Johnny McC Wants Strict Constructionist Judges
In a new musical comedy, hoping to open in early 2009, called: "Johnny McC Wants Strict Constructionist Judges" playwright and Republican speech-writer illusionist, Soe Wonsided presents the aged yet Presidential (if that means Early Alzhei...
Read full storySenior Surfer Snagged in Sex Sting
(Philadelphia PA) Winifred (Freddie) Kewl is 86 years old and was shocked to find herself being arrested for prostitution yesterday. The elderly lady was booked for hiring a female prostitute through their website 'Desperate Housewife'. She i...
Read full storyIsrael's Arrogant Arabs Want Equality!
Muhammed Saddiq has a family farm that dates back to an ancestor from the first millennium. He and his family live in the crowded corners of a Palestinian slum.
Read full storyPutin's Puppet Proceeds to Presidency!
Many world leaders have managed to retain control even after their term in office is over. None however have been as brazen a serpent as Vlad "The Impaler" Putin. Russia's Tsar Vlad has actually installed a marionette in his throne.The...
Read full storyLaura Pickles Bush Interview
In a recent interview, Mrs. George W. Bush admitted that she routinely carries out her duties as First Lady in a disheveled, filthy state.
Read full storyBush Announces Plan to Pay Off US Debt
American President George W. Bush today announced what he calls a "Comprehensive Plan" to pay off the nine trillion dollar US debt. Mr. Bush's plan relies on key funding in the amount of 9 trillion dollars which he says is being provided by a weal...
Read full storySupremes Stick the Execution Needle in; While States Release Wrongly Convicted
While the US Supreme Court, led by appointees of Compassionate Christian Pro-Life Bush, has set free an express line of lethal injections for US deathrow inmates, Levon Jones has joined two of his other North Carolina sentenced to death prisoners. Al...
Read full storyTraffic Cameras Too Expensive Let Peeping Ted Do It
Expert economics professor Elmereesha Eelsniffer at Stanford University in California just finished a study. So says a flying chimp that nearly broke the windshield of my car on the way into OZ today. The study was an economical feasibility study to...
Read full storyEurovision Song Contest result announced ahead of event
The result of this years Eurovision Song Contest has been announced ahead of the competition being held, with the winning song from France gaining the highest number of 12 point votes.
Read full storyMyanmar cyclone causes 100,000 fewer Burmese, world grateful
Bodies floated in flood waters and survivors tried to reach dry ground on boats using blankets as sails, while the top U.S. diplomat in Myanmar said Wednesday that 100,000 fewer Burmese may exist in the wake of the devastating cyclone.
Read full storyBootleg American Idol CDs a Hot Item in Iraq
During lulls in the fighting between the American Troops and whoever it is that President Bush has decided they are fighting this week, one of the hottest items on the Iraqi black market is bootleg CD's of the show "American Idol".
Read full storyObama Reveals Secret To His Constant Head Hair Length. What Hair?
What's a human head called that has what appears to be fuzz or mold growth all over it? Getting more specific, what is on top of Barack Obamas's scalp? Is it really hair? If not, what is it?...
Read full storyHarvard Genetics Team Simply Can't Identify Gene For Failure
Cambridge, Mass.- Scientists from Harvard's top team of geneticists have announced the end of a fifteen year, multi-billion project aimed at isolating the gene responsible for failure.
Read full storyNigella Lawson publishes sexual cookbook
Curvaceous culinary vixen, Nigella Lawson, has launched a new revolutionary cook book - the Kitchen Kama Sutra - where she combines new recipes with adventurous sexual positions.
Read full storyHillary Clinton concedes campaign dramatically
Hillary Clinton stunned democratic supporters by announcing her withdrawal from the nomination race in a foul mouthed, drunken tirade.
Read full storyOver-used "You nailed it" TV talent show statement has biblical roots
"You nailed it" - a statement so beloved and so overused by all judges of television talent contests from "Britain's Got Talent" to various Andrew Lloyds Bank productions, was today explained at a pre...
Read full storyBush Offers Advice To Dem. Hopefuls
Washington, DC - President Bush made a rare across-the-aisle gesture to the Democratic hopefuls Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton via conference call, offering advice on campaigning, and the duties of the President.Many details of the call are not ava...
Read full storyMariah's Bliss Over Quickly
We'reAHellOfALotBetterThanYou Hills, CA.- In an all-too expected announcement, Nick Cannon has filed for divorce from new nanny - Ahem, sorry! - wife, Mariah Carey.
Read full storyCristaino Admits Fear Of Dickinson
After Carl Dickinson said he was looking forward to playing against Cristiano Ronaldo, Ronaldo admitted he is scared for next season, saying Dickinson is the person that could stop Manchester United winning the title.
Read full storyMan With Window-Rattling Car Stereo Cooler Than Everyone Else
Pleasant Grove, UT - Officials here announced today that a man whose car stereo rattled the glass on houses is cooler than everybody else, and that we should all notice him and say, "Wow! He's so cool!" Michael Phillips, the coolest guy in the wor...
Read full storyNot Famous Man Gets Moment Of Celebrity
Hungarian Vladko Kafka, 43, is celebrating a rare moment of fame in his usually dull and un-eventful life.
Read full storyGrandpa Ganja On Crime in the Streets
The crime stats are rising again in America. We've replaced prosperity with layoffs and falling stock markets and the newly unemployed crooks are reverting to their nefarious ways. We're engaged in a war against crime to add to all our other wars and this one isn't going too well, either. As a result, we're developing a loser's mentality. Take the war on drugs, for example. The politicos claim...
Read full storyBritney Spears and Miley Cyrus Only People In Whole Wide World With Problems
NEW YORK - Doctors revealed news today that set the psychology field on its head, stating that there was a new disease striking pop stars. They are calling this disease "Problems."...
Read full storyMasochists going soft
With lined handcuffs such as these now available at various Bondage, Domination, Sadism & Masochism retail outlets, it is clear that a new generation of very soft masochists are coming of age.
Read full storyWills & Harry Shitty Salute Tanks to Parade Past Ludgate Circus Hitler Memorial
Shitty of London - (Ass Mess): Wednesday evening's military tattoo in the City of London will feature a parade of tanks and armored vehicles escorted by the Pretender's heirs-of-the-dog Wills and harry.
Read full story1 Million School Children Missing
The entire Bush Mob and staff left town today and began gathering up all the children in the United States.
Read full storyNazi S&M orgy fiend Max Mosley went on three-legged Vienna brothel crawl with incest nutter Fritzl
Vienna, Austria - (Nazi Ass Mess): Austria's Ministry of Justice (sic) has confirmed that Nazi S&M orgy fanatic Max Mosley recently went on a three-legged Viennese brothel crawl with Amstetten incest nutter Joseph Fritzl.
Read full storyLethal Injection Declared A Party Drug In Florida
Snug Harbor, FL - Thousands of senior citizens, elderly folks, old farts, and just plain "Age-Challenged" are coming back to their nursing homes, assisted living facilities, and their houses wasted off their asses and then dying - according...
Read full storyStoke boss makes first signing
Stoke boss Tony Pulis, who successfully took Stoke City into the Premier League last Sunday, is reported to have made his first signing for next season.
Read full storyAppeal Judge's son dead in Catatonia
Italy - (Perplexing Mess): Mystery surrounds the death of the son of a prominent UK Appeal Lord who died in Sicily's Catatonia just days after police frogmarched him to rehab.
Read full storyThat joke isn't funny anymore
It has just been revealed that disgusted fans of comic Jimmy London stormed out of a show last month after he allegedly molested a young woman on stage.
Read full storyStarving People Won't Eat Dead Babies
Democratic Republic of The Congo - Children affected by war in eastern Democratic Republic of Congo face starvation, says the UN food agency.
Read full storyTrain Times
Leonard Waring from Radcliff has shown that old trains are the way to go with economic improvements to railways.
Read full storyEight Bells Trainer Denies Steroid Use
Larry Jones, trainer for Kentucky Derby runner up Eight Bells who tragically snapped both front ankles after her remarkable Churchill Downs dash, categorically denied steroid use by the fallen filly.
Read full storyResearch shows that not all Austrians are perverts
New research from ADOLF, (the Austrian Department Of Lovely Fellows) has revealed that not all Austrians are perverts.
Read full storyBlow Job Ghost Destroys Image of Shitterton, Dorset
Shitterton, Dorset, England - Shitterton is a hamlet in the village of Bere Regis in the Purbeck district of Dorset, England, between Poole and Dorchester. The village had about 1,797 Shittertoners in 2001.
Read full storyJacqui Smith Announces Stronger Cannabis Law
Jacqui Smith, the pot-smoking Home Secretary, has announced that, from today, all cannabis that is smoked in the UK must be stronger, and must meet stringent European Cannabis Strength Laws.
Read full story3 Arrested at Annual Wanker Toss at Wetwang, Yorkshire
Wetwang, Yorkshire - I'm told I come from Twatt, Orkney, Shetland Islands, Scotland so who am I to larf at stupid things in Britain. Of course I had to get out of Twatt as soon as I was about 15 and had the means to do. I joined the circus but that's another entirely different story isn't it? Or for those of you from California, "That's a whole nother story". Cringe.
Read full storyNintendo announces Wii pole dancing game
Nintendo have launched a new title for their family-friendly Wii console 'Po-Po Electro Pole Dancer Xtreme' which recreates what it is like to be a Pole Dancer.
Read full storyBritons agree: dead neighbours are the best neighbours
Half of Britons have said hello to fewer three people in their street in the last week, with the other half only mildly curious whether or not their neighbors might actually be dead, a survey for BBC Breakfast has suggested.
Read full storyTributes to 'sainted' son
The parents of a 14 year-old boy killed in an uninteresting road crash in Scotland have paid tribute to their 'unbelievably sainted and wonderful ickle' son, after he became the 3,012th British road traffic accident vicitim this year. Sitting at...
Read full storyDC Madam Was Victim Of CIA
Deborah Jean Palfrey, the US woman recently convicted for her role as the head of a Washington DC escort agency, and found dead last week, may have been a victim of the CIA, some of her charges have said.
Read full story'Dogging' Not As Popular As It Used To Be, Says Voyeur
'Dogging' is losing its popularity, and is not as practised as it was only a year ago, says an expert who regularly attends dogging events. Dogging, the act of performing sex whilst being watched by strangers, achieved notoriety in the 1990s after...
Read full storyNottingham Forest To Be Docked 10 Points To Avoid Violent Local Derbies
Nottingham Forest, newly promoted to the Championship, are to be docked 10 points by the Football Association in a surprise bid to avoid potentially violent local derbies with their fiercest rivals,...
Read full storyThe Algarve kids club that lets you drink and drink
The number of UK citizens flying to Portugal for the summer has more than doubled following the launch of a new Drink And Be Merry kids club was launched, say tourism authorities.
Read full storyScousers eat my shorts, says Boris Johnson
New London mayor Boris Johnson spent Bank Holiday Monday ringing people in Liverpool to tell them to "come and have a go if you think you're hard enough".
Read full storyCCTV cameras running out of material, say TV execs
Britain's CCTV cameras are useless, said a top TV exec who revealed that only 3% of the footage cameras record is usable for a reality TV documentary.
Read full storyFun Run For Asthmatics was "just a wheeze"
A man accused of causing the deaths of 10 asthmatics in his town said his Fun Run idea was "just a wheeze". The charity event was intended to generate publicity and funds for asthma sufferers in Acton, where pollution is particularly foul.
Read full storyIllness and shock when customer actually gets through to a Microsoft customer services staff member
Microsoft customer, Curt N Rodde was told yesterday to 'pull himself together' when he fell ill and suffered mental anguish having managed to contact a human being at Microsoft when he had a problem with his Windows XP.
Read full storyIt's a Funny Old Game
Wigan Athletic Football Club will be under close scrutiny this Sunday when they entertain leaders and favourites to win the premiership Manchester Utd at the JJB Stadium.
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Records Cover of Dad Billy Ray Cyrus' Achy Breaky Heart while Fully Clothed and Playing with a Daniel Radcliffe Toothbrush
Miley Cyrus has recorded a cover of her dad Billy Ray's smash hit tune 'Achy Breaky Heart' for a new movie while fully clothed in a recording studio in downtown Los Angles.
Read full storySeasons in the Sun
The UK Tourism Board is to officially close down in July of this year, after many years of attempting to persuade the general public that the future of 'holidaying' was in the UK with little or no success.
Read full storyIllegal Immigrants demand free HDTV's...
Nagadoches, TX - A representative for the Illegal Immigrant rights group, 'Los Locos' demanded free HDTV's be provided to each and every illegal immigrant today.
Read full storyUS South, Epicenter of America's Cardiac Clog Capital
Studies of USA health have revealed that the American south is not just the seat of hospitality, gentility but also the dietary slave to cholesterol, fatty asses and clogged arteries.
Read full storyCommodore 64 Used to Buy Google, Microsoft and Yahoo!
An antique computer genius in a bunker under the Silicone enhanced hills that gave the valley below its name managed the impossible. Using only his vestigial Commodore 64 the geek of all geeks as he is known in the world of chips and bytes leveraged...
Read full storyKuwaitis Wait for Democracy Years after Bush I War; An Iraqi Augury?
"American blood stained Kuwaiti sand sent to die by Bush I, our fighting women and men helped save the Kuwaiti monarchy while the princes and princesses of the emirate frollicked on Riviera yachts.", thus spake US War College Mideast expert...
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