CCTV cameras running out of material, say TV execs

Written by Angus McFiddle

Wednesday, 7 May 2008

Britain's CCTV cameras are useless, said a top TV exec who revealed that only 3% of the footage cameras record is usable for a reality TV documentary.

"We now have a camera on the corner of every street, and you would think we'd have no end of material for our nightly reality shows such as Street Wars, Traffic Cops, Totty Falling Over Pissed and Vandals Rule The World.

"The trouble is, only 3% of the footage we see is any good for telly. The rest has to be thrown away."

The TV companies are now holding an emergency summit to find ways to train police officers in camera techniques like white balancing, focusing and framing.

"All too often we get a good bit of video of a young thug following some tart," said the TV exec, who wished to remain nameless because he is embarrassingly called Shirley. "Then just as he is about to jump on her, the camera shakes or the focus goes, or the tape runs out."

Met Police Chief Sir Ian Blair said his force was working hard to improve the quality of the tapes that the force provides to TV channels, but "we just don't have the resources to train officers".

The Met is now running a recruitment drive at the BBC, where thousands of cameramen are about to be made redundant. "We think hiring cameramen is a brilliant idea," said Sir Ian Blair. "We'll get better footage and that will ultimately make the public see what a good job we do as a police force.

"If we can be seen to be fighting crime, then it is a lot easier to make people believe crime is actually falling."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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