Letters to the editor Scottish version
Dear Sir Smile though your heart is aching Why is Nick Clegg looking so glum? He sits next to his new best friend, the Prime Minister, at PMQ's but he does not appear to participate. The Prime Minister throws his old Etonian jokes back at the Labour Party and sometimes the jokes are funny. Nick doesn't laugh. Is he playing both sides at the same time? Perhaps he is still hiding his fu...Read full story
World War Three Starts Over FIFA 2018 World Cup
LONDON & MOSCOW - After revelations that Russia is hosting the 2018 World Cup, Britain have started WW3 with Russia. David Cameron, coming to Cabinet in a drunken stupor, mostly to drown his sorrows of the lost investment, ordered his Cabinet...Read full story
Man's Terrifying Dreams Come True
A man in Battambang awoke in a cold sweat this morning after a restless night during which he had several nightmares, but this was only the start of his torture, as the disturbing things he had experienced whilst asleep, began to reveal themselves as...Read full story
Vuvuzela Found Stuck Up Man's Arse
Medical staff have told how a man was admitted to a Johannesburg hospital this morning with a vuvuzela protruding out of his arse. The local man, who had been blowing his 'horn' at the South Africa v. Uruguay game, had, apparently, been attacked b...Read full story
Tiddlywinks World Cup To Come To Britain
Sports Minister, George Sad, unveiled Britain's bid to host the 2020 Tiddlywinks World Cup in his monthly press conference yesterday. Early estimates suggested that hosting the popular event will cost around £300 million. Mr Sad dismissed that...Read full story
JT Can't Keep the Gnome Fires Burning Like Rio
Love rat and former England and Chelsea statue John Terry has failed miserably to take a leaf out of Rio Ferdinand's book on happy families, writes Virginia Ratpoison. Ferdinand recently bought four garden gnomes for his Cheshire mansion, and had...Read full story
Nicolas Anelka To Be Sent To Devil's Island
Disgraced France football star Nicolas Anelka is preparing this morning to set sail for French Guiana aboard a prison ship bound for the penal colony of Devil's Island. The island is the place to where Hollywood stars Steve McQueen - wrongly accus...Read full story
England: Fourth Place Is Coming Home!
Let the celebrations begin! The England football team, so often derided in the past and labelled 'disappointing' at major tournaments, have at last 'completed the job', 'delivered the goods', and, in one last pathetic strain for a brilliant flower...Read full story
Heather Mills Takes Over Becks Rehab Says: He'll Definitely Be Ready for Cup!
The world's richest one legged Tango dancer and Ice Folly performer, Heather Mills, has taken over the rehabilitation of one legged soccer player David Beckham. Beckham, crestfallen, in deep depression and sobbing uncontrollably was ruled out of...Read full story
Vuvuzelas Can Be Heard 'Even After TV Has Been Switched Off'
Viewers of the BBC's World Cup coverage have swamped the organisation's switchboard in recent days complaining that the droning that accompanies the football matches can be heard 'even after TV sets have been turned off'. The Beeb said this morni...Read full story
Irate Fans Demand Refunds Following Boring Uruguay v Ghana World Cup QF
Thousands of irate vuvuzela blowing fans gathered outside the Soccer City Stadium in Johannesburg last night demanding their money back after what will probably go down in history as the most tedious, uneventful World Cup game ever. The game, betw...Read full story
Desperate Fab-u-loseio Capello invites top South African Witch Doctor to rid England of the ancient curse. 'Loseritis"!
In a last ditch, desperate attempt to save England, a speachless Fab-u-loseio Capello has ordered a top Zuid Afrikaans Witch Doctor in to try and rid England of that ancient curse "Loseritis". (translated in perfect Zulu = Spoilt Brat-itis) Jagged...Read full story
Neymar Offered 'Role' In EastEnders
Brazilian footballer Neymar has been wowing the crowds at the World Cup in Russia with some stunning performances, and 2 goals so far, but the fans are not the only people the 26-year-old has been impressing. Executives at the BBC have been meetin...Read full story
Golden Shower Dampens World Cup Final Celebrations
France and Croatia provided a stunning finale to the World Cup last night, and, in a wonderful show of footballing skills, the French ran out 4-2 victors. Sadly, there was an unfortunate footnote to the tournament, when an argument broke out over the...Read full story
News has leaked out that Paul the Psychic Octopus has been cloned by German Scientists in readiness for next World Cup
News has reached us that, before Paul the Psychic Octopus passed on to the great blue yonder, scientists in Germany had a plan to clone him. After all, they had nothing to lose and everything to gain. This top secret scientific plan was passed on...Read full story
Fabio Capello's English National Team Has Been Given Some "Ball Pointers" From Dr. Andy Harland
LONDON - Dr. Andy Harland is the designer of the new Adidas Jabulani football that will be used in the World Cup matches. Dr. Andy, as he is called by is wife and most of his kids, said that he actually worked on the football project with a crack...Read full story
English soccer "WAGS" arrive in South Africa and protest because there are no luxury boutiques in Rustenburg, shock, horror!
English soccer 'Wags" (wives and girlfriends) renowned for their ability to spend, spend and spend even more have arrived in Rustenburg, South Africa and are completely devastated. No Gucci's, Cartiers, Dolce Cabana's luxury boutiques, etc, just p...Read full story
The Secret England Footballer: Colombia Pays the Penalty - Eventually
I'm penalty taker. Yes, I bloody am, really. Except for last night that is, thanks to that bastard "Mr. Southgate". I promise you, I am going to stick one on him soon. Look at it this way. There I am a seasoned professional among all these pretty...Read full story