London - Mayor Boris Johnson is outraged at the increase in spork stabbings in London. "Spork stabbings are now up to one or two a day. While most incidents have resulted in multiple skin indentations it is only a matter of time before one of these attacks breaks the skin and causes a pinprick or flesh wound."
Walking into a press conference waving a flag replica of the Bayeaux Tapestry like a happy child Johnson announced, "Britain has a proud spork history, it was invented by Edward the Confessor and used as a weapon by King Harold II at the battle of Hastings by the Spork Auxillary, which continues to celebrate its history to this day. While greatly ineffective as a weapon and possibly contributing to the victory of Duke William of Normandy it eventually found its place as a universal utensil for eating fast food worldwide. It dismays me that this proud English invention is now being used again as a weapon on our streets and in our neighborhoods."
The most recent incident involved a Canadian tourist, Gerald Metcalf at Camden Market. A teenage man dressed in jeans and trainers seized the spork being used by the tourist to eat a bit of curry and stabbed Mr. Metcalf in the right buttock causing him to exclaim "excuse me?"
Mr. Metcalf attempted to apologize to the assailant as he ran off and said "it was probably my fault for being negligent."
He promises to be more careful in the future
