Lucifer Introduces "Conspiratonoia" at Bilderberg Conference

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

image for Lucifer Introduces "Conspiratonoia" at Bilderberg Conference
Lucifer at Bilderberg.

Lucifer appeared yet again to chair the latest Bilderberg conference held this year in the catacombs under the Vatican.

His Loftiness looking regal and dapper, blonde hair swept back and looking remarkably like a young Christopher Walken settled into his golden throne to address some 120 delegates from around the world.

Like an Indian Meeting of All the Nations, each delegate is a chief in his field of business, politics, media etc. Rupert Murdoch was there as usual as was Henry Kissinger and Condoleeza Rice.

Lucifer got straight to the point. "This time around we will not... be pooling off... into groups of twenty as in previous meetings so that you can discuss some... burning topic or other. It is clear to me you have missed the wood for the trees. I would like to... thank our good friend Barrack for visiting Northern Ireland recently to celebrate our total control of that province and... to the director of the Bundesbank for bringing greedy countries in the EU including Ireland to their knees. Without abject dependency on charity (laughter) we can have no control. We have only now to grab the productive land off the small farmers and these rogue countries will be ours. Also like to thank the bold move by The Freemasons for making the first moves in using our media to make our organization socially acceptable, the "norm" if you will (laughter). "Not a secret organization but an organization... with secrets." Wonderful. That is...inspired... magnificent... and a big thank you to the editor of USA Today for promulgating it. But I have not... come here... to flatter... anyone. I am here to remind you of what we... are about. Our laser machines in outer space are not half busy enough in causing earthquakes, tornados and famines. Showing off by... vaporizing the twin... towers in nine-eleven is not really good enough. Our mission is not to... play games but to destroy... countless lives so that we can have control over a manageable planet, a planet of slaves and serfs ruled over by me. To do that, we must get back to our main agenda. We must target those things by which the Muggles live, Truth and Beauty. Not enough is being done in the media to trash both. We need more full-frontal attacks on each or both at once; and the way to do it is to blind the human race to the extent that they can no longer see either! (applause). When we have succeeded in making vile ugliness attractive and lies and delusions preferred to that ghastly threat to all our power... Truth, and the ability to see both so impaired that nobody knows what is what then only! can we rest in victory. Our progress in breeding gender and identity confusion among the young is bearing fruit but it is not enough! Not enough suicides by far! So, I would urge you to redouble your efforts in all these regards over the coming months. My own humble suggestion (laughter) is to make dangerous conspiracy theories more derisable and socially anathema so that any proponent of such a lunacy (laughter) is pronounced insane. I suggest a new psychological affliction called "conspiratonoia" or fear... of being... dubbed a conspiracy theorist... for which... our medical scientists can concoct a palliative and our therapists evolve a strategy to combat. More money in the kitty for us all (laughter). When I return here next year I expect the population of the planet to have been reduced by one third or I... shall be... very... angry. It may, dare... I say it? be time again for another world war. That means preparing the world for the forthcoming event. More war movies, Potter books, documentaries, Tarantino films, discussions, weapons of mass destruction real and imaginary, comedy routines on television making light of death and pain and horror and national conflicts,... that sort of thing... so that... the bequiled and confused Muggles, our guinea pigs, will run to get a gun and a uniform and set sail yet again to a population culling blood bath with a joke on their lips and a song in their hearts (more laughter)."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more