Harvard Genetics Team Simply Can't Identify Gene For Failure

Written by Hung Liikdahorzen

Wednesday, 7 May 2008

image for Harvard Genetics Team Simply Can't Identify Gene For Failure
Reluctantly, Science proves there is a choice.

Cambridge, Mass.- Scientists from Harvard's top team of geneticists have announced the end of a fifteen year, multi-billion project aimed at isolating the gene responsible for failure.

The theoretical gene, already dubbed "H34N7ITSNOTMYFAULT", had been believed to be responsible for the lack of many Americans to make anything out of thier lives.

Evidence of a genetic cause for this syndrome had been strong among case studies in the inner-cities of Atlanta, Chicago, Detroit, Jackson, Los Angeles, New Orleans, New York, and Spokane. However, upon detailed examination of the genetic sampling from these studies and the control studies in Aspen, Belvedere, Jupiter Island, Martha's Vineyard, and Saratoga, no discrepancy could be found.

Scientists on the team declined to comment fully when reached by phone, saying only that "Well, that was a waste. Man, are the Democrats going to be pissed."

The lack of discovery will likely be a setback to the ACLU, and most entitlement programs. This research, which accidently seems to have proven the correlation between work and reward, is likely going to be challenged by any and all Insitutes of Higher Learning dependant on Federal funding.

As a side note, the study did have one unexpected bright point. It seems that the urges to live in the Appalachains or Black Hills, shun electricity and bathing, and bang your female relatives have been bred into a small segment of Americana, thus dooming West Virginia, Tennesee, and parts of Pennsylvania to eventual extinction via fatal mutation.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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