The Dept. Of Treasury To Give 2 Million To "Everyone"
Today in a bold effort to prove that the United States can live on nothing but printing money, The department of Treasury announced an ambitious program to give 2 million dollars to every single American. Secretary Paulson had this to say about...
Read full storyDismay as Dagenham Dog Detonates
Pressure was mounting yesterday to review the dog warden service following a Dagenham detonating dog incident. The destructor chip, implanted in all dogs since 2003, malfunctioned, causing two Ipod listening youths to be deluged in dead dog debris.
Read full storyRobert Kilroy-Silk Voted Off 'I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here' By Jealous Fellow MEPs
Robert Kilroy-Silk, the former TV presenter and modern-day Member of the European Parliament (MEP), has become the first contestant to be voted out of the ITV jungle show Im A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. The MEP is thought to have been the vict...
Read full storyMonsieur Gaudet from Valerie Martin's book 'Property' resurrected from the dead
The nineteenth century slave owner and sexual sadist, Monsieur Gaudet, has been brought back to life using modern technology. This is his story! 'Kinky slave master brought back from dead. He is not a 'zombie' say scientists. This is a bonafide ex...
Read full storyHouses of Parliament Blacked Out
The Prime Minister Gordon Brown was caught in an uncompromising position today after a power cut left the houses of Parliament in darkness. Gordon Brown had just left for a "comfort break" when the lights went out. A spokesman said "Gordon is...
Read full storyFrom Sesame Street to Wall Street
President-elect Barack Obama has named the new financial adviser who will help him when he becomes president. It is a controversial choice: The Count from Sesame Street. Count von Count has no experience in managing an economy, although he is a nu...
Read full storyMy Crisps Hell - Lineker Comes Clean
BBC anchorman and former darling of England and Leicester City, Gary Lineker, is today facing up to his biggest challenge yet. Bigger even than when he used to be shit at presenting and it looked as if he wouldn't last 2 minutes at the Beeb. In th...
Read full storyStrictly Come Dancing Judge Arlene Phillips To Be Axed For Being Hideously Ugly
Arlene Phillips, the Strictly Come Dancing judgess, is at the centre of a new controversy tonight, after it was revealed she has been suspended from the show whilst an investigation into her ugliness has been carried out. Arlene, a Manchester Quee...
Read full storyPaul O'Grady's Sordid Past Laid Bare
Teatime TV presenter Paul O'Grady has a sordid past which he wouldn't want his current audience of OAP's and middle aged housewives to know about. Thanks to a technological breakthrough by our Japanese cousins, we are able to successfully translat...
Read full storyHannah Montana Records Played Backwards Reveal Secret Satanic Mystery Message
A toddler in New Mexico broke her Hannah Montana CD player and uncovered a dark secret hidden within the teen star's recordings: they include satanic rites. Some of the recordings include evil cryptic messages such as "I'll fuck your toy cat" or "...
Read full storyBritney Spears Vagina To Tour UK
US singer Britney Spears-Vagina is to play two concerts at the O2 arena in London next June, in the only European shows on her forthcoming world tour, it's been announced. The tour has been set up to promote the artist's new album, The Circus, whi...
Read full storyLesbian Polar Bears?
HOKKAIDO, Japan - Zookeepers at The Kushiro Municipal Zoo in Hokkaido, Japan were puzzled as to why a polar bear couple would not mate. Zoo officials said, "We just did not know why it was, but the chemistry in the romance department was just not...
Read full storyThanksgiving Day UFO mothership omen over Buckingham Palace
London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): The Puppet Monarch had a major psychotic episode again today, ranting to her official Queen's Busy Body of the Ye Omen of the Guard about 'a vile UFO' that was 'sending her telepathetic (sic) death threats' through...
Read full storyVAT To Be Charged On Value Added Tax
Beleaguered UK businesses groaned this morning, when the Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair, Darling announced that, from 1st January 2009, VAT is to be charged on Value Added Tax. Mr Darling told ministers on Tuesday, that the government would...
Read full storyBBC Licence Payers directing UK Charities to Jonathan Ross
In a shocking turn of fate, UK citizens are refusing to give to charity and directing charities to Jonathan Ross. Arthur Everyman said " I have to pay £185 to the BBC each year, which I would prefer to piss up the wall or give to charity. But can...
Read full storyBNP Promise Money For Nothing And Chicks For Free
Burnley, Lancs - BNP leader Nack Guffin made a controversial speech tonight at Plumb Street Miners Club during which he criticised the whole world for it's response to the global financial crisis. Guffin said that world leaders response to the cri...
Read full storyChurchill The 'OOOH YESSSS!' Ad Dog Stalling Over New Contract
Churchill, the most popular dog in Britain, noted for his 'OOOH YESSSS!' catchphrase is locked in a bitter contractual dispute with his employers. Insiders say that Churchill has had his head turned by offers from rival insurance companies in Spai...
Read full storyBritney Spears UK tour dates announced
London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Tickets for the UK leg of the Britney Spears World Comeback Tour go on sale next week kicking off with a June 3rd 2009 charity gig at Finsbury Park's fabled Rainbow Theatre. The venue previously hosted rock lege...
Read full storyWhat's good for the Goose
It appears that football, along with the rest of UK society, is following our cousins from across the Atlantic and turning to the dreaded 'compensation culture' to sort out all differences, problems and litigations. Just earlier this year, Liverp...
Read full storyWelsh Assembly Criminalises Sheep Jokes
Cardiff - The Welsh Assembly here in Cardiff have voted unanimously to outlaw sheep jokes. Welsh people and sheep combined with various humurous interpretations have long been a staple of amateur comedians, particularly ones in factories or offices,...
Read full storyChurch Of England Draws The Line At Fetish Vicars
The Church Of England, one of the most liberal-progressive religious institutions in the world has finally had enough. 'We've been lobbied to give our blessing to these so called 'fetish vicars' but we find this unacceptable,' said the Archbishop...
Read full storyIowa Woman claims Boyfriend solved Worlds Energy Crisis from his farts
Francesca Delaney, an Iowa woman who has had more than her share of fame recently, has now claimed her boyfriend, Zeb Johanson, has solved the world energy crisis. Apparently Mr. Johanson captures his self produced methane, (i.e. farts) and pumps it...
Read full storyGuns N' Roses to tour China
The Chinese government in an unexpected gesture of appreciation has invited north American rockers, Guns N' Roses to tour China. "We feel fortunate Guns N' Roses has featured us on their new album," said a Chinese official for the ruling Communis...
Read full storyJoe the Plumber to Declare Bankruptcy
Holland Ohio, November 26, 2008: In order to stave off having to declare bankruptcy "Joe the Plumber" is applying to become a bank. The new business is to be called Joes Plumbing, Heating (JPH) Bank Inc. When his petition to become JPH Bank Inc is...
Read full storyJoe Calzaghe Knocks Queen Out
The undefeated world champion light-heavyweight boxer Joe Calzaghe has been arrested by Palace guards, after a ceremony in which he was to receive his CBE from the Queen went dreadfully awry. Calzaghe from Newbridge, South Wales, was to be recogni...
Read full storyLow test scores blamed on chicken trucks
This year's epidemic of low test scores has an unusual culprit. Since the end-of-grade scores from tests taken in the spring were made public last week, authorities have been searching for an explanation as to why children in the south scored so low.
Read full storyOne is Not Amused - Russians Bugged Queen's Teapot
Balimmoral, Scotland - "At any rate I'll never go there again!" said Alice as she picked her way through the wood after attending the Mad Hatter's Tea Party. "It's the stupidest tea-party I ever was at in all my life!" Little did Alice know that the...
Read full storyBrenda Song nude pics for Joe Jonas!
In a dream I had last night, teen queen, Brenda Song took nude pictures of herself for Teen heartthrob/womanizer and ex boyfriend Joe Jonas. Jonas 19, now dating cougar Camilla Belle, has not denied that the nude pictures are for him. Song, 20, w...
Read full storyWayne Rooney Apologises For Using Cristiano Ronaldo's Boots
Wayne Rooney, the Manchester United and England star at the centre of 'Diving' allegations in last night's Champions League match with Villarreal, has apologised for the dive, giving the excuse that he mistakenly wore a pair of boots belonging to his...
Read full storyHow to seduce Kenyan girl in Chinese
In my teaching days, the deputy headmaster, a certified drunk, was once invited to mark that year's national secondary school commerce exam at a school near State House. The old man loved his drink, chang'aa to be exact, which he quaffed first thing in the morning and topped up every now and then as the day progressed. He derisively dismissed bottled beer as water. Upon his return, we all en...
Read full storyNew Bond Movie Quantum of Bollocks
London - Those planning on seeing the new Bond movie Quantum of Solace need not bother. Quantum of Solace is Bollocks front to start. Not like the old Bond classics that kept you on the edge of your seat gripping popcorn, my word. Craig's a bit short and too blond for my liking as well. No Connery or Moore in my books he is. Action it has, loads and heaps of mayhem from the start, good fodd...
Read full storyAspartame Fanatic Eats Out of the Box
LONDON - A refreshing story comes our way today from London where Wyden Spacey has achieved a bit of fame in these parts for eating aspartame right out of the box. TheSpoof obtained this exclusive interview with Wyden. "Wyden, so, you drink diet sodas then?" "No, I don't eat food sweetened with aspartame, I eat it right out of the box. I have about 1/2 a box for breakfast and one box fo...
Read full storyMoonie Together
Japan - It's not just couples that are getting together this Fucksgiving week. The three brightest objects in the night sky - Anus, Penis and a crescent moonie - will crowd around each other for an unusual group shag. Starting Fucksgiving evening,...
Read full storyVAT Found Rummaging Berkshire on Hophead
UK'ers have been ferociously debating the VAT though the creature has never been captured or even seen by modren man. Reports of the beastie have surfaced across the United Kingdom though descriptions vary widely. At times it is described as a griffe...
Read full storyEllen, Rosie, & Melissa Are Buying The State of Montana
HOLLYWOOD, California - Talk show host Ellen DeGeneres is still reeling from the fact that Proposition 8, banning gay marriages in California won. But DeGeneres has talked to her attorney Rigatoni 'Tony' Carducci, and it looks like she may have an...
Read full storyUK'ers Ask What's the Vat? Darling Says: "Let's Raise Her!"
United Kingdomers are divided over Alstair Darling's secret and now denied plan to raise the VAT. Since almost no one in the British Isles has any idea what a VAT is nevermind what a raise in the VAT might mean, the civil war over the possibly non ex...
Read full storyKinkies Outsell Slinkies While Inventor Rattles and Slides Between Life and Death
Anyone who has witnessed the metallic hissing and slow motion sliding of the original slinky on a staircase, has some idea how Slinkie namer Snogden Snash must feel while in the throws of death and life. Anyone who has sought the ultimate sex to...
Read full storyTransvestite Take over hotel
BANGCOCK, Thailand - Thousands of transvestites occupied Thailand's international Hotels Wednesday, halting all all blow jobs to the country's already-fragile sex industry as they pressed their demand for a free sex change. The Hotel takeover was...
Read full storyLassies, Rin Tin Tins and Benjis Became Fur Coats
The Humane Society of the United States filed a lawsuit against the six top fur coat manufacturers and their designers this week. The HSUS alleges that fur coat makers and their designers have falsely advertised the materials that have made their fur...
Read full storyMassive Joints
WASHINGTON - Rolling a joint to smoke against the financial meltdown, the Bush administration pledged $80 dollars a quarter Tuesday to help smoke us through these heavy times. In Chicago, meanwhile, President-elect Barack Obama named his smoking b...
Read full storyJoe Six-Pack Uses Jet Pack on Long Distance Beer Run
The Jetsons have arrived in 2008 as Joe Six-Pack the inveterate drunk who supported Sarah Palin with his beer goggles on, donned the high tech Jet Pack and made a beer run across the Grand Canyon. J6P, while on a "hunting trip" in the Canyon ar...
Read full storyObama Recommends the Stimulator that He Uses on Michelle: Her Economy Revives Every Time
The world is in search of the stimulus that will get the response that everyone needs and hopes for so so much. Bush reached into his shallow bag of tricks and so far , as usual, has got nothin'!! And so the change man , BH Obama has step into...
Read full storyGay Divers find remains of space ship
Bargaydos - Gay divers have found the remains of a space ship wrecked off the felching Islands in 1841, an accident that set free the crew of many current residents of those islands. Some 292 crew members including several gays survived the sinking o...
Read full storyErnie Merely a "Puppet", Alleges Bert
Estranged former roommates Bert and Ernie were at it again last week, with Bert leveling charges that Ernie was nothing more than a puppet of upper-level management. "He had his nose shoved so far up various peoples' asses..." Bert trailed on. "O...
Read full storyJimmy Carter to Mediate Jesus Budda and BuckwheatsButt Talks
Atlanta - President Jimmy Carter plans to wade in on the ongoing feud between prolific Republican speech writers Jesus Budda and BuckwheatsButt. Well known for his experience bringing different factions such as Arabs and Jews around the table to d...
Read full storyScientists discover new brain food, Cheetos
Scientists have discovered a new brain food, Cheetos. Researchers were tipped off after President Bill Clinton's former Treasury secretary, Lawrence Summers admitted to wolfing down Cheetos by the bag full. "Our hope is that this study will lead...
Read full storyPunctuation to be scrapped 'cause no one has a bloody clue how to use it any more
The apostrophe is to be scrapped and all punctuation in fact after a survey showed that the entire country had no bloody clue how to use it (or even gave a shit). The decision comes after a survey found last week that Britons would rather watch St...
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