Released British sailors spark rhetoric war with Iran

Funny story written by Quorum of One

Tuesday, 10 April 2007

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Happy to be home

Upon the release by Tehran last Thursday of 15 UK armed forces personnel held captive for 13 days for allegedly violating Iran's territorial waters, a spokesperson for the British government claimed that their "confessions" broadcast on Iranian television were obtained under duress.

Foreign Office envoy Ian V. O'Wye told reporters in a press briefing, "Our sailors were obviously coerced by their captors into fabricating these outrageous lies."

In response to the charges, Iran's defense minister Hiessad Shiessad released a statement declaring that the confessions were indeed authentic and that "The Foreign Office employee was clearly obliged by the British authorities to invent this disgraceful falsehood."

When informed of this counter-charge, Mr. O'Wye counter-counter-charged in a television interview that the confessions were "most definitely not genuine, " adding that "naturally a high-ranking Iranian official would be forced to concoct this unconscionable fiction." To which Mr. Shiessad issued a communique claiming that the confessions "were too" and that "Mr. O'Wye was plainly compelled to devise yet another heinous deception." To which Mr. O'Wye replied in a memo, "Were not. Unmistakably, Mr. Shiessad was pressured into contriving one more in a series of execrable dissimulations." To which Shiessad riposted in comments made to his mates down the pub, "Were too. Mr. O'Wye was unquestionably strong-armed into dreaming up this latest iniquitous prevarication." To which O'Wye responded, talking in his sleep, "Were not. Mr. Shiessad was flagrantly browbeaten into perpetrating this most recent monstrous calumny."

No reply to this latest salvo in the war of words has been received as of yet, but O'Wye is confident that Iran will back down soon. "We have more synonyms than they do, " he commented. "They can't hold out much longer." Meanwhile, Iran's communications minister announced plans to build 32 "vocabulary enrichment" sites at undisclosed locations around the country. Downing Street has called for a UN Security Council meeting to rule on further sanctions against Iran if it proceeds with the plan. According to O'Wye, the first point on Britain's agenda would be "an embargo on poorly tailored gray suit jackets."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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