Brad Pitt to audition for Larry Birkhead role in Dannielynn the Movie
Nassau, Bahamas - (ReUterus): A consortium of movie backers is wooing Hollywood hunk Brad Pitt to audition for the lead role of Larry Birkhead in the forthcoming film Dannielynn the Movie.
Read full storyReleased British sailors spark rhetoric war with Iran
Upon the release by Tehran last Thursday of 15 UK armed forces personnel held captive for 13 days for allegedly violating Iran's territorial waters, a spokesperson for the British government claimed that their "confessions" broadcast on...
Read full storyZsa Zsa vows to divorce Von Assfelt after Dannielynn DNA test humiliation
Monte Carlo - (ReUterus): Zsa Zsa Gabor is instructing her divorce lawyers after her husband's cocksure claims to fathering Anna Nicole Smith's baby Dannielynn turned out to be a wacko fantasy.
Read full storyPioneer says weblogs need content warnings for the dumb
Cyberspace - (Ass Mess): Websites are being advised by web pioneer Tim O'Reilly to organise their contents so that even the dumbest, most assinine and easily offended wingnut browsers can easily recognise the possibility that some blogs "may...
Read full storyFarmers Threaten Smallville Cast & Crew
(A corn field in the USA, Rioters) - Farmers across the country today sharpened their pitchforks and gathered around cornfields, barring the way of the 'Smallville' crew to plow through, to shoot scenes for their upcoming 26th season. The far...
Read full storySock Monkey Terrorizes Minnesota Family
When Charles Duskins of Rush Rapids, Minnesota brought home an adorable sock monkey as a gift for his five-year old daughter Mary, nothing seemed out of the ordinary.
Read full storyAlaina and Shyamali Post Second Round of Nude Photos
Just in time for another edition of American Idol, Shyamali Malakar (sister of Sanjaya) and Alaina Alexander (boyfriend of Chris) have posted another set of hot photos on their websites. Both did this in order to fulfill promises that the longer the...
Read full storyDon Imus Voted, 'Funniest Man Of All-Time'
NEW YORK--Recent comments seem to have sparked more uproar, but what may seem as a slight joke has editors of national newspapers raking in the dough. The New York Times Posted 'Funniest Man Of All Time' in the life section of the news perio...
Read full storyIranians forced me to wear unflattering striped shirt claims former hostage Faye Turney
It has now been nearly a week since the 15 sailors captured by the Iranians for allegedly trespassing in their waters were released, amid the lavish grandstanding of the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and relief of families and loved ones of t...
Read full storyThe World's Dumbest Dog
My son owns the world's dumbest dog. I know that some humans are born mentally retarded, and I believe that this animal suffers the same condition. No original thought has ever entered his head. I would describe him as being brain dead, if it were determined that he ever had a brain in the first place.
Read full storyIran Plans Network of Nuclear Power Plants
Iran intends to build 150,000 nuclear reactors by 2009 having revealed it can now enrich uranium on an industrial scale.
Read full storyUnlucky Man's Phone-a-Friend Choice "A Bad Move"
An unlucky contestant on the TV game show 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?' said his choice of phone-a-friend was "a bad move", by his own admission.
Read full storyImus new ambassador to Botswana
Washington, D.C. - The White House announced today that controversial radio talk show host Don Imus will serve as interim ambassador to the Republic of Botswana, replacing former ambassador Katherine Canavan, who has been missing since December 2002.
Read full storyNicole Kidman Vows 'If I'm Pregnant, Media Will be the First to be Told'
Nicole Kidman may or may not be pregnant depending on what news service you look at. However, in a rare act for a celebrity, Kidman has assured the media that, if she falls pregnant, she will let the media know first before partner Keith Urban.
Read full storyBars to offer Beer Goggle Prescriptions
Scientists have long accepted the effect of alcohol on human beings' perception of beauty. A new scheme, developed by researchers at Lancaster University, is being trialled which will allow pub patrons to be more aware of this oft dangerous pheno...
Read full storyNo sunny side up in futility eggs row
Trowbridge, Wilts - (ReUterus): A woman who put all her eggs in one basket has lost her only chance of maternity after a European Court of Inhuman Rites appeal failed to get her fertilised embryos out of the deep freeze.
Read full storyDrug War Extended to Catnip
Drug warriors scored a victory after the 2006 U.S. elections when they hurriedly extended the War on Drugs to a psychoactive substance previously exempt: nepetalactone, the main psychoactive ingredient in catnip. It is well known that the sniffing of...
Read full storyJames Baker Resigns as Bush's Godparent
James Baker, the lifelong friend of George H.W. Bush, announced that he would be resigning as George W. Bush's godfather.
Read full storyGeorge H.W. Bush Claims "W" is Not His Child
In an apparent move to distance himself from the judgment-challenged president, George H.W. Bush came forward with the name of the milkman who apparently sired his "son."...
Read full storySharpton, Jackson, Christ Defend Imus
(SEACAUCUS, NJ) --Syndicated MSNBC shock jock Dom Imus, recently suspended two weeks for a controversial on-air description of female African American student basketball players at Rutgers University as "nappy headed ho's," today receiv...
Read full storyCharles Simonyi; Fifth Tourist in Space, Space Gets a Starbucks
Despite space's obvious appeal and dazzling views, it has had trouble attracting tourists. Charles Simonyi, billionaire software designer and the less famous husband of Martha Stewart, is trying to change that as he has just become the fifth spa...
Read full storyRoyal Navy Bidding War Begins In Earnest
A bidding war has begun after the Ministry of Defence last week gave the green light to the 15 Royal Navy personnel captured in Iranian waters, to sell their stories to the media.
Read full storyMatch of the Day's Gary Lineker In Sex Change Surprise
BBC1's Match of the Day programme had a very different look this week when presenter Gary Lineker unveiled his new persona after having recently undergone a sex change.
Read full story"Manchester Utd Will Win Handsomely" Brags Ferguson
Exercising his 'bragging rights', manager Alice Ferguson boasted his Manchester United team would "win handsomely" ahead of tonight's Champion's League match with Roma at Ol...
Read full storyDobson Denies Thompson God'Son
James Dobson of Fucup the Family fame has released a list of who can be a Christian and who can't.
Read full storyChocoholic assaults Easter Bunny, steals candy
Hershey, Pa. - Self-proclaimed chocoholic Helen Turner, of Hershey, Pa. was arraigned today on first-degree assault charges after she allegedly attacked the Easter Bunny, Sunday, and stole all his candy.
Read full storyGeorge Bush: I am the 'Decidulator'
In a characteristic misstatement...which Americans have come to accept, from their "Commandant-in-Chief...George Bush reiterated Tuesday, that he is "The Decidulator' and that our 230 year tradition of Democracy, with its system of Chec...
Read full storyMan Swims 3272 Miles, Only to Lose His Penis Somewhere Along The Way
After a 3000+ mile swim Martin Strel is tired, hungry, and without a penis.
Read full story"SouthernGuess?" Buys Four Famous Red Triangles
Madison Ave is amazed at the perspicacity of new Alabama clothier "SouthernGuess?". Unlike the elephant in the living room or the KKK grandfather in the attic where everybody notices but dare not say a word, "SouthernGuess?&qu...
Read full storyDumpty Heirs Sue King's Horses, King's Men, et al.
(Hollywood) -- Yesterday afternoon the widow and adult children of Mr. H. Dumpty, late of Brentwood, filed suit seeking damages from The King's Horses, The King's Men, et al. alleging (1) failure to put the decedent, Mr. Dumpty, back together...
Read full storyOil Discovered in Texas - US Withdraws from Iraq
(MIDLAND, TX) -- Texas's historic Permian Basin oil deposits were discovered yesterday to have a hidden reserve below the 15,000 foot level that experts speculate could fuel the US and the world in perpetuity.
Read full storyEnglish church visited by one of King Arthur's Knights needs repair; Enderby's won't cave to Sprint, Verizon, or Cingular wireless for cell phone transmitter tower
St. Margaret's Church at Bag Enderby in Lincolnshire County, located in the East Midlands of England is in great disrepair. This 15th century church, which was built in 1407 with money bequeathed by Albinus de Enderby, is currently being restored...
Read full storyAs Thousands in Iraq Call For US Withdrawal -- US Withdraws
(Baghdad) -- After a third day of protests calling for the US to withdraw from Iraq, today the United States in a surprise move, withdrew. The move came as protests did the unthinkable in this war-torn capital -- actually uniting Sunnis, Shiites, &...
Read full storyJanis Joplin Performs at the Republican Convention
Many conservatives found it tasteless to have rock star Janis Joplin perform at the Republican Convention, in front of audiences mostly ages 60 and above, and a large group of politicians such as Dick Cheney, President Bush, and John Ashcroft.
Read full storySatire Writer Arrested for Perverse Acts with Dogs
A satire writer and school teacher from Durham, North Carolina has been arrested for carrying on lewd sexual acts with animals. The man, referring to himself as "The King" was running through a park Easter weekend, picking up peoples' dogs as they w...
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