Health And Safety Brigade Criticise Carpets

Written by IainB

Thursday, 15 September 2011

image for Health And Safety Brigade Criticise Carpets
This is not a gratuitous sexy legs shot, this is showing the dangers of deep pile carpet and stilleto

Under new health and safety in the home, carpets will have to be replaced in houses up and down England and Wales.

Scotland is exempt due to there being no health and safety north of the border.

"Carpets are one of the most dangerous items in the home after bleach, medicine, electricity, gas and water," said Phil Hammond, health and safety minister. "Where there is an accident in the home, there is usually carpet involved."

According to the study on safety in the home, people are aware of the dangers of electricity, gas, water and toasters, but the humble carpet often goes undetected as a household terror.

"There are so many dangers lurking in carpets," Hammond said. "For a start, you should see all the carpet burns my wife has. All over the place. I've no idea how they got there, but it's obviously because carpets are dangerous."

Hammond explained about the dangers of tripping over them, and the number of diseases they harbour.

"There's a whole range of parasites that have evolved just to live in carpets," said Hammond. "I'm surprised the human race has not died out since the invention of shag pile."

In their place, tiles, laminates, lino and bare floorboards are to be the order of the day.

"There are health and safety issues with all of these floorings too," said Hammond. "But far fewer than with carpet. As long as people don't leave magazines on laminate, they should be okay."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more