourge of humanity is being called "Media fatigue" or MF. The victims diagnosed with the disease w...
Read full storyPalin's Hubbie Invented the Snowcone Machine!
RNC cheerleaders celebrated the fact that the Repub Candie VPilf's husband was the original inventor of the classic children's toy: The Snowcone machine! Mr Palin on the verge of becoming the second lady was thrust into the national spotlight ini...
Read full storyLieberman: McCain Knows When To Make A Disastrous Vice Presidential Choice
Amid party concern that John McCain's sputtering campaign had lost all chance of triumphing in November by his selection of former beauty queen, Alaskan governor and 'Troopergate' star Sarah Palin, Senator Joe Lieberman (I-CT), who caucuses with the...
Read full storyPalin Children Trigger and Bullet Create Happy Trails for RNC Cult Members!
More Republican delegates in the Twin cities RNC remembered Roy Rogers and Dale Evans as the greatest American first couple than knew the name of the last Republican in the White House. That is probably the reason why the seriously white and seni...
Read full storyGuliani warns RNC Against "European Ideas" like Rousseau's Individualism and Montesquieu's Democracy!!
Rudy Giuliani who seems to have temporarily retired from his role as PR man for 9-11 after raking in millions has recently turned to the Real estate business where he is busy selling America to strong dollar countries first! But just for one nigh...
Read full storyHurricane Gustav Fails To Deliver Hurricane Season To Global Stage
High anticipation turns to bitterness as much-hyped Hurricane Gustav crawls ashore New Orleans an anemic category 3, leading many to write off this year's hurricane season. "All of us in the sporting world had high anticipation for Gustav," said R...
Read full storyUSA Ryder Cup captain picks Monty as wildcard
In a shock twist today, USA Ryder Cup Captain Paul Azinger picked Colin Montgomerie as a wild card for the USA team, after J.B Holmes pulled out because of toothache. Following his omission from the European wild card picks, Azinger revealed that...
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