Maverick McCain Lipsmacks Elephantine Evangelical A-Hole!
Arizona POW Senator John McCain has always prided himself on being the lonely westerner gun slinger who stood up alone to the forces of evil. Besides a stuffed hamster, Mccain keeps a 16mm print of Gary Cooper's High Noon on an old movie projector in...Read full story
Pro- Choice, Anti-Gun Women Flock to Weapon- Happy and No Choice Sarah Palin Because She has a Vajayjay!
The Mccain wager has payed off! American women have no real allegiance to thought or ideals. All they want is a candidate with a cunt and Sarah Palin has become their gal! Hillary had the inside track for awhile and that made US lady voters appea...Read full story
Dan Qualyle Pronounces Sarah Palin a Hot Potato!
Elder Bush failed speller and VP candie, Dan Quayle known by all to be no Jack Kennedy has declared McCain's vice a real hot potato. Old man Bush finds the proclamation ironic since he chose Quayle because of his purported attractiveness to women...Read full story
Gustav Flies Up Mississippi to St Paul! God Hates McCain! Or Does She?
The Republican Convention has been completely derailed by hurricane Obama, er, I mean, Gustav! If there was any doubt where divine favor lay after the miraculously flawless Democratic convention in Denver, that debate is now over. As Republican d...Read full story
London's Mayor Stinks - Official!
The elected "King of London", Lord Mayor Boris Johnson was today taken to one side by friend, foe and rival David Cameron. Cameron embarrassingly had the task of telling the porker that he smells, well, stinks actually! Cameron held a clutch of...Read full story
Top Gear in Live World Tour
Popular petrol-heads, Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May, have decided to waste more TV licence-payer's money by doing a 'live' world tour. The trio have been compared to Compo, Foggy and Clegg of 'Last of the Summer Wine' fame. The t...Read full story
Sarah Palin's Daughter Bristol Pregnant With John McCain's Baby
Delegates arriving at the Republican convention in St Paul were rocked on their heels today, when the news broke that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin's 17-year-old daughter, Bristol, is pregnant, and unmarried as well! There were gasps as the word was...Read full story
Emma Watson snubbed completely by Gary Glitter
In a shock confrontation early today, the Harry Potter co-star, Emma Watson, was totally snubbed by former pop star Gary Glitter. Emma, whose mum and dad used to disco dance to Glitter classics such as "Hello Hello I'm Back Again", "I'm the Leader...Read full story
Top El Qaeda Leader Obama Biden in US
Washington - A painstaking worldwide information dragnet by the CIA and FBI has concluded that key El Qaeda leader, Obama Biden, is actively operating in the US planning to openly take over the government by legal means. Security has been doubled at...Read full story
Man City New Owners To Bring In Arab Players
New Manchester City owners Abu Dhabi United Group have tonight released a Press statement which sets out their future vision for the club, including Champions League ambitions, the banning of alcohol at Eastlands, and several new players from Arabia.Read full story
Hurricane Gustav loses hype as it hits land
TV news stations across the US have been left devastated by the effects of Hurricane Gustav as it singularly failed to destroy New Orleans. "We are gutted" said Fox 'journalist' Adolf McCane "We had cameras focusing on the levees, we had helicopte...Read full story
3 Men Arrested For Not Being Terrorists In Terrorist Alert
Today, in Blackburn, Lancashire, 3 men were charged with not being terrorists by police, and all 3 are due to appear in court nowhere near to where they were arrested. Charges against the 3 include saying PM Gordon Brown is 'a slimy fat lying gitt',...Read full story
My local newspapper has some weird ad's in it!
Here's some of the classifieds which caught my eye: Signed Beatles 'love me do' record - original pressing, perfect condition, signed by all the Beatles - not for sale. U2 car for sale - Car formally owned by the 'U2' front man Bonno .make and model unknown. £32,000 or closest offer. Radioactive fission for sale - suitable for weaponry, must be stored within at least six inches of lead,...Read full story
My message board atracts some weirdos
Some of the best comments from online message boards Instead of putting ill animals down cant we release loads of them on to unexploded mine fields and save the lives of soldiers? Graham - age 8 in Kent I just HAVE to share this. I recently went on holiday to Scotland and didn't pack a coat because the weather looked nice. It rained the entire two weeks we were there! Good job a packed...Read full story
Some Amusing Trivia
Once Tito Jackson fell over and all the other Jacksons laughed. Philip from the pop band 'Steps' enjoyed the film 'all dogs go to heaven', but he did think that the concept of talking dogs is too far into the realms of fantasy to make the film 'five-star'. Chris Tarrant once described the queen with explicit language live on air! Thankfully it was never broadcast. In his pre-millionaire d...Read full story
Television is getting weird these days 8:00 Scooby Doo - The team investigate an apparent suicide that just doesn't add up. 8:30 Scooby Doo - Fred seems to think there is a connection between two workers from the same factory being murdered with an eight year difference, is there a connection? 9:00 Morning talk - chat show hosted by James bonds son, jersey bond. Today Sir Kill-a-lot from...Read full story
Jade Goody Proves She's 'not fick'
Jade Goody, reportedly feeling stronger than ever despite her recent cancer diagnosis, reveals to us her plans to write a new book. "I'm not fick. People are always accusing me of being illegitimate - I can read and write perfeckly, thankyou! I...Read full story
Man Utd And Man City Fans Fighting In The Streets Over Berbatov
Greater Manchester Police have declared a State of Emergency in the city centre tonight, after fighting that broke out between rival Manchester United and Manchester City fans escalated into a full scale riot. The trouble started at a news stand n...Read full story
Republican Platform Calls for Fetal Right to Vote
In a brilliant political maneuver, the GOP has found a clever way to empower one of their largest constituencies and gain more votes. Fetuses prefer the Party of No Choice 10 to 1. Ultra-sound studies from the labs of mad scientist Dr James Dobso...Read full story
Media apologize for Jade Goody slander
Journalists from a national newspaper have today issued a public apology to Big Brother celebrity Jade Goody. The reality TV star, who was recently diagnosed with life-threatening cervical cancer, has been on the receiving end of constant abuse f...Read full story
Foreigners Buying Man' City FC
Manchester Shitty Football Club owner Foreskin Shitawaterat has agreed to sell the club to a Middle Eastern camel trading company for what sports business analysts are calling "lots and lots of fucking money." Shitawaterat today signed a memorandu...Read full story
A Divorce World Record Attempt
An 84 year-old religious leader has an unusual hobby. Over the past 70 years he has been collecting wives. He is proud of his massive collection of 86 wives and 172 Mothers-in-law- some of whom, he has maintained for more than 30 years. However af...Read full story
Google browser 'Chrome' to have two privacy modes
Silicon Valley giant Google has announced that it will shortly be unveiling an Open Source browser currently called 'Chrome'. One of the new key features is it's two privacy modes 'American' and 'Actual'. Google spokesman Larry page said 'With thi...Read full story
Berbatov Signs For Man City
Dimitar Berbatov, the Tottenham striker, who had been expected to sign for Manchester United, has been snapped from under their very noses, by their neighbours, Manchester City! City boss Mark Hughes said that owner Thaksin Shinawatra told him thi...Read full story
Fatty Two Jags trades in for Beetle convertible
John Prescott aka Fatty Two Jags has emptied his garage of executive saloons in favour of an entirely new style of car: a yellow Beetle convertible. Tom Foolery, sales manager at Doncaster's VW garage, watched with shock and ore as the portly politi...Read full story
Blue Peter dog's death inspired Godfather equine scene
London - (Shaggy Dog Mess): The former editor of BBC children's TV program Blue Peter has written a book that smashes the mythology of the show's canine star Petra and claims the Alsatian was the true inspiration behind the equine head scene in Oscar...Read full story
Abu Dhabi admit cock up - "We thought we were buying the City of Manchester"
Abu Dhabi - Sulaiman al-Fahim, the tycoon who bought football club Manchester City football club from former That Prime Minister, Thaksin Shinawatra, admitted today that he had made a monumental cock-up. "We thought we were buying the 'City of Man...Read full story
New Orleans UFO caused Katrina, Gustav says Pentagon hacker McKinnon
New Orleans - (X-Files Mess): Pentagon hacker Gary McKinnon says he has conclusive evidence that the Pentagon covered up rogue UFO activity which caused Hurricanes Katrina and Gustav. In a lawyers' statement issued today McKinnon said four out-of-...Read full story
New "Pay-as-you-Go" airline launched
A new "Pay-as-you-go" airline service was launched today at Humberside International Airport. An offshoot of Irish airline RyanAir, the new service takes fare pricing to a new low, while at the same time maintaining its sister airline's equally lo...Read full story
The Wrong Palin
Senator John McCain has admitted that he has hired the wrong Palin to be his running mate. A top secret memo, leaked by Coldpost.com shows that the man who would be President wanted Micheal Palin, of Monty Python fame, rather than Sarah Palin (no...Read full story
So she's his daughter?
Juneau-Her, Al-Ask-Her - (Raving Bonkers Mess): John McCain met his running mate's mother just once. Anchorage forensic genealogical sources reckon they have matched Sarah Palin's DNA to Hillary Clinton. "It was just a drunken, seedy one night...Read full story
Larger sized clothing banned in fight against obesity
Clothing manufacturers have been told to reduce waistband sizes of all clothes produced in a bid to solve the obesity epidemic gripping the UK. The new regulations coming into effect on 1st January 2009 mean that trousers, skirts and such like wil...Read full story
Scribblers Cash in on Da Vinci Code 2
A deluge of Da Vinci Code 2 money-grasping spin-offs is due to hit the bookshops prior to this month's release of the movie adaptation of Dan Brown's latest bestseller, once again starring Tom Wanks. The most controversial, written by Lancashire w...Read full story
John McCain and Sarah Palin Treated for Sex Addiction
WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) - John McCain and Sarah Palin have been admitted to a clinic for the treatment of their sex addiction. "They haven't been able to keep their hands off each other since he named her his running mate," said an anonymous senio...Read full story
DIY Chain Land NASA Contract
DIY chain B&Q has been handed a contract believed to be worth $3.5bn to supply around 100 pots of their own brand tile grouting following problems with space shuttle insulation coming away on take-off. The next scheduled scheduled flight was t...Read full story
Sarah Palin picked as USA president's running mate because of family connections
Presidential hopeful John McCain has picked Sarah Palin because of her British family connections. In a statement issued today, the office of John McCain said: "We felt Sarah Palin's relationship with a brother who has direct access to an impor...Read full story
A new edition of the Bible, which is said to contain references to modern life, rather than talk of coverting Oxen has been lost on a Laptop on the way to Rhyll. Macmillan, the publisher who are behind the new edition of the best selling book of a...Read full story
Shrooms Ground Flyin' Air
Airlines have been brought down to earth by everything fro bad weather to mechanical malfunctions but a recent grounding of a Flyin' Air flight may have been a first for any airline in the world. Flying from Budapest to Dublin, the flight requi...Read full story
Mafioso "Capo" Capello Fingers Jimmy "Bullocks" Bullard for England!
Breaking from his strict traditional approach to football, Capo Capello named Jimmy "Bullocks" Bullard to England football squad. Rejecting still wounded soldier Owen down with a case of the "mumps", Capello went with the surprise choice. Bullar...Read full story
Home Secretary Jaqui Kennedy Onassis Smith Warns Brown about Downturn!
Britons were struck incredulous when they discovered that Home Secretary Smith was the widow of JFK and Aristotle Onassis. More shock came from a leaked document from the Secretary that warned PM Brown about the impending cataclysm facing the UK fro...Read full story
US Drug Demand Makes Life in Mexico Poor and Tired
The insatiable desire for drugs among the citizens of the land of the free and the brave has turned life in family centered and culturally rich Mexico into a catastrophe of drug war assassinations and kidnappings. Peace loving and fiercely moral M...Read full story
Palin Tells Fish and Wildlife: "Polar Bears aren't endangered, they're just whiners!"
Sarah Palin, Governor of a lot of land, animals and less than 1 million people testified before the Fish and Wildlife division of the Department of the Interior that despite numerous reports from highly qualified wildlife researchers, she believes th...Read full story
Hitler Worked as Veterinarian in Pennsylvania
Meckleburg PA - Hitler's alleged suicide in WWII has been challenged by recent evidence that he lived until 2002 in the small village of Meckleburg as a practicing veterinarian. Villagers say he openly practiced his craft after mysteriously arriving...Read full story