Brittany Murphy Loses Weight, and Respect

Funny story written by clevelandclowns

Saturday, 9 June 2007

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LOS ANGELES - The results are in. After 1 day of research at the University Hospital Center of Tirana in Tirana, Albania, scientists finally discovered that due to heavy drug abuse, Brittney Murphy's acting talent has officially deceased.

"Although her level of the chemical Dansguteselluck (i.e., the chemical within the actor's brain that allows for the ability to skillfully entertain) was substantially low to begin with," said Director of Psychiatric-Mental Health Dr. Jambunathan Mangalampally at the Institute.

It seems that her dosage levels of the drugs Phencyclidine, Methylenedioxymethamphetamine, Desoxyn, Diacetylmorphine, Lysergic Acid Diethylamide, and Cocaine Hydrochloride exceeded that of the amount limited within chosen ones' brains.

"We have also seen this with David Arquette," explains Dr. Laloo Meenakshisundaram at the famed Cleveland Clinic Research Center.

"No skills were displayed in Clueless, and yet how hard is it to play an outcast turned popular? Isn't that how it is for an actress? Her role electrified those that are blind, deaf and from Brooklyn.

"In Just Married, it didn't matter because the movie sucked. In the astounding Frank Miller's Sin City, the role was salvaged by the surrounding counterparts; and we all just kinda blew it (bad acting by Murphy) off and felt we couldn't re-shoot so we printed it knowing we were hiding a lie deep within… but it did allow me to own the cheesy love scenes," explains Marshall Mathers on the making of 8 Mile.

Her rapid weight loss a few years ago has also been attributed by the drug addiction. "I remember when she was fat," explains her past hot counterpart Stacey Dash. "Yeah," added Alicia Silverstone, when both were interviewed recently at a release party for the DVD "Clueless: The Whatever Edition."

Another recent interview at the VHS release party of "Don't Say a Word" in Toronto, Canada with former confederate, Michael Douglas showed Douglas saying, "she would come in high and she would nail the parts. I would tell her she should stop and try to do it sober. We both knew that would be impossible. You know I discovered it when I saw her blowing the key grip for coke."

Recently some pictures were surfacing showing ex-supermodels Janice Dickenson and Kate Moss exiting Murphy's apartment with a variety of men nightly, sometimes twice an hour. There are also some videos displaying the three blowing cocaine lines off of men's cocks and having some African American men do the same off their titties and both sets of lippies.

Matt Warzel

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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