Bill Clinton's Grass Roots Campaign Falls off the Turnip Truck

Written by Sparkle

Monday, 2 June 2008

While traveling in order to promote his wife's presidential campaign this past weekend, former President, Bill Clinton made his way back to his home town of Hope, Arkansas. As it turned out, the former President arrived on the day that some of his old friends had come back to Hope for the annual Turnip Green Cook off.

Willy Mott, who was a life long resident of Hope invited Mr. Clinton, and few others to join him for a beer down at Pauline's River Club, just outside the city limits. After arriving at the club, and discussing his wife's campaign, the subject gravitated toward the turnip green cook off.

Willy Mott proclaimed his sadness at not being able to join in the festivities. Mr. Mott confessed that he had not been successful in locating a pot large enough to hold a vast amount of turnip greens, therefore he could not enter the competition.

The owner of the bar Pauline, and her son Darrell Dewberry, were present at the time that Mr. Mott told the woeful tale of having no pot to use for the cook-off.

Darrell Dewberry came to the table where the Clinton party was gathered, and told Mr. Mott that he had a large pot, and he said that Mr. Mott was welcome to use it. The only hitch being that Howard Calmetti, another resident of Hope, had borrowed the pot two months prior to the cook-off, and the pot was still laying out in Mr. Calmetti's yard. Another customer, Ed Meatyard volunteered to make the short trip to the Calmetti home, and left the bar directly to acomplish the mission.

When Mr. Meatyard arrived at the Calmetti home, he found Mr. Dewberry's pot laying beside an oak tree close to entrance of the Calmetti property. Mr. Meatyard reached over to pick up his objective, and at the same time, cut his hand on a piece of broke glass that lay on the ground beside the pot. Mr. Meatyard bandaged his hand with a "do-rag" that was laying on his truck seat, and gather up the pot, returning with it to the bar.

Mr. Calmetti did not recognize the truck, nor the man driving, and being too late to question why the pot was being taken from his yard, Calmetti produced a 38 calibar pistol with a silencer, and shot three times at the truck, and driver.

After returning to the bar with the pot, Mr. Meatyard's hand was bandaged by Mrs. Dewberry, and Darrell Dewberry went outside to clean up the pot. Mr. Meatyard's injury was only minor, and he was unaware that shots had been fired.

At the Clametti home, a 911 call was sent out, and Mr. Calmetti gave the deputy on the scene a statement. He told the officer that someone had picked up his pot that was laying out by his oak tree, put it in the back of a truck, and was making off with it when he, (Mr.Calmettt,) fired three round in the direction of the vehicle.

Calmetti was almost arrested himself before he could explained that the pot was not something to smoke, but a cooking pot. The officer stated that he was at first under the impression that someone had come by the Calmetti home, picked up Mr. Calmetti's "stash," and had driven away while being fired upon by Mr. Calmetti.

The mistakes said in haste were soon corrected, and Calmetti told the officer that he must have hit the person stealing the pot when he fired at him. Calmetti went on to say that there was traces of blood on the ground close to the place that the pot had previously been located. Mr. Calmetti also supplied the officer with a tag number, so when the officer left the Calmetti home he made a trip by Pauline's River Club to check the licences plates in the parking lot.

During the time that Ed Meatyard had left the bar to retrieve the pot, and had come back with it, another Hope resident had come in, and joined the Clinton party; his name was Robert Taul.

Mr. Taul's father's nickname was "Big Shot." When Mr. Taul was born he became, "Little Shot," but over the years the "Little" was dropped, and he was thereafter known as simply, "Shot."

The deputy called for backup when he discovered the truck, and the licence plate matching the one that Mr. Calmetti had given him. The vehicle was in plain view, and easily recognized.

Three officers came inside the club, and asked the bartender if anyone in the club was shot. Mr. Taul was just coming out of the restroom at that time, and the bartender pointed him out to the deputies as being Shot. "There he is," said the bartender, and the officers moved in on Mr. Taul.

The deputy that had investigated the case asked Mr. Taul if he was shot, and Mr. Taul replied that he was. The next question asked to Mr. Taul was, how long he had been shot, and his response was that he had been Shot all of his life, as far as he knew. The officers had become aggravated with Mr. Taul's pert remarks, and grilled him hard as to where he was shot. Mr. Taul had to think about this question, and he answered with some hesitation, but told the officers that he must be Shot all over. Another officer asked Mr. Taul if it hurt to be shot, and Mr. Taul's answer was, "sometime."

The officers on the case had had enough of Mr. Taul's failure to comply, and the investigating officer pulled out his hand cuffs, and made ready to take Mr. Tall away.

Mr. Taul was going to be taken into custody for theft for property, and being a smart ass, but luckily a local attorney who was a regular the club jumped to Mr. Taul's defense, explaining the situation, and saved the day.

Ed Meatyard confessed that he took the pot. Darrell Dewberry's mama told the officer that the pot belonged to her initially, and if she could get away with it, she would go find Calmetti, and kick his ass.

The next day, Willy Mott won the turnip green cook-off, and President Clinton made a statement to the media while shaking his finger in front of the camera saying, "I did NOT eat turnip greens with those people."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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