Iranians forced me to wear unflattering striped shirt claims former hostage Faye Turney

Funny story written by Beth MacMillan

Tuesday, 10 April 2007

image for Iranians forced me to wear unflattering striped shirt claims former hostage Faye Turney
Faye Turney lights up another one as she explains her horrific ordeal

It has now been nearly a week since the 15 sailors captured by the Iranians for allegedly trespassing in their waters were released, amid the lavish grandstanding of the Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and relief of families and loved ones of the hostages.

Since then, more has come out over what really happened whilst the sailors were being held captive. Most forthcoming so far has been midshipman Faye Turney, the only woman of the group. Since the MOD has allowed the former hostages to sell their stories to the press, Ms Turney has appeared in both the Star newspaper and an ITV interview telling a frankly disgusted public of her painful ordeal to the tune of £100,000.

Thanks to this unprecedented media coverage, we have now learned of Faye Turney's full ordeal in the hands of her brutish captors.

"It was not like it seemed on television," she claims. "That was staged. I don't even know how to play chess. And though it looks as if I was given an ample supply of cigarettes throughout the my detention, this is simply not true. I was dying for a fag, but they refused to give me even one, until I wrote a letter claiming I was against the war in Iraq."

"They held me in a tiny darkened cell for days, occasionally dangling a cigarette through the bars, then pulling it away and cackling evilly. They forced me to listen as they recited the Koran and at one point, I was afraid of being raped. This was after they discovered I was a woman, after they had listened to the BBC reports on television. Before they thought I was a chap in drag."

"During my time alone, I heard people outside with saws and hammers. Then someone came and measured me and I was certain they were making my coffin. Little did I know at the time, they were up to something far more sinister."

"Eventually I was allowed out of my cell and reunited with the others. We were given some horrible spicy food to eat. I was just happy to have a smoke."

"It was only later that I discovered the significance of the measurements taken earlier," Faye continued, holding back a sob. "They were measuring me for that horrible, horrible striped shirt. I begged them not to make me wear it, I begged them."

At this point, Faye had to stop and take hold of herself. "And that is how I appeared at our release, looking like the wide end of an atrocious cheap sofa."

Faye took a deep breath and looked directly into the camera. "I will never, ever forgive them for what they did. That is why I am donating 2% of the money I receive for this interview to the Institute of Fashion Studies. That way, no other young woman will ever have to go through what I did again."

Thus, this brave woman concluded her interview and left to get to the bank before it closed.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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