The world's richest one legged Tango dancer and Ice Folly performer, Heather Mills, has taken over the rehabilitation of one legged soccer player David Beckham.
Beckham, crestfallen, in deep depression and sobbing uncontrollably was ruled out of his fourth cup after his Achilles was blown up on the pitch just last week.
While many observers said they thought wife Posh was his real Achilles and would lead to his eventual downfall, an inadvertent slip during the waning minutes of a victory spelled the apparent end for the 51 year old soccer legend.
As team Physician Doctor Nicholas said, "Did you ever find an old dried up rubber band in the bottom of your underwear drawer? An did you notice how really brittle it had become, then in a moment of insane passion tried to use it as a cock ring...you know what happens, the dried up old thing had no life innit, diddit.? Snapped like a dried up chicken leg...no give anymore, no stretch, no vibrancy...well, that's Becks, just a dried up old rubber!"
New hope has emerged however, in the unlikely form of Heather Mills, also known as "The Wife from Hell", "The Bank of Iceland", and often referred to in the UK as 'that one legged Bitch.' Mills is the former wife, albeit briefly, to one of the last surviving Beatles to whom she owes her current fleeting fame, and her not inconsiderable fortune.
Ms Mills has taken over Becks rehab, and says quite cheekily, "I'm going to teach him a few things on how to get a leg over when you're handicapped.
There's no earthly reason he won't be on the pitch in South Africa in June.
Anyone that would discriminate against a famous one legged soccer player will be up for a Human Rights Lawsuit and the whole England team could be disqualified...and I'll do it if I have to!"
England team officials are said to be petrified of Ms. Mills threats, and have carried her briefs to World Cup Officials along with a waiver for Beckham to move about in a battery operated chair whilst switching his position over to team Goalie.
Initial tryouts seem to confirm that with a full charge in his chair, Becks was able to stop one shot in 5, and hopes he'll be up to full speed by the time the team faces the US where he thinks he could give up 6 goals and still win handily.