English church visited by one of King Arthur's Knights needs repair; Enderby's won't cave to Sprint, Verizon, or Cingular wireless for cell phone transmitter tower

Funny story written by King David

Tuesday, 10 April 2007

image for English church visited by one of King Arthur's Knights needs repair; Enderby's won't cave to Sprint, Verizon, or Cingular wireless for cell phone transmitter tower
Two cell phone transmitter towers in England

St. Margaret's Church at Bag Enderby in Lincolnshire County, located in the East Midlands of England is in great disrepair. This 15th century church, which was built in 1407 with money bequeathed by Albinus de Enderby, is currently being restored by his ancestors Mavis and Wood Enderby and the Green Knight of Lincolnshire Wolds to accommodate the seasonal migrant workers from eastern Europe and Portugal who come to help with the harvesting of cabbage, cauliflowers, onions and sugar beets.

But money is scarce on this 600-year-old farm and choices are few as to how to restore the old church overgrown with moss and ivy in this county where the local joke is that it's the only county left in England where most people's second car is a Massey Ferguson.

"Nairn there duck," says Mavis Enderby. "Me seems a little mardy whilst I find a solution for this here chapel. Them vines ir crackin' the walls and them tates ain't payin' fir any of it. Besides, the oil company from Australier bought the mineral rites and we had to buy ire new combine wit er money. Ire only solution is to put transmitters in Hussey tower. "

What Mavis Enderby is talking about is what a lot of churches in England are having to do to raise the money to repaire their old buildings. By hiding cell phone transmitters in their church towers they can not only make money, but provide a public service making it unecessary to construct another ugly transmitter tower.

But it's not that easy. This "pennies from heaven" fund raising has a few problems.

For starters, the transmitters, which are made of steel and interact with parishioner's hearing aids cause a loud, screaming siren to go off that is sure to blow out the wearer's ear drums and those of the persons sitting next to them in the pews and eliminate any hearing capacity left at all.

Secondly, it would encourage the parishioners to bring their cell phones to services, so they can get outstanding reception and call all their children in London on Sunday.

Thirdly, it causes parishioners, who, if it weren't for the United Lincolnshire Hospitals NHS Trust, the North Sea and Massey Ferguson, would not be exposed to a technological invention beyond the middle ages to ask questions and wonder if life might be better elsewhere.

And, lastly having the transmitters hidden in the tower would create the opportunity and probability that pornography would be downloaded onto cell-phones and that would not necessarily be in line with the mission of the church.

"This is really a wicked situation God has put us in," said Wood Enderby. "We need to say our prayers."

Bag Enderby, or "Green Chapel" as it is legendarily known is located north of the A158 between Horncastle and Partney, Lincolnshire. The old church is built of greenstone and is situated in beautiful Lincolnshire Wolds and is where the legendarily brave Sir Gawaine had to meet the Green Knight a year after lopping of his head at a New Year's Eve bash in King Arthur's Court in the mead hall of Cadbury Castle in Camelot.

Anyone who has a solution for the Enderby's is encouraged to scribe a message in a bottle and drop it in the North Sea.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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