Blake Lewis Named the Real Winner of American Idol
In a surprising turn of events, it was announced Wednesday that 25-year old Blake Lewis was the actual winner of American Idol.
Read full storySnowmen Evolving into Migratory Animals
Snowmen are evolving into migratory animals, so says Professor Ima Dorc. After decades of studying snowmen Professor Dorc claims they are now on the move. Global warming has been a problem for these cool fellows and many were afraid the species wou...
Read full storyWin a Kidney Show was a Hoax!
The Big Donor Show, in which kidney patients tried to win a healthy kidney, now entitled "Mistake and Kidney" has been revealed by makers Endemol as a huge hoax.
Read full storyArchbishop to excommunicate Kate Middleton over royal abortion allegation
Lambeth Palace - (Ass Mess): Ecclesiastical sources are said to be livid today following the leaking of reports that Prince William's ex-girlfriend may have had an abortion rather than suffer a lifetime of mothering a new Anti-Christ.
Read full storyF-Word gastro-vulgarian Ramsay banned from Regent's Park
Regent's Park - (Ass Mess): Loud-mouthed, profaning, self-publicising gastro-vulgarian Gordon Ramsay has been banned from Regent's Park ahead of his attempt to exploit the royal green space with a 'F-Word Liv' display of his monument...
Read full storyMexican Condom Company Introduces "Son-Brero"
Oahaca, Mexico---- Mexican condom manufacturer Fornicada today unveiled its latest latex creation, the "Son-Brero".
Read full storyMan stole 8,000 pieces of woman cloths
TOKYO - Tokyo's Police found more than 8,000 pieces of women's clothing and lingerie in the home of a Japanese man named Kawamura who stole the items so he could sleep buried in them. Police found 2,400 pieces of lingerie, 600 kimonos and 5,...
Read full storyLohan Wows Red Carpet at Premier
Lindsay Lohan looked positively Emo in a throwback Marine uniform as she stepped onto the red carpet for the premier of her latest movie: "Sobriety".
Read full storyIt Was 40 Years Ago Today
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - London - "It was 20 years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play," goes the old Beatle song, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, but the song was about 20 years off. It looks like Paul is lonely again,...
Read full storyPresident Bush's Fish
(MUSICMAN PRESS) "It was this long I tell ya," said the President, when asked about the catfish he caught while on a fishing trip with his father and brother.
Read full storyQuarantined man identified as Elton John
Atlanta, Georgia - The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) today identified the man with a rare form of tuberculosis as Sir Elton John. He was first diagnosed with an especially-virulent form of the disease prior to his birthday celebra...
Read full storyHarry Potter Theme Park to be built on Ancient Indian Burial Site?
Orlando, Florida - The Seminole Tribal Council, alleging its sacred ancestral burial grounds will be disturbed, is disputing Universal Studio's proposed future site of the Harry Potter Theme Park. Builders refusing comment, plans for constructio...
Read full storyPortuguese Police Arrest DNA Sample In McCann Case
Portuguese Police have today revealed that a mystery sample of DNA has been found in the bedroom where Madeleine McCann was abducted, according to reports.
Read full storyDamien Hirst Diamond Skull Commissioned by the Beckhams
Controversial artist Damien Hirst has today unveiled his most expensive piece to date, a diamond encrusted sculpture of Victoria Beckham's head worth 50 to 90 million.
Read full storyCheney Gets A Chubby Over Thompson's Movement
Washington DC (FP) - It has been rumored that Fred Thompson will announce his bid for the White House in the coming weeks to combat Ron Paul's growing popularity. Fred Thompson's has been said to be joining the race because all the other Neoc...
Read full storyWestport Couple Under Investigation
WESTPORT, CONNECTICUT -- Westport police reported today that local residents Samantha and Darrin Stephens, of 1164 Morning Glory Circle, are under investigation for numerous disturbances and suspicious activities.
Read full storyApple in your own eye?
SillyCon Valley, CA: Apple today launched a new generation of Mac interface devices, the iBall.
Read full storyCops question Jeffrey Archer's wife Mary about JK Rowling maternity fraud
Grantchester - (Ass Mess): The wife of convicted perjurer and former Tory Party chairman Lord Archer has been questioned by UK fraud squad cops this morning about destroying the evidence regarding her maternity of serial plagiarist and con artiste ex...
Read full storyMcCann parents lined up for Panto
Following their meeting with the Pope the parents of missing toddler Madeleine McCann are rumoured to be appearing on stage in a production of Oliver Twist this Christmas.
Read full storyBeckham 'needs to score at least twice against Brazil' to get that knighthood
Wembley Stadium - (Ass Mess): David Beckham, who is poised to secure his 95th England cap tonight in the friendly against Brazil 'needs to score at least two damned good goals before the rumored knighthood is in the bag' according to Whiteha...
Read full storyBookies' frenzy on Aishwarya and Abhishek's twin girls' names
Mumbai - (Ass Mess): A frenzy of betting has begun on the likely names that Bollywood megastars Aishwarya Rai and husband Abhishek Bachchan are likely to give their twin daughters that are said to be already on their way for a late January/early Feb...
Read full storyManchester United Star Duncan Edwards' Dudley Pub Is Flattened
A pub in Dudley that was renamed in 2001 to honour the memory of one of the town's favourite sons, has finally been demolished, much to the chagrin of locals who have been "up in arms".
Read full storyGabriel Agbonlahor Misses His Call Up To England U-21 Squad Due To Various Reasons
Gabriel Agbonlahor, the strangely-named Aston Villa player, missed the chance to join the England U-21 side because of a mix-up with his mobile phone, says the England international football website,...
Read full storyEpsom Derby 2007: Fat chance Dettori!
Epsom Downs - (Ass Mess): It's more a case of Epsom Salts than Epsom Downs for wannabe Derby champion Frankie Dettori who is up on the 4/5 favortie Authorised tomorrow, bidding to break his 15 year duck in this prime Blue Riband race.
Read full storyChurch fires 'dildo-peddling' organist
Wisconsin - (Ass Mess): Linette Servais, a Wisconsin church organist with over 35 years experience of ministering to parishioners' needs, has been fired because her boss Father Dean Dombroski found out she was supplementing her derisory ecclesias...
Read full storyBlair uses Americanism in effort to be hip, comes across as a git.
PRETORIA (AssPress) - Prime Minister Tony Blair wrapped up a farewell tour of picking up presents and kick backs in Africa on Friday with a call for fellow G8 leaders to "step up to the plate" an Americanism relating to the...
Read full storyDamien Hirst's "Turd of life"
Controversial modern artist Damien Hirst has revealed his latest creation to the world.
Read full storyRepublicans want Beckham's Visa Denied
Congressional republicans want to deny David Beckham a working visa to play soccer in the United States.
Read full storyEngland Rugby Shock as 12 year old called up
England's Rugby Union Coach Brian Ashton has named a 12 year old boy to play in Saturday's match against South Africa. As only 14 fit squad members remain due to various injuries and illness, Ashton has named the captain of St Jesus's Sch...
Read full storyDirty Dogs in Wooftop Protest
HELENSBURGH (Cheuchters) - Violence flared Thursday at Wooftops Kennels, Rhu, as around 50 dogs took to rioting. Trouble started with a dirty protest led by two dogs currently on remand for perverting the course of justice. "T...
Read full storyIsle Of Man TT Race Is Safer Than Pulling-On Your Underpants - Claim
The Isle of Man TT gets under way this weekend amid the usual calls for it to be scrapped, but statistics just out show that it isn't nearly as dangerous as some people seem to think.
Read full storyRon Paul's Message of US Dollar Fraud Give George Bush a Nervous Breakdown
WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) - The current fraud of US dollar proliferation is coming to an end, says Congressman and Republican Presidential Candidate Ron Paul, and his message just gave George Bush a nervous breakdown.
Read full storyChomsky honored during National Spelling Bee halftime show
District of Columbia - Halftime festivities at the Scripps National Spelling Bee included a ceremony for Noam Chomsky, who was inducted into the Linguistics Hall of Fame.
Read full storyBush Urges Meeting to Curb Unwanted Emmisions
George Bush has recently bee criticised for his stance on global warming. So far, George has given the impression that he doesn't care a tinker's cuss about the planet and is more concerned with other stuff but has just announced that 15 infl...
Read full storyTaliban tap Mullah Nasruddin to replace slain commander
Helmand Province, Afghanistan (Early Bird Current News) - In a desperate attempt to regain control in Afghanistan, the Taliban are claiming Mullah Nasruddin as their top replacement for the recently-deceased Mullah Dadullah.
Read full storyScientists Create Dinosaur Tissue
Scientists at North Carolina State have created more dinosaur tissue in labs. Paleontologist Mary Schweitzer discovered dinosaur collagen in April. Her team found a variety of amino acids and proteins, which were analogous to those found in some mode...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan: Innocent
Beverly Hills police confirmed today that Lindsay Lohan is innocent in the DWI and drug case that hit the news a few days ago. Chief David "Davy" Snowden confirmed that the woman seen in videos was actually an FBI agent pos...
Read full storyEngland's Rich Cheese-rolling Tradition Carries on; assuring the world the dance of the human lemminings continues
Gloucestershire, England - England has once again out done herself. Show casing to the world her greatest contribution to it since afternoon teatime, Thomas's English Muffins and Shakespeare: The rolling of a 7-pound wheel of cheese down a very seep hillside, nearly a vertical incline, and pursuing it with a careless regard for life or limb, tumbling head over heels, arms and legs flailing hel...
Read full storyMichael Bloomberg and His SWAMP Campaign
Michael Bloomberg says he's not running for President, yet he continues to maintain a high profile in policy matters. In his latest step, the New York City Mayor is working hard on his Solid Waste Management Plan (SWAMP) for handling garbage.
Read full storyAl Gore Joins Cave Commune
Al Gore took up a new residence yesterday. The former Vice President and budding documentary film star moved into a cave commune, leaving behind his 10,000 square foot mansion and its heated pool.
Read full storyKeith Richards takes over James Bond role from Daniel Craig
London - In a stunning announcement, MGM studios and Albert Broccoli jointly named Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones as the new James Bond, effectively replacing Daniel Craig, who last starred in the biggest Bond blockbuster ever, "Casino Roy...
Read full storyVegas Going Broke as Ron Paul's Odds Improve!
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Las Vegas - From sea to shining sea, Las Vegas has been the one place in America that has seen a profit through both good economic situations and bad, but Las Vegas is going broke as Ron Paul's odds move from 200 to 1 15 to...
Read full storyNew Name For Buffalo Bills
(MUSICMAN PRESS) During a press conference with Bills' long time owner and CEO Peter B. Heartless; he declared that the roomers are true.
Read full storyClinton Sinks Any Presidental Hopes With DUI
(MUSICMAN PRESS) At two forty-six AM yesterday morning a Dallas police officer reported seeing a red van driving in reverse down the wrong side of the street. After he entered in the tag number he was stunned to learn that the van belonged to a Mr. a...
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