Drug War Extended to Catnip

Funny story written by Fred Foldvary

Tuesday, 10 April 2007

Drug warriors scored a victory after the 2006 U.S. elections when they hurriedly extended the War on Drugs to a psychoactive substance previously exempt: nepetalactone, the main psychoactive ingredient in catnip. It is well known that the sniffing of catnip makes some cats "turn on." Their eyes open wide, they roll over on the floor, they hug and bite the catnip toy and kick it with the feet, and they friskily run to and fro, similar to human beings who go crazy ingesting psychoactive drugs.

While catnip does not have the same effect on human beings, the advocates of banning catnip have pointed out that children who give their cats catnip and then see the cat being "happy" might get dangerous ideas about getting high. They think, if the cat can feel good, why not them too? Indeed, the first step to marijuana addiction may well be catnip! According to the drug warriors, catnip has been a major gateway to the human abuse of drugs, and yet there has been no prohibition.

The enforcement of the prohibition of catnip will begin nationally with the first full eclipse of the sun in 2008, to symbolize the eclipse of the libertine and lascivious feline attitudes that have led to catnip abuse. Americans will receive orders to destroy all catnip in their homes before the eclipse.

Like marijuana, there is also the problem of controlling the catnip plants, scientifically called Nepeta cataria. Catnip is a member of the mint family, and the plant grows all over North America. The Prohibition of the Possession of Nepetalactone and Catnip Plants Act makes it a federal crime to grow catnip on one's land, even if the landowner does not know that the plants are present. Large-scale spraying with toxic chemicals will occur during 2008 everywhere that satellites detect catnip plants. Unfortunately, sometimes spearmint and basil plants look like catnip, and these may also be sprayed. Americans will be warned to avoid ingesting any herbs of the mint family after the spraying.

"Catnip is a much greater drug problem than most people realize," said Drug-Czar aide Ima Tyrant in a recently televised interview. "Some teenagers have experimented with smoking catnip. People also make tea from catnip, and have used it in folk medicines. We can no longer tolerate this big loophole in drug abuse. The prohibition of catnip will the 'cat-stone' to America's War on Drugs."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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