Written by evan keliher

Wednesday, 7 May 2008

image for Grandpa Ganja On Crime in the Streets

The crime stats are rising again in America. We've replaced prosperity with layoffs and falling stock markets and the newly unemployed crooks are reverting to their nefarious ways. We're engaged in a war against crime to add to all our other wars and this one isn't going too well, either.

As a result, we're developing a loser's mentality. Take the war on drugs, for example. The politicos claim we're winning and every ten-year-old knows that's not true. We waged a war on poverty and you can ask any poor person how that turned out. We did win the '91 Iraqi war in good form, but this war's not over yet and so far isn't going all that well.

So, what does the above have to do with crime in the streets? Everything, that's what. Street gangs have seized most of Los Angeles. Chicago and New York and Detroit are overrun with crooks. Thugs entertain each other with drive-by shootings and muggers are so numerous they've had to resort to mugging each other because there aren't enough victims to go around.

And whose fault is it? Ours because we've put a lot of pantywaists in charge who don't have the mettle to fight these dudes with determination and grit. The situation cries out for men, tough guys who can stand up and face the thugs down and treat 'em with the scorn they deserve.

In other words, we need some muscle. For openers, I say we arm the populace. The thugs have guns, don't they? You don't see any thugs clamoring for gun control, do you? Arm the citizenry and the hoods will think twice before they strong-arm some old duffer on his way to cash his Social Security check.

We know armed citizens keep street crime down from examples in history. They didn't have these losers in Dodge City, did they? Every farmer and ranch hand was armed to the teeth and would-be muggers were gunned down by whole crowds of onlookers firing as one. Nobody read anybody his rights, muggers didn't get three or four trials and half-a-dozen appeals, the jails weren't overflowing with prisoners eating the state into bankruptcy.

Well, it can be like that again if we just put some real men in charge and tell 'em to clean up the streets once and for all.

Okay, here's my plan. We give a gun to every honest citizen who isn't certified nuts or on parole and teach him how to use it. (Actually, this will mean arming only a small portion of 'em as there aren't that many people out there who are honest, sane, and not on parole.)

Now, I'm not advocating irresponsibility here. We'll need gun clinics with trained instructors to teach people how to shoot straight and tell the difference between crooks and good guys. We'll have to come up with a scheme so people shooting crooks won't knock off every member of the state legislature over the first weekend. Of course, if we allow people to shoot crooks as a general thing we'll necessarily run out of politicians before very long anyway, but that can't be helped.

People will learn hand-to-hand fighting. We'll teach 'em how to use a knife for close-in work. They'll learn the intricacies of eye gouging, how to use the garrote and deliver crippling karate blows to the larynx. Everyone successfully completing the course will be licensed to shoot crooks on sight and turned loose on the streets of our major cities.

Imagine what follows. The old guy mentioned earlier leaves the bank after cashing his Social Security check and a gang of thugs moves in on him. But this old guy has been through our training program and he alertly spots 'em as crooks up to no good. As the thugs approach him, our old-timer whips out his 9mm. Glock automatic with the sixteen-shot magazine and cuts loose with a volley of well-aimed shots.

Passers-by see what's happening and fifteen or twenty of 'em whip out their own automatics and spray the muggers with lead. The astonished muggers are riddled with holes and drop like flies. Some of 'em shout something about their civil rights being violated and one or two demand to see a lawyer but it's too late.

The lot of 'em are carted off by the morgue squad, the old guy makes it home with his money, and the citizens nod firmly at each other and stroll off with determined looks on their mugs and a sense of satisfaction for a job well done.

Word spreads. Crooks everywhere hear the news. Politicians refuse to leave their offices. Used-car salesmen go into hiding. Crooked judges refuse to judge and the court system founders. Lawyers leave town in droves. Some street gangs resolve to fight back and they're mercilessly cut down by bigger gangs of irate citizens.

Drive-by shooters find their would-be victims firing back with enough firepower to stop the charge of the Light Brigade in its tracks. Easy marks are not to be found. Our morgues are filled with the bodies of thugs shot down on sidewalks, in parking lots and convenience stores, in backyards and on the City Hall steps. Fear grips the criminal mind everywhere. Gang members see the light and reject violence overnight. Smith and Wesson stock soars out of sight and an air or tranquility settles over the American landscape.

It can happen. All you have to do is put some real men in charge and get the hell out of their way.

©Evan Keliher

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Crime, Grandpa Ganja

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