Staffordshire - (Bell Book & Candle Mess): An Anglican bishop has said that Austrian incest nutter Joseph Fritzl is a defrocked former priest and failed one-time prophet of the fascist Grail Movement doomsday cult.
His ten year evangelical career as a chaplain to the Sacred Constantinian Military Order of Judas Iscariot ended abruptly when 'God's Banker' Roberto Calvi was executed on Margaret Thatcher's orders in June 1982.
Frtizl was stripped of all ecclesiastical bank accounts and credit cards before his dog collar was ritually shredded.
His rosary beads, holy water viles (sic) and assorted supernatural paraphernalia were then ritually crushed between the ample Teutonic thighs of Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger's mistress Sister Ingrid Stampa, currently the Vatican's Pontifical adviser on official cover-ups.
Issuing the stark warning during a sermon on the parable of the Five Loaves and Two Fishes the Rt Rev Gorgon Morsel (sic), Bishop of Stafford told churchgoers that Fritzl still had an apostolic following in the Tyrolean towns of Horn and Fucking, as well as on the Polish Baltic Peninsula resort of Hel.
"There's even an eponymous altar boys' club that links the twinning of the former with the latter," Morsel added enigmatically, "the name of which somehow escapes me."