Lucifer Introduces "Conspiratonoia" at Bilderberg Conference
Lucifer appeared yet again to chair the latest Bilderberg conference held this year in the catacombs under the Vatican. His Loftiness looking regal and dapper, blonde hair swept back and looking remarkably like a young Christopher Walken settled into his golden throne to address some 120 delegates from around the world. Like an Indian Meeting of All the Nations, each delegate is a chief in...
Read full storyVampire arrested for sparkling
Forks, WA. Outrage broke out in the parking lot of Forks Middle School, 121 Spartan Ave, when a manic traffic jam ensued after classes today due to the result of obstructive sparkling by newly appointed biology teacher Edward Cullen. Parents arriv...
Read full storyRussia's Ban on Gays does not apply to Lesbians, Putin clarifies
In an Op Ed published in yesterday's late edition of the San Francisco Chronicle Russian President Vladimir Putin shed some much awaited light into the recent law enacted in his country banning public demonstration of gay activities. While same-se...
Read full storyStripper Poll Reveals Disturbing Results
A recent poll of a large number of women who are employed throughout the nation as exotic dancers (in laymen's terms "strippers") revealed astonishing data regarding the lifestyle of the majority who have chosen this profession. The poll shows tha...
Read full storyBrett Favre and Cher to go on Dancing With The Stars
Brett Favre, the legendary NFL quarterback who has made a career of retiring and un-retiring for many a season may be doing it again, albeit on a TV show. This time, he plans to make an appearance on the ABC reality show Dancing With The Stars.
Read full storySix Year Old Boy at Odds With Authority After De-bunking Age Old Myth
Will Tayer, age 6, first grade, was most assuredly disgruntled after being grounded by his mother Monica Tayer on a Friday afternoon. "He was playing with my makeup. He spilled fingernail polish all over the sofa. He's been told multiple times to stay out of mommy's makeup cabinet. He is grounded to staying within the front yard. The boundary is the front sidewealk," stated Mrs. Tayer in an...
Read full storyBartender Asserts Local Tequila Drinker is Dyslexic
"She kept messing up the order!" stated local bar keep Jim Bean, "she'd suck it, slam it, then lick it. Then she'd try again. Slam it, suck it, lick it. Never in the right order!" When asked about the debacle, the cute patron replied "Does it rea...
Read full storyHalitosis Denial Causes Marital Strain
A local husband received a rude awakening recently when trying to regain the affections of his wife of 20 years. The wife received a rude awakening via stinky morning breath. "I thought that my stamina and not being able to last had caused her t...
Read full storyBoston Celtics Name Game
What's in an NBA name for the Boston Celtics? The NBA usually has a better idea to improve the game, but not this time. They want to allow players to put a nickname on the back of their jersey. Obviously this opens up a can of worms. Indeed, so...
Read full storyThe U.S. Army Is Getting Extremely Strict Regarding Tattoos
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Reports coming out of the U.S. Department of The Army state that the military branch will soon be coming out with new guidelines regarding ink art or tattooing as it is commonly called. The Secretary of The Army Johnny McHugh is...
Read full storyKevin Spacey Fined For Swatting The TV Camera As He Sat In The Emmy Award Show Audience
HOLLYWOOD - Kevin Spacey must have thought that he was being cute when he took out his Emmy Award Show ticket and swatted at the TV camera as the cameraman was shooting him at The 65th Annual Emmy Award Show. Immediately after the show ended Space...
Read full storyThe NFL Announces That It Will Be Discontinuing The Onside Kick
NEW YORK CITY - The National Football League has just made an announcement regarding the football play commonly referred to as the onside kick. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell speaking in his office to a group of sports reporters informed them that...
Read full storyMichelle Obama and Queen Elizabeth To Visit Syria
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Queen Elizabeth called up Michelle Obama and told her that she felt bad about England going against the United States and voting not to have anything to do with Syria. The queen remarked that she could not believe it when she sa...
Read full storyMcDonald's To Drop The Big Mac Sesame Seeds
OAK BROOK, Illinois - The world's largest restaurant franchise chain, McDonald's has just made a monumental announcement regarding its hamburger buns. Golden Arches Spokesperson Nancy Zabeletta has issued a statement that the fast food giant will...
Read full storyDancing With The Stars: The Former NFL Player Is The First One Kicked Off The Show
HOLLYWOOD - Season 17 of Dancing With The Stars has seen its first elimination. Host Tom Bergeron announced that the first celebrity contestant to leave was former NFL wide receiver Keyshawn Johnson, 41. Johnson was paired with the extremely se...
Read full storyChicharito Tells Cheryl Cole He's Thinking of Retiring
NEW YORK CITY - Manchester United's Chicharito has dropped a bombshell and told his girlfriend Cheryl Cole that he is contemplating retiring from the world of soccer. The 25-year-old said that he wants to go into acting and has been encouraged by...
Read full storyA Research Study Reveals That Guppies Are The Only Species of Fish That Can Giggle
Apalachicola, Florida - A team of research scientists from Chicago has just spent five weeks doing research down on the Florida Gulf Coast. The team's director Dr. Randy Sangrantino, 54, stated that after spending thousands of hours studying guppi...
Read full storyThe Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader That Pranced and Danced In The Nude On The 50-Yard Line Star Has Been Fired
DALLAS - Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones was so angry that several of the sports reporters actually thought that he was talking in Mandarin Chinese. He had called a press conference in his office located in the $1.1 billion AT&T Stadium. J...
Read full storySheriff Joe Arpaio Says If That Transgendered California Homecoming Queen Sets Foot In Arizona The Boy Will Be Arrested
MARICOPA COUNTY, Arizona - Sheriff Joe "Pinky" Arpaio has made it known that he will not be putting up with no boys putting on lipstick, a wig, and a padded bra, and telling everyone that, that makes them a girl. Sheriff Arpaio says that at 81, he...
Read full storyKim Jong Un Wants To Make Dennis Rodman The North Korean Ambassador To The United States
PYONGYANG, North Korea - It seems that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is always chock full of surprises. According to The Rice Paddy, the national news agency of North Korea, Kim Jong Un has asked his American BFF Dennis Rodman to be the North Ko...
Read full storyShaquille O'Neal To Become Part Owner of The Sacramento Kings
SACARAMENTO, California - The owner of The Sacramento Kings, Vivek Ranadive has just announced that former NBA player Shaquille O'Neal has just become part owner of the Sacramento Kings. Ranadive told the sports media that he is excited about havi...
Read full storyMontana Tells Dick Cheney Not To Even Think About Hunting In The Big Sky State
HELENA, Montana - The Montana governor's office has just issued a directive informing former Vice-President Dick Cheney that he is not going to be allowed to hunt in Montana. Cheney has just particiapted in a Wyoming Antelope Hunting Contest where...
Read full storyMerrit Wever Gives The Shortest Emmy Award Acceptance Speech in History
HOLLYWOOD - Merrit Wever, who is not exactly a household name in the celebrity world, won an Emmy for Best Supporting Actress for her role on HBO's Nurse Jane. Wever did something that 99.9 percent of the winners cannot do. She actually took her a...
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