Regent's Park - (Ass Mess): Loud-mouthed, profaning, self-publicising gastro-vulgarian Gordon Ramsay has been banned from Regent's Park ahead of his attempt to exploit the royal green space with a 'F-Word Liv' display of his monumental ego during the Taste of London annual food festival.
Ancient by-laws prohibit 'known criminals, vulgar common varlets and purveyors of lewdnes various' from entering the central London enclosure.
These have now been summoned to bar him from the Park 'on pain of being thrown into the Tower of London' where he will automatically languish 'for a year and a day' if he breaks any conditions of the exclusion zone imposed on him today.
Also barred are all the former London-based KGB spooks turned restaurateurs and theri associated rent boys, hit men and perjurers.
And a special fifty mile exclusion zone has ben imposed on Sir Terrence Con Artist as well as the his former eponymnous catering empire and the convicted fraudsters who now run it.
"This year we're sweeping al the crap out of the Royal Parks," said a Royal Parks Agency spokesman.
"Enough tacky seared tuna ravioli, rocket confit and bearnaise sauce for us.
"Always thought it was a pile of foreign crap anyway."
Vladimir Sputum, 59, is livid.