Alert: Wife sought for giving husband cancer
When it started growing on his neck, Mark Spiels thought it just a freckle. As the carcinoma increased in diameter, Mark had it removed and all was fine.
Read full storyServicing buffalo herd costs on the decrease
US and A - The old adage when yer down-and-out, "Guess I'll start blowing buffalo at a-nickel-a-herd to regain some of my self-esteem," just got less expensive.
Read full storyCheney needs a new pacemaker
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): Capitol Hill sources are said to be increasingly worried that with the imminent jailing of Lewis 'Scooter' Libby US Vice President Dick Cheney is going to need a new frontrunner to ensure the FBI remains ignorant o...
Read full storyGibson To Produce-Direct-Plaster Of Paris
Mel Gibson has held a sparse news conference announcing he would produce and direct a new movie titled: "Plaster of Paris". The movie will be a compound modern day oenology with troubled heiress
Read full storyFederer totally bullish at wrecking Nadal's hat-trick glory bid
France - (Ass Mess): Tennis superace Roger Federer is utterly bullish about wiping the smile off Rafael Nadal's face in the French Open championship at Roland Garros this weekend.
Read full storyHilton reported under sedation at LA's Twin Towers jail
California - (Ass Mess): It's not e-x-a-c-t-l-y Guantanamo 2. But for beleagured socialite Paris Hilton it may as well be.
Read full storyIndoor Olympic Games announced
The International Olympic Committee (IOC) has announced that in addition to the traditional Summer and Winter Olympics, there will be a competition held for Indoor sports. Sports are expected to include darts, snooke...
Read full storyBookmakers go wild for Aishwarya Rai's 'Dhoom 2' Bollywood Oscar
Yorkshire - (Ass Mess): UK bookies have slashed the odds to 11/10 fav on Aishwarya Rai winning a coveted Bollywood 'Oscar' for Best Actress in a Leading Role in Dhoom 2 this weekend at the International Indian Film Academy Awards ceremony in...
Read full storyHillary Clinton Eats Tuna Taco on Ellen
Hillary Clinton ate a tuna taco on the Ellen DeGeneres show today, to show her support for healthy eating in America.
Read full storyDemocrats, Republicans At Odds Over Ownership of Sign
As far from bipartisanship as ever, Republicans and Democrats are now bickering over who should have exclusive rights to the use of a new sign.
Read full storyAl Sharpton Offers to Help Paris Hilton
Al Sharpton offered his assistance to the Hilton family and their daughter Paris Hilton's.
Read full storyArrogant Teachers are on the Rise
CLEVELAND, OH - A new survey in this month's TIME explained that the new breed of teacher is non-existent to that of a 1950's educator. The ability to translate such languages as Ebonics, Jive, and Spanish (pending location) has been the ma...
Read full storyBrittany Murphy Loses Weight, and Respect
LOS ANGELES - The results are in. After 1 day of research at the University Hospital Center of Tirana in Tirana, Albania, scientists finally discovered that due to heavy drug abuse, Brittney Murphy's acting talent has officially deceased. "Alth...
Read full storyEating Cancer may be the only Cure for Popazao Fever
LOS ANGELES - With new release of his smash hit single PopoZão topping the charts in the North Pole and Neverland, Kevin Federline has finally emerged as a force to reckon with in the music industry. His "Jamaican rump shaker" beats are su...
Read full storyNFL Draft Cancelled
NEW YORK CITY - Accusations that have been buzzing owners' offices and coach's meeting rooms have finally been confirmed. This year's NFL draft has been cancelled.
Read full storyHowie Mandel Overextends his 15 minutes of fame into 60
BURBANK, CA - Never since Little Monsters has Howie Mandel experienced such a high degree of fame and exposure, until the ground-breaking hit reality TV game show, Let's Make a Deal.
Read full storyKelly Unphased by HIPS Fiasco
Despite blistering attacks on the Government's proposed Home Information Pack regulations local government minister Ruth Kelly demonstrated remarkable fortitude in the House of Commons yesterday.
Read full storyMillion Pound Phone Box
A former Post Office telephone box in Kensington has gone on the market with a one million pound price tag.
Read full storyParis Hilton strip searched, fails drug test
California - (Ass Mess): Hours after being brought back to jail on Judge Sauer's orders petulant socialite Paris Hilton has failed a mandatory drug test after a standard strip search made prison officers suspicious about her toxicity.
Read full storyChurch of England demands Apology for PS3 Bloodbath Game
The Church of England have demanded an apology over Sony's use of Manchester Cathedral as the background to an ultra-violent computer game, Resistance: The Fall of Man.
Read full storyJ.K Rowling to Sue Ebay over Plagiarism
Top online auction site Ebay has landed itself in serious hot water today after multi-millionaire author J.K Rowling has threatened to sue over plagiarism.
Read full storyDolphin Alleges Racist Comments - Two Men Arrested
Two men were being questioned last night after police received reports of racial harassment against a dolphin which has become a local tourist attraction off the coast of Kent.
Read full storyRaul Move To MLS?
Mardid, Spain - A source close Raul Gonzalez, the Real Madrid striker and Madrid's favorite son, suggest that Raul is considering a move to the United States.
Read full storyEngland Players Demand Pay Increase
England footballers, including captain John Terry and his Chelsea team mate Frank Lamppost, have told the Football Association that they will not play for England again unless they are given a
Read full storyBig Brother Lesley Quits Show
The Big Brother house gained two contestants last night, and lost another, the grainy Women's Institute lady Lesley Brain.
Read full storyRon Paul Sold to Blackstone in Private Equity Deal
Ron Paul, a second-tier candidate for the Republican presidential nomination, was purchased today by the Blackstone Group in a private equity transaction estimated to be worth $6 billion.
Read full storyDavid Beckham Acquires Fast Plane To Beat DVT
After a warning by health experts that making too many flights between Los Angeles and London could constitute a health risk, footballer David Beckham has acquired a rather novel mode of transport to deal with the pr...
Read full storyParis Hilton Diagnosed As "Insane"
Celebrity heiress Paris Hilton was back behind bars last night after one of the most amazing turnarounds in American legal history.
Read full storyA media frenzy junkie fix: Judge Orders Sheriff to pickup Paris Hilton at her mansion
Los Angeles, California - Not since the O.J. Simpson murder trial white Ford Bronco car chase on the streets and freeways of Los Angeles has there been live coverage of a celebrity being taken into custody, until today.
Read full storyJack Kevorkian joins War on Terror; Opens Hotline for Depressed Suicide Bombers
Phoenix, Arizona - No longer an advocate of assisted suicide, Dr. Jack Kevorkian announced that he has opened up a suicide prevention hotline in the Middle East and Iraq for depressed suicide bombers. It is his hope that suicide bombers will call in...
Read full storyBritney Spears and Lindsay Lohan comment on Paris Hilton's Childish Behavior
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Hollywood - Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan commented on Paris Hilton's spoiled behavior. Paris Hilton was kicking and screaming, basically throwing a temper tantrum because she was having to go back to jail rather than s...
Read full storyAbstinence Program Fails; Bush Sets Puberty Age at 18
A Study commissioned by Congress promoting abstinence only programs has proven completely ineffective in preventing or delaying teenagers from having sexual intercourse. Therefore, President Bush has set the minimum age for puberty at 18 for all U.S...
Read full storySouth Park's potty humor rebels get colons cleansed
MUMBAI - South Park creative geniuses Trey Parker and Matt Stone traveled to India recently to get colonics as they do each year at this time.
Read full storyBush orders recall of all deep space probes to study Earth; Probes refuse to return
Pasadena, California - Among his first attempts to acknowledge global warming before the G8 meeting in Europe, President Bush signed executive order 2010 ordering the return of all Jet Propulsion Libratory (JPL) deep space probes back to earth to hel...
Read full story