Written by Douglas Salguod

Saturday, 4 November 2006

image for Stanley Cup Bigger than World Cup, Contends NHL; FIFA Protests
The evidence is now in: Lord Stanley's Cup much, much bigger than World Cup

EDMONTON, Alberta, Canada -- The National Hockey League, which is apparently unaware that Canada is not part of the United States, or vice versa, today presented indisputable evidence from a study in the making for the last three months showing that the Stanley Cup is much bigger than the World Cup.

The presentation of the study to the press, regrettably, was interrupted by an observer from FIFA.

FIFA, the official organizer and sponsor of the FIFA World Cup, had no comment on the study. However, the observer felt that he should mention the fact that a substantial number of "football" experts have pointed out that a soccer ball is much larger than a hockey puck (while also noting that hockey puck is a common term of derision in North America -- excluding Mexico, which is a Spanish-speaking and "football-playing" country.)

The NHL spokesperson preceded to point out to the assembled press that actual measurements of both cups, both in English and metric units, though different, confirmed the visual evidence. And they demonstrate definitively, he repeated, the Stanley Cup is much bigger than the World Cup.

At this point the FIFA observer again said FIFA had no comment on this bogus study but noted, in passing, that a regulation-size field for soccer, which he persisted on calling football, is much larger than an ice hockey rink (which term he also noted is easily transformed into another North American term of derision "rinky dink.")

An attending NHL executive countered that "rinky dink" has no meaning in French, which is also an official language of Canada -- not just English. The NHL representative then noted that hockey, which he said should never be called "ice hockey," is played primarily indoors on an artificially frozen surface which requires more energy and technology than most "football" playing countries have or ever will have.

Further, the NHL representative continued, the Stanley Cup also weighs more than the World Cup (both in pounds and kilograms) and is much older, and has many more names engraved on it, and so there.

The FIFA official, in obvious frustration, head butted the NHL spokesperson, who since he was wearing a helmet, was unaffected. But the NHL spokesperson, as is common to the sport, immediately removed his helmet and head butted the FIFA observer in return.

It is reported that chaos then ensued. When things settled down, the spokesperon for the NHL noted for the remaining press that the lump on his head was much bigger than the lump on the FIFA representatives head -- but "Who's measuring?" he asked.

The presentation ended with a live demonstration of the actual Stanley Cup, which was flown in from Raleigh, North Carolina, especially for the occasion, being placed next to an exact-sized replica of the World Cup.

The FIFA observer is currently himself under observation for a suspected concussion and "other brain disorders" in an undisclosed Edmonton area hospital, according to a statement released by the NHL.

Copyright 2006, Douglas Salguod

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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