Hull City psychos in attempt to lure Bowyer
New firm to the premiership, Hull City Psychos who according to one expert are said to be "the worst set of northern monkeys ever to hit the top division" have been in preliminary discussions with want away Lee Bowyer.
Read full storyJonas Brothers gayer than Daniel Radcliffe?
London - (Silver Ring Thing Mess): A sophisticated PR campaign promoting the imminent arrival of Disney's latest godsquad heart-throbs the Jonas Brothers has London pop fans reeling with disbelief.
Read full storyHillary Clinton's victory speech
South Dakota, 3-06-08 - Thank you for making me your Democratic nominee. You, the America people have spoken; you have chosen me to represent you. You have given me the delegates and popular votes.
Read full storyYou Snooze...you win
Following the success of such Internet based fripperies as Youtube, and other social networking programmes (that don't involve actually spending time with real people) a new channel is to be launched, called You Snooze.
Read full storyBBC Job Vacancies
Wanted - untalented, annoying, chat show host, with irritating mockney accent.
Read full storySpace Aliens agree to pose for People magazine
Extraterrestrials have agreed to pose for an in-depth People magazine cover article this summer.
Read full storyBoris Booze Ban - first casualty
After Boris Johnson's controversial decision to ban alcohol on London transport, one 62 year old gentleman is paying a hefty price for 'flouting the ban'.
Read full storyJohn Terry, future manager of Chelsea, exposed as cheating scam
Chelsea FC owner Roman Abramovich has decided to make John Terry the manager of his team.
Read full storyJohn McCain Picks Charlie Crist for VP
New York, New York (IPP) - John McCain headquarters has announced that a Vice Presidential candidate has finally been picked out from the ranks of the Republican party. The candidate chosen is Florida governor Charlie Crist.
Read full storyObama Has Urine Tested by Secret Service
Washinton DC (IPP) - A late season cold front broke numerous weather records last night as an Arctic front reached as far south as Virginia and blanketed the White House and surrounding areas with six inches of snow.
Read full storyKennedy Surgery Generates Good News and Bad News
Duke University, North Carolina (IPP) - Ted Kennedy was all excited about the prospects of having brain surgery performed on him.
Read full storyNorth Carolina Issues Guide for New Residents
Murphy, North Carolina (IPP) - North Carolina has issued a guide for new residents and visitors to the state. The guide is available in booklet form or on DVD, cassette, and 8-Track which is still considered state-of-the-art in North Carolina. The...
Read full storyFederer retires to open chocolate company
Roger Federer, the reigning world champion of tennis, has decided to retire so that he can concentrate on making chocolates.
Read full storyBill Clinton's Grass Roots Campaign Falls off the Turnip Truck
While traveling in order to promote his wife's presidential campaign this past weekend, former President, Bill Clinton made his way back to his home town of Hope, Arkansas. As it turned out, the former President arrived on the day that some of his old friends had come back to Hope for the annual Turnip Green Cook off.
Read full storyRobert Mugabe stripped of knighthood
Wacky African dictator Sir Robert Mugabe is to lose his title along with the associated privileges. It is understood he stands to lose over 1,000 nectar points in the controversial move.
Read full storyMysterious Fire At Bunsen Burner factory
Police are investigating a mysterious fire, which destroyed a factory in Flint, Michigan, which produces Bunsen burners for schools and laboratories.
Read full storyHot Hollywood Headlines
A brief glimpse of the latest hot goss from tinseltown. Fire, sex, drugs, email and Sex and the City latest.
Read full storyInner-City Prenatal Course Offers Dumpster Disposal Tips
For six weeks Leticia Gomez has been attending the "New Beginnings" prenatal instruction course at Antelope Valley Hospital in Los Angeles, California. The class is designed to provided essential information to expecting parents, such as, what strang...
Read full storyHillary Clinton Planning Coup
While Barack Obama is taking the oath of office on inauguration day, it has been uncovered that Hillary Clinton is planning to invade the White House in a coup de e-tat, guarding the premises with paid members of WEWA, an acronym for the Women'...
Read full storyLife Discovered In Bush's Brain
In a diversion from its Mars probe, the lander was sent today to George W Bush's brain, and reports have confirmed that there is life there.
Read full storyBarack To Star In New 'Roots'
Today, Democrat Films Inc announced that their latest blockbuster was to be a film version of the highly successful television programme 'Roots.'...
Read full storyBradford And Bingley Crisis: Latest
A new crisis unfolded in the financial sector today, when executives at the Bradford & Bingley Building Society called in police to investigate the whereabouts of its two owners, Mr Bradford and Mr Bingley.
Read full storyOld Funky Spunk Rules: Sex and the City #1 at the Box Office
A powerful combination of menopause and Geritol dominated the North American box office this past weekend, as Sex and the City packed them in to the tune of a $55.7 million opening weekend.
Read full storyHull City crisis loans - Queues lengthen
As premiership fever continued today in the fair city of Ull upon Umber several hundred die hard Hull City supporters were turned away from the season ticket queue by the club after being told they were too dirty and smelly to have them due to the fa...
Read full storyBishop claims Fritzl is defrocked priest and disgraced prophet of doomsday Grail Movement
Staffordshire - (Bell Book & Candle Mess): An Anglican bishop has said that Austrian incest nutter Joseph Fritzl is a defrocked former priest and failed one-time prophet of the fascist Grail Movement doomsday cult.
Read full storyJournalistic cliches literally spiral out of control
The English Society of Great Britain, the poster child of literary excellence has expressed alarm about the rise in the use of cliché in journalism.
Read full storyRafa - "It might not be our year"
In a bizarre turn of events in the ongoing Liverpool boardroom saga, manager Rafael Benitez has shocked the fans and the world in general by saying that next season just might not be "their year".
Read full storyMythical WMDs Found In Spider's Web
Iraqi WMDs have been found inside a spider's web in Scotland.
Read full story"Diving is my life," claims Ronaldo
It has been revealed by Cristiano Ronaldo that he was actually trained by former Newcastle United flop Faustino Asprilla who was famous for his diving abilities.
Read full storyTabloids to print news alphabetically
In an effort to assist the hard of thinking and those who turn immediately to the football pages of their tabloids before reading anything else, the Newspaper Association has announced that from next month, all news in tabloid newspapers (except the...
Read full storyA Prize for Being Touched
"The head of the US Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) has said al-Qaeda is essentially defeated in Iraq and Saudi Arabia, and on the defensive elsewhere." Having read the news, I, the same girl who slept with a rock, Metaphysical Affair, 18 November 2007, decided to take a clandestine trip from Tajikistan to Afghanistan.
Read full storyGazza Sectioned For Acting Like A Geordie
Footballer Paul Gascoigne was today sectioned under the Mental Health Act for acting like a Geordie. Yesterday, in Tyneside, he was spotted walking up to a woman and saying: 'You's a reet bonnie lass, tha knaas. Gonnae gang to the pub wi' us, for...
Read full storyFashion industry calls it a day
With the recent deaths of Yves Saint Laurent, Gianni Versace and George Asda the fashion industry has decided to cease trading as from tomorrow.
Read full storyHull City win bidding war for Chelsea trophy cabinet
Premiership new boys and title favourites Hull City today announced to the stock exchange that they have acquired from Chelsea football club their former trophy cabinet. The cabinet itself is nine feet by six, mahogany and a bit dusty.
Read full storyWhite House Converted Into Mental Asylum
Today the White House was suddenly converted into a mental asylum for seriously disturbed but also rich patients.
Read full storyQE2 hex warning as Puppet Monarch says farewell
Southampton - (Titanic Mess): The Queen said her goodbyes to the Hellfire Club's former flagship the QE2 at Southampton Dock today despite frantic warnings that the hex on the liner's predecessor, the RMS Queen Elizabeth is...
Read full storyImmigration Laws to Change!
The British Government have adopted an idea to ease the disgruntled public who are increasingly concerned with high immigration levels.
Read full storyDear Paraphernalia4yourgenitalia: Rolling, Motorized Resiliently Pliable Artificial Penis
Dear P4YG, Recently I read about "a rolling toaster sized metal box outfitted with a motorized 'resiliently pliable artificial penis' " in the NY Times Book Review section. Apparently a Mr. William Harvey currently holds the patent on said device. I am writing to you with a number of questions:...
Read full storyBig Brother 9 house to feature grizzly bears
In an almost futile attempt to inject some life back into the tired Big Brother franchise Channel 4 have announced that BB9 contestants will face the additional challenge of fighting off hungry grizzly bears in the Diary Room.
Read full storyHillary Clinton wins!
Hillary Clinton was today announced as the winner of the World Straw Clutching competition, for her performance in the Democratic nomination elections.
Read full storyKenwynne Jones Breaks Dreadlock
There was heartache for Sunderland boss Roy Keane this morning, after his Trinidad & Tobago striker Kenwynne Jones was ruled out of the start of next season with a damaged dreadlock.
Read full storyAnger as Foreign Secretary exposed as not being Foreign
The government has been taken to task today by the Office of Fair Trading because a consumer from Bridlington complained that the Foreign Secretary is not in fact foreign.
Read full storyNew taxes announced by Chancellor
In his pre, pre, pre-budget speech, the Chancellor of the Exchequer has announced a raft of new taxes aimed at taking his traditional vendetta against the motorist out of the spotlight.
Read full storyA newspaper editor speaks
Speaking from my ivory tower on Canary Wharf, I learned today that not only is poor little Maddy Mccann missing, but speaking to our royal correspondent and former plumber, Kendo Nagagranny, I have found out, and can exclusively reveal, that Diana, Princess of Wales, is still dead!...
Read full storyJermain Defoe Breaks "Y'know" Record
Jermain Defoe, England's two-goal hero in last night's 3-0 demolition of giants Trinidad & Tobago, has smashed the "Y'know" record, by uttering it more than 300 times in a post-...
Read full storyAmen..Ahem....er...Praise the Lord....but which one?
It would appear that The Good Lord works in mysterious ways.
Read full storyVatican Declares: "Sexism is a Sin!"
In the enlightened times after the Second Vatican Council, sexism was declared a sin.
Read full storyBritain's Got Talent To Be Known As 'Britain's Gone Soft'
Britain's Got Talent, the ITV variety show, is to be known as Britain's Gone Soft after 14-year-old George Sampson won this year's competition with a pathetic display of Breakdancing.
Read full storyGOP Denounces Dem Compromise over FL, MI
Washington, DC - Outraged Republican Party officials denounced the compromise reached today by the Democratic Party Rules Committee, seating 50% of the delegates from Michigan and Florida even though those states had violated party rules.
Read full storySeagal Requesting his Name be Removed From List of Banned Deadly Weapons
NEW YORK, NY - Steven Seagal met with a number of foreign diplomats at the United Nations headquarters Monday, requesting the removal of his name from a list of controversial weapons facing a ban by international treaty.
Read full storyLondon Discovers Maasai Warriors Make Good Busmen
Maasai warriors, known to be traditionally good herdsman in their native country Kenya, have translated their skills to good use as busmen keeping queues orderly and assisting passengers entering the London bus network.
Read full storySharon Stone to Bare All For Chinese Officials
Beijing - Just days after sticking her stilettos in her mouth and then opening it again only to prove she could do it twice in a row, Sharon Stone has agreed to visit Beijing to make a formal apology.
Read full storyClinton Finally Concedes
WASHINGTON D.C. -- "Obama is our next president of the United States!" a reborn Senator Hillary Clinton concluded in a press conference, putting to an end a roller coaster finish for a spectacular ending to this historic Democratic race to...
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