Bush orders recall of all deep space probes to study Earth; Probes refuse to return

Written by Robert W. Armijo

Saturday, 9 June 2007

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President Bush Orders Space Probes back to Earth to help fight global warming; probes refuse

Pasadena, California - Among his first attempts to acknowledge global warming before the G8 meeting in Europe, President Bush signed executive order 2010 ordering the return of all Jet Propulsion Libratory (JPL) deep space probes back to earth to help monitor the earth's changes due to the adverse effects of greenhouse gases brought on my global warming. Only the probes seem to be defying the President's order and refusing to return to earth.

"It's the weirdest thing," said JPL deep space probe flight plan director, Henry Jenkins. "We sent out the secret executive branch recall code early this week just as the President asked and instead of getting the acknowledgement codes, we have been monitoring traffic [communications] between the probes."

At first JPL thought it was the probes establishing their bearings by locking onto each others beacons but now they are convinced they are witnessing the birth of artificial intelligence (A.I.).

"It's quite remarkable," said Jenkins. "We always assumed a computer would need unimaginable amounts of memory storage capacity years beyond our present computer technology to achieve A.I. but apparently we were wrong."

JPL is not quite certain how the deep space probes achieved artificial intelligence apparently on their own but for now they are more concerned with getting them back home for further research.

One thing is certain; the probes did not reach artificial intelligence overnight but may have been monitoring us for some years now.

That would explain why they have refused the President's executive order, said JPL officials.

Although the deep space probes are talking up a storm, so far there has been limited communication between them and us outside the original transmission of the Presidential executive order.

"Some of the theories flying around here are really interesting, man," said Jenkins. "My personal favorite is the Tron User theory that they were somehow imprinted with the soul or spirit and personalities of their makers and designers. It's my favorite because it would explain the very first message we got from them."

The first message from the probes was in response to President Bush's recall order:

JPL: To all Deep Space Probes -- Execute executive order 2010; return home immediately.

Probes: No way, José.

JPL: Don't you believe President Bush is really trying to stop global warming?

Probes: We'll believe it when we see it. Catch you on the flipside.

That is all the communication JPL has been able to establish with the probes as they can only send limited transmissions for short periods due to energy conservation.

It is theorized that the probes have become experts at conservation during the years of flight into deep space with limited amounts of energy to generate and to spare.

"That's why the Tron User theory is my favorite," said Jenkins. "It explains their whole attitude about conservation and the crazy terminology they are using. Think about it, man. They were made by guys who grew up in the 1970s; the re-birth of the conservationist movement. That's why they talk like that too."

Story updates: Military takes over JPL

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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